How would dd cope with a break-up?

[whatamess]

I used to be a regular poster - now occasional but I have changed my name.

I've had conversations with Mumsnet so many times in my head and this morning I couldn't sleep so I'm finally writing it down.

I've been together with dh 12.5 years, married 1 year with a daughter of 2.5.

Our relationship has always had its ups and downs, it tends to go in cycles, but recently those cycles have got closer and closer together. DD came after a very long good period and in herself has caused us to be close (although I'm sure the total exhaustion hasn't helped sometimes). Dh is a great dad, he loves dd to bits, doesn't spoil her too much, spends lots of time with her so I have no problems on that front. He's very lazy around the house - always has been and I've come to accept it (he does have a stressful full-time job and I work 3 days and look after dd the rest of the time). The thing is he always wants me to change, he says I'm not emotionally supportive, that I'm selfish. I don't think it's helped that recently I've been training for a big competition, and so have had quite a few committments outside the family - he does however go to the gym, to play and watch football, out with friends etc and in the past (and probably the future) it's been him out a lot more than me.

Anyway, 7 weeks agohe said he wanted a separation and moved into the spare room. He agreed to go to counselling but was very sceptical that it would work (he works in mental health and thinks that if I haven't listened to him he would be pissed off if I listened to anyone else). For him the counselling was to get me to change. The thing about dh is that he can be quite charmimg but anyone will tell you he's not lawys the easiest to live with, his timekeeping is appaling and if he goes out at night he might not be home until 5am .... So we've been going to relate, had moved back into the same bed and day to day things seemed to be going better but everytime we went to relate he seemed quite pessimistic about the long term reality.

Last week I was away at my comp and had time and space to think about this, and it just seemed a little hopeless. What I realised is that I'm not afraid of being alone, in soem ways it would be a relief to not have to go through the hard parts of the relationship. Last Friday morning I thought we had ended it after a big argument, and for the first time when he mentioned splitting up I said OK rather than fighting for us, but when he got back that evening he acted as if nothing had happened so I wonder if this whole thing has been a bit of a bluff on hs side. The thing is (and I've never said this to anyone) I'm not sure if I love dh. I don't really find him physically attractive, and I think the stress of the last few months have washed the last bits of love away. Saying that on a good day we get on really well and maybe that love would come back?

Thanks for being patient - the question is how would splitting up affect our dd? She loves spending time with the 2 of us. How would she coped with being shared (dh would want her an equal amount of the time) He would want me to leave the house but I want to stay where shes settled. What about in the future would we have to stay in the same town. Or should I just wait and see if we can get nay love back?

I'm sorry for rambling - there's so much in my head and I don't really have anyone else to talk to.

Any advice or experiences would be great.

[hhhhenleyonthames]

Are you still going to relate?

[Earlybird]

Sorry you're going through this. It's so hard to be at odds with your partner/dh.

Has relate given both of you specific things to work on? If so, how are you progressing?

BTW - I've never been to relate, so not sure how it works...but I suppose I'd want to have areas for improvement/change identified and then would want to see the other person trying. That's what would give me hope that we could emerge intact from the rough patches, and that there was a long term future.

[aloha]

How long have you been going to Relate? Have you both been really honest there or is this stuff that you keep in your head.
I think a civilised split can be better for a child than a miserable marriage - and you seem committed to keeping her father in her life which is fantastic, but maybe stick with the relate whether you decide to stay together or not so you can have the best divorce you can have in the circumstances.

[whatamess]

Thanks - we've been to relate 3 times and are still going. I was expecting 'homework' but we haven't really got it. I think I'm just so tired of everything whirling round in my head and I just want it to stop. I suppose I'm not sure that this nightmare situation will ever fully go away even if we do get through this rough patch. Equally I don't want my poor dd to have to get used to a new situation.

[holidaygirl]

Wow, you have typed exactly how I feel. Unfortunately I don't have the solution (yet!) but wanted you to know you're not alone.

I too don't want DD (who's 2) to live with unhappy parents but the practicalities of splitting are overwhelming at the moment - even though I am financially independent. I'm seeing a counsellor for depression and may actually raise this issue with her. I haven't even mentioned this part of my life to her yet, probably still in denial about it.

Sorry if I've rambled but maybe we can get thorugh this one together! Thinking of you.

[whatamess]

Hi holidaygirl - thanks for the support. Sorry you're going through it too. Speaking to your counsellor sounds like a good idea even if bringing it out in the open means you can't just ignore it.

Sometimes I read Mumsnet and I think I should feel lucky that I have a dh who is a good supportive father and doesn't abuse me ..... but in many ways that just makes our decisions more difficult.

I just feel overwhelmed that I have to make a decision about the rest of not just my but all of our lives

Sometimes I feel like it could be OK if we stayed together - we'd still have happy christmas's, we'd go on holiday, be there for dd and just have the odd week when we're not getting on. Not the most romantic solution but workable. I think that if dh hadn't brought this up 2 months ago we would just about plod on. Now he has though it's just in my mind all the time - and maybe it should be. Maybe we should both be striving for something better either together or apart. I certainly never saw myself as someone who would settle for this. Dh says he doesn't expect much but that isn't how it feels and I do feel constantly critised. I think because he's unhappy he has zero tolerance for anything that doesn't go his way.

Thanks for the replies so far - even just writing this down is good

[glitterfairy]

Keep writing then if it helps. It has helped me and clarifies feelings in my case.

No one can offer any ways out only you can do that but relate has helped me and they have been very directive now. Aloha is right though it only works if you are honest about how you feel however difficult that is.

[whatamess]

You're right glitterfairy and aloha I do need to say all this - the problem is it changes from hour to hour!! What I said to him was that we didn't have to make any quick decisions and there's no reason why we do. I just don't know how much longer I want to feel as drained as I do at the moment

Thanks