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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

please help, violent twat husband in late pregnancy

45 replies

yummytummy · 23/02/2011 19:27

hi, would really appreciate any help and advice. basically was having a row last night over something trivial or so i thought. i left it a while then went back to try and talk to "d"h but he was still too stressed and kept telling me to go away. i probably should have left it but just wanted it resolved as i can never sleep well on an argument. anyway he just kept on at me being really nasty and refused to calm down.

i was really upset and didnt know what to do so phoned his dad to try and get him to talk to him and calm down. passed the phone to husband who must have fobbed off dad with some excuse that i was emotional and hysterical.

then he came down and really started laying into me how dare i phone his parents stupid bitch etc etc thicko etc. at each cuss he was pushing me until i fell onto sofa. am 34 wks pg and it was awful as i could tell he was trying to hit me in places not in the stomach. anyway i was crying and yelling stop and then he finally went up.

he must have gone to sleep then but then left early this morning and has just come home but has completely blanked me and started ds bath and bedtime routine as i think hes too ashamed to look at me and confront what he has done.

tbh its killed all my feeling for him and just dont want to be in relationship anymore. however cant do anything as yet. am booked in for elcs in 4 weeks so obviously will be physically a bit weak for a while.

i guess just wanted to tell someone as in rl everyone thinks he is wonderful and no-one would believe me or be on my side.

just dont know where to go from here cant stop crying so worried about baby.

please help.

OP posts:

peeriebear · 23/02/2011 19:36

Why do you think nobody would believe you?
How horrible for you. Do you have anybody who could help you after your CS instead of him? The thought of you having to gloss over this for the sake of him helping you recover from surgery is not pleasant. :(

pollyblue · 23/02/2011 19:36

Is this the first time he's been agressive towards you? You do need some real life support, your mum/sister/best friend? Speak to someone who can support you and offer a safety net, somewhere you can go if it happens again. Do you think he's blanking you because he's ashamed - do you feel you can try and speak to him about it tonight?

Alambil · 23/02/2011 19:37

0808 2000 247

there are things you can do - the first is to stay safe and ring that phone number. They WILL believe you.

If he does anything again, ring the police on him; they will remove him and you will be kept safe.

Has the baby been moving like normal? If you're worried, ring the hospital. Remember, your midwife will be able to support you if you wanted to leave too. Homestart and other support agencies would be able to help you too.

Take care and keep safe.

Squitten · 23/02/2011 19:39

For goodness sake tell someone! They will believe you, really they will.

LittleMissHissyFit · 23/02/2011 19:40

Honey you can ask him to go. If he is remorseful, then he'll go.

Alternatively look at the domestic abuse webguide at the top of this page and call Women's Aid

You have 4 weeks to go, that's a long time with a violent man.

pickgo · 23/02/2011 19:40

How awful for you, just what you don't need right now.

Tbh it's probably better that you get the DCs to bed before talking anyway.

Is this the first time anything like this has happened? Do you still feel there is any threat? If so, get someone there pronto or get out.

If not you need his absolute assurance this won't happen again obviously and a sincere apology. You might still want to go and stay with family/friends for a bit.

Perhaps too you should see your GP/mw for a check up?

Try to stay calm in the meantime you don't have to rush to react, you might decide to have a few days on your own, or ask him to go for a few days so that you can both think things over?

Look after yourself x

Lulumaam · 23/02/2011 19:41

speak to your MW, she will be able to direct you towards help in your situation

tell your friends and family.. of course they will believe you ! if they don't , they're not worth having in your life either

Doha · 23/02/2011 19:42

Is there not someone who cantake you and your DS in and look after you after you have your section.

You cannot stay in this relationship, it's not just you it's your unborn DC that is at risk here.

Think seriously about phoning the police and get him charged and arrange a visit to your GP to ensure your bump is okay as well as your BP. Stress like this is never good especially when you are so far along.

Original poster

yummytummy · 24/02/2011 19:40

hiya. saw dr today luckily all fine with baby. husband has said sorry and he feels bad etc but its just too little too late. spoke to my mum and she wants to come over on sat to see me. just so confused. everything had been going fine until this point just dont need this right now. wish it would just go away dont have the energy to sort things now. so upset.

OP posts:

memorylapse · 24/02/2011 19:46

domestic abuse frequently manifests itself for the first time in pregnancy..Im sorry to say that he will probably do it again..
protect yourself, your other DC and your unborn DC

can you stay with family?

pickgo · 24/02/2011 22:04

Glad you had check-up and baby's ok.

You're bound to feel confused at the moment, his act has thrown everything into doubt I expect. But you don't have to do anything until you are certain what you want to happen and feel up to doing it.

The only proviso to that is, whether you think this could happen again. As memorylapse says domestic abuse often starts/escalates in pregnancy, so I think you should assess this risk very carefully.

Can you talk it over with your mum? Perhaps go back with her for a few days or tell H to go for a bit? If he is really sorry he should do as you ask.

Otherwise you could ring women's aid and just talk it over with them.

Take care.

LittleMissHissyFit · 25/02/2011 13:08

Let your mum come over please. She will help you sort this out.

