Baby's first 6 months=relationship meltdown?

[liquoriceandtomatoes]

Just wondering what others experience is. Read a divorce article the other day and a lawyer said she doesn't go near couples when their baby is under 6 months. This made me feel that there is hope as our relationship has plummeted - ds nearly 5mnths. There was also a bereavement and house move just before the birth, along with physical complications for me after birth.

It feels like the love has fizzled away, I keep thinking about the sleep deprivation and it's affect and maybe that's it. But it's getting me down, we speak to each other pretty badly and I feel very trapped as I'm not working and can't go out and do my own thing in the way I could before. I guess I just need to remain hopeful. Any words of wisdom......

Give it time. It is very hard dealing with sleep deprivation and loss of independence when you are a new mum. Me and my DH have sniped terribly at each other through lack of sleep. Just try and talk to each other when you do have energy. If possible try and get a night out together (if you feel up to it).

We almost split up several times the first year. And there was a wobble at 18 months when DS slept badly. Adjusting to being new parents is horrendous - sleep deprivation, self-image, no time for one another. It's normal, normal, normal. I think, short of actual abuse, nobody should make serious decisions about a relationship until their child is sleeping through and has been for at least 6 months.

Our relationship is great now, better than it was before, actually. DH was a terrible father to a tiny baby, but as soon as DS started being more interactive they developed the most wonderful bond. They are so very close now DS is 27 months, it's amazing to watch them together. And DH and I have all we did before, but with this new element. Hang on in there - if things were good before, they can be again. It's normal to grieve the carefree young couple you were pre-baby. (And we had sex maybe 5 times that first year. And we've always had a really good sex life before - do again now. That's normal, too.)

DS is 9 months, I am just starting to feel ok. I have a 3 year old DD and remember that I started to feel better about the same time, or around 6 months, basically when they start sleeping.

I dont know if its post natal/hormonal or just the level of responsibility/chore division that (for me) changes the relationship dynamic.

Show your partner this thread. It helped my DH to know other women/partners felt this way too.

For me, my DH became someone to simply share the burden with so I would be very bossy (am still bossy a bit) when he got home over "do this/do that" and we resented each other. I resented him his escape (work) and he resented me my time with the baby and at home, we both thought the other had it "easier".

"I resented him his escape (work) and he resented me my time with the baby and at home, we both thought the other had it "easier"."

Ah yes, competitive tiredness. I remember fierce arguments on his days off over who spent more time looking after DS so the other could catch up on sleep.

I long for a second. DH is absolutely opposed - he adores DS, but says he can't face another year like that!

I found the first 12 6 months hellish in terms of our relationship. We were both exhausted. I resented DH "escaping" to work. We sniped constantly and had no time for each other. It is so hard.

Keep talking. Maybe write him a letter ? It will get better. The book "Babyproofing your marriage" might be worth a read (although by the time I had the energy to read it, the worst had passed. It did help with dc2 though )

perfectstorm I found the second harder, as the first to look after too!! However, glad Ive done it and that the worst is over

Yeah, I'm planning to wait till DS is at school to soften the blow! Hopefully DH will have forgotten the grisly details by then as well.

Oh God, TWINS?

Single parents and parents of multiples have my endless admiration for just being in one piece at the end of it all. I'm sure there are wonderful and rewarding aspects, but the sleep....

Thanks, it really helps reading this as I do feel hopeless but I need to keep reminding myself this feeling will pass. Really hope ds's sleep improves soon!

I don't have much wisdom but I do have bucket loads of sympathy. Clearly from these posts you can see this is completely normal.
My Mrs had her bags packed by day 11 of our first arriving. We're just coming up to 2 years since we had our 4th in 5 years (none really planned) and I have found my breaking point. Whether it's the 1st or the 4th, it's the same thing.
Actually, that's probably not true - DW is absolutely clear that No1 was by far the worst for her - so there's some good news for you!
I would say make sure you talk to each other as much as possible about all your feelings because if you don't, the resentment will just build and build. Also, I have had a counsellor for a year now and that has helped massively, but to be fair, the biggest positive impact has been constructive communication between me and DW.
See if you can get as much help as possible.

We have had virtually none and I think that has been a major negative factor for us.
Make sure you listen to his fears about no2. If he's really unsure/against it and it does happens, that could lead to a lot of resentment. This happened to us with No4 and those feelings have been very hard to deal with.
It really does get better - that is a certainty!
Agree with pamelat - show him the thread.
By the way, just thank your lucky stars you haven't got twins - Ultimate nightmare scenario in my book. I would be in an asylum by now if that had happened to us. MadamD you have my eternal respect.

Good luck :)

It's really hard work. The sleep deprivation but also if you are bf your DH may feel left out. Not to mention the inevitable lack of sex.

It will get better. Take care x