I'm so confused :(

[MummyGal]

To cut a long story short my Ex P and I split up about 6 months ago after he slapped me during an argument. After nearly 6 years together this was the first time he had ever been violent to me. Since I ended the relationship he has been seeing our ds one night a week and we have only spoken to organize play school and such for ds. He contacted me out of the blue before he brought ds home this week and wanted to have a chat. He has now told me he wants to give things another go and has changed. Am I stupid in believing him? Please don't be to harsh I can't talk about this to family or friends.

I think you may have cut the long story too short in order to give any sensible advice, may be some more details would help

How did he respond after slapping you?

Has he had extensive professional help in this six months?

He wasn't previously violent, but was he belittling, controlling, aggressive, passive-aggressive?

Most importantly, have you moved on? What do you want? Could you resume a relationship with someone who has been violent to you? He is asking a lot of you.

If this was a one off, and as falling said there hasn't been in any other passive-aggresive controlling behaviour, i would certainly hear him out.

Question is - do you love him?

Why is it up to him to give it another go? Surely YOU should be the one making the decisions.

Sorry I'm a bit new to this not sure how much would be to much you know?

He's had some problems with alcohol. Not drinking excessively but when he does drink he seems to do do silly things. He comes from a family or abusive aggressive people so it all involves them really. Since we split up he's been attending AA meetings twice a week. After the incident where he hit me he was very apologetic, was constantly contacting me wanting to talk etc. I just needed space to think. He seemed to cool off then and focused on his meetings so we have hardly spoken at all in 5 months only regarding ds.

I still love him with all my heart and I think I always will. I always said I would never put up with violence and I stuck to my guns but even at the time I never believed he would do it again.

He's not pushing me to make a decision now, he said we could take things slowly or not at all obviously if thats whats I decide. I want to believe him but I don't want to be stupid either.

I think that you should make couples counselling a condition, and some proof that his drinking has stopped. You do not want your Son to grow up around an alcoholic and he needs to prove to you he has changed. Was this the first incidence of violence?

What about stating from scratch then.

Start dating again, going slowly over many months. In time you will see if he has changed.
At least you can say you tried if it doesn't work but it has to be at your pace

He was always very against violence before this, though men who hit women were disgusting so it was a total shock when he hit during an argument, I know its not the point at all but it wasn't hard and didn't hurt or leave a mark of any kind it was the shock more then anyways.

I think the idea of couples counselling and taking things slow sounds sensible.

It seems like he's showing some sensitivity to your feelings now and not trying to push to fast which seems positive. You mentioned his coming from a family background of aggression, perhaps you might find a book like "angry all the time" or "beyond anger" useful and something like that might also help him understand where it was coming from and how to manage it more effectively.

Give it a go - if what you say in your last post is the case, i think it would be a shame to give up on each other - best of luck x

Thank you so much for all your advice, I'm really willing just to give it a try under the right circumstances. If it doesn't work out I'd at least like to be able to tell my son when he gets older that I tried my hardest to make things work.