He's done this BECAUSE you don't have the energy to fight it, it's surprisingly common!

cestlavielife · 25/02/2011 13:28

get your mum or someone to be with you. now, today.

if it helps keep him nice and sweet while you think next steps then all good.

itsallaboutiandme · 25/02/2011 15:53

Hi Yummytummy, I am also 34 weeks pregnant at the moment. Two weeks ago my dh and I had an argument and he went ballistic. He started punching me while I cowered against a wall with my hands over my head. He must have hit me 4-5 times in total. This was at 9pm on a Sunday night.

This is the fourth time he has done this to me in a 10 year marriage. The last time he did something similar was in 2009 when I was 24 weeks pregnant.

Anyway I left home and stayed away that night and the next afternoon I rang the local police and reported the incident.

They took it very seriously. I returned home the next day, dh didn't talk to me nor me to him. The police didn't manage to come that night. They did however come the following night. Dh was asleep in bed and they arrested him for assault and took him away for questioning. He was released with a caution and I was told that if he ever does it again then to dial 999 and next time he will not get away with it anything as lightly. If I had made a statement then he would have had a very tough time.

The policewoman who came told me that my house appeared to be a very respectable home but that she has to attend homes that are very different. She also told me that spending time in a cell is most probably served as a wake up call to him.

I thought long and hard about letting the police know as I am a very private person. Sadly however some people think that silence gives them the right to carry on bullying behaviour.

Just to tell you that calling the police was the best thing I ever did. My dh has got the message loud and clear that this kind of behaviour will not be tolerated and that I value myself and will no longer stand for it.

The last time he did this to me I did tell his mum and she did give him a bollocking and warned him that I had every right to call the police. I also had warned him that a repeat performance would force me to call the police.

Like your partner, if I tell people they will not believe me as he comes across as so polite and respectable.

pookiecat · 25/02/2011 17:22

No one has the right to touch you or make you feel scared and terrified. Please, please think about your children and what effect this has on them. Police take these matters very seriously - phone them. Good luck and be safe.

Original poster

yummytummy · 25/02/2011 20:30

thanks itsallaboutiandme, it helps so much to know i am not the only one although i am sorry you have had to go through it too. its just very hard to get past. how did you deal with things afterwards, was he repentant? did he get angry at you for calling police? are you talking now?

i think i will do that if he does it again hopefully he wont but then i never thought he would the first time.

hope you are ok now and best of luck with baby. u must be due same time as me. its so horrible.

spoke to mum again she is concerned. dont want to stay but dont want relationship to be over either?

OP posts:

zikes · 25/02/2011 20:45

If I was you, I'd leave or tell him to go.

Honestly, that a guy can do that to you when you're vulnerable and carrying his child? It's wholly unacceptable. It's vile. He's supposed to love you.

You can still call the police. Or call Woman's Aid for some advice.

blankstare · 25/02/2011 20:55

I am going to go against the grain here and I am not in any way condoning or belittling domestic violence.

But you know, as you know your husband, whether this is something that can be overcome or not. I had a similar experience when I was about 35 weeks PG with DS2. DH came home after he'd been drinking, bought some friends home, I went ballistic as I was tired.

The row escalated and he threatened to hit me. He didn't hit me, but was very aggressive and intimidating. However I had also been quite aggressive towards him and followed him round winding him up.

This isn't a 'poor men' argument at all but some men find pregnancy incredibly frightening and react very badly to it. I don't mean that you should brush it under the carpet but that it may be a sign of underlying stress or fear that can be rectified, maybe by talking to a professional.

Obviously that doesn't change the way you feel about him now. However, DH and I did sort things out, it was a one-off and, whilst not the perfect marriage, it was worth hanging onto.

blankstare · 25/02/2011 20:57

I would add that it is worth talking to Women's Aid for advice, or the police.

I spoke to Woman's Aid and they were incredibly helpful. They talked things through with me and logged the incident, so that it things did escalate in the future, there would be a record that it wasn't the first time.

There hasn't been a second time.

Nattynoodle · 25/02/2011 20:59

It would be a good idea to contact the police just to have the incident logged, and they have a record of this. Inform your midwife, it doesn't mean you have to leave him, it will just enable her to record the event and make them more aware if anything were to happen again.

dizietsma · 25/02/2011 20:59

Yummytummy, I grew up watching my stepfather beating my mother, it's a horrible way for a child to grow up and has left me permanently psychologically scarred with a chronic anxiety problem, please think of the effect on your kids.

Once the line is crossed and violence occurs in a relationship it's much more likely to happen again, and pregnancy is the time it most often happens due to the vulnerability of the woman in the situation the violent partner figures he can get away with it easier, and it seems that in your case this is true

At least call women's aid, talk it over with them, even if you don't do anything, if you call from a landline it wont show on the bill- 0808 2000 246

nailak · 25/02/2011 21:02

op, your husband is obviously in the wrong, and i am in no way excusing his behaviour as it is inexcusable

just some advice for all women that if the dh says he dont want to discuss it, then give him the time and space to calm down and think about it without you going on and on as the situation tends to escalate if you keep talking. i know its hard when you want something sorted but just try ro bite your lip and sort it out when there is less tension.

LittleMissHissyFit · 25/02/2011 21:03

land sakes, it's the 1950s...

[surrendered wife anyone?]

Mouseface · 25/02/2011 21:08

Oh.

My.

Days.

I have heard it all now.

'bite your lip'?

baabaapinksheep · 25/02/2011 21:14

A woman should not have to bite her lip in case her DH hits her! FGS

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