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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Any thoughts appreciated

16 replies

ostracized · 23/02/2011 16:27

There was another outburst from dh two days ago over something utterly ridiculous where he called me "mad" and told me I do "wally" cooking (this because I added water to the rice he was cooking and moved the lid for some of the steam to escape - he has a real thing about food being cooked with the lid off (he wants the lid to be on as it saves gas etc....), the lid was not actually off in this case but letting air out, can understand he was slightly annoyed that I had interfered in his cooking (I would probably find this annoying too) but his reaction and way he spoke to me about it was totally out of line. Aggressively, angrily and totally dismissive of me. I had a huge urge to just say right, that's it, we have to separate, but went upstairs and cried for a bit. He carried on being super nice to kids (who heard all of this and started telling him about all the things they reckon he can't do well ), ate his lunch, ignored me and went back to work. I felt totally floored by this and also told kids that this wasn't a normal way to speak to a husband or wife.
I gradually pulled myself together and had a nice time with friends who came over with their kids in the afternoon. Some neighbours popped over in the evening and dh actually looked at me a couple of times about things they had said and smiled, so it is as if he totally forgets about his ridiculous outbursts when they happen (not that often but occasionally I suppose), and it may indeed have been due to low blood sugar and work being hard, but don't see why I should be his punchbag. Other than that we have basically ignored each other all day.
Anyway, after feeling really upset this morning, I decided again what I am always deciding, that I need to:
finish the course I am doing (finishes in may)
sort out all of the stuff in the house that I feel very attached to as "stuff" is a big issue in our "relationship" as dh hates it and I am very attached to it and find a way to store it
go to a cousellor by myself
possibly have a free half hour with a solicitor to get an idea of what might happen were we to split.

The thing is I often think that I need to be full of energy and resolve and happily leading my life with the kids and that way dh will never be able to upset me in the way he did today (not saying that I never say unpleasant stuff to dh because I do, but I am never as aggressive as he can be), but the truth is that there are down days where you can't do all that and what I would like is a relationship where we could be kind to each other on such days....

I would just appreciate opinions on the above, dh and I at a total stalemate, barely talking or even looking at each other...

OP posts:

Original poster

ostracized · 23/02/2011 16:29

sorry, when I said the way dh upset me "today", I meant two days ago - I copied the stuff I had written two days ago, but forgot to change all the "todays"

OP posts:

oldenoughtowearpurple · 23/02/2011 16:31

um, not quite sure what you are looking for here. Are you asking if we think you should split up? or AIBU? or what?

Maelstrom · 23/02/2011 16:34

I stop cooking completely for several years as my ex used to mess with whatever I was cooking at the time. That is not the reason I'm now divorced though.

Original poster

ostracized · 23/02/2011 16:39

I suppose I am asking if you think being spoken to in this way is normal....

maelstrom - I understand dh would be a little annoyed that I had tampered with his rice, but his reaction was very aggressive and nasty... he could have said, "I wish you hadn't done that"... I don't often interfere with his cooking anyway....

OP posts:

MigratingCoconuts · 23/02/2011 16:53

I also don't totally get this. The incident you described is not pleasant but I am somewhat surprised that you are seeing a solicitor over it. Your husband does have a point if you were interfering with his cooking even if he was overly unpleasant in his response.

Unless you are saying you are speaking to each other like this all the time

Have you tried sitting him down and talking calmly about how you speak to each other?

Original poster

ostracized · 23/02/2011 17:00

Sorry, realise I have probably been a bit rushed in posting this. No in general dh is very difficul, cold and unaffectionate towards me. He has outbursts like the one above every so often - when they are coupled with how badly we are getting on in general, they make me feel truly awful. I then have to pick up the pieces of how I feel. It wasn't only the fact that he called me "mad" and told me I do "wally cooking", he said it in such a hurtful ANGRY, dismissive way as well as in front of the children that I turned into a humiliated self-justifying mess.
The solicitor thing relates more to the current state of relationship - eg. before christmas he didn't talk to me for two months after an argument we had. He told youngest dd (4 years old) that I am "pointless" when I was out once - probably because he found something in house that wasn't dealt with as he would like but there is no pleasing him anyway...
Not that I have actually had the courage to go and see a solicitor and it does seem a very sad thought as am terrified of prospect of divorce...
Dh is very difficult to talk to and tends to just blame the state of the house (lived in) for any way he behaves. So I withdraw into myself and he does too.

OP posts:

Original poster

ostracized · 23/02/2011 17:05

The worst thing is the absence of any affection, with affection I think problems can be surmounted. That and being able to talk to each other as dh is always right so there is no talking.

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Hullygully · 23/02/2011 17:10

Oh poor you. I feel very sad for you. No, this is not a nice relaxed normal way to live, you should be each other's friend.

he clearly has ishoos which he may or may not be able to resolve (not sounding terribly hopeful).

He doesn't sound like he has any respect for you at at all.

I do have to say tho, that "wally cooking" is v funny.

Original poster

ostracized · 23/02/2011 17:18

- well it sounds funny written down but it made me feel kind of worthless
yes has issues (an alcholic father who was not very nice to the kids and who left when he was 15, plus his first marriage ended in divorce after 10 years, plus his family came to this country from India when he was 10 and they experienced racism etc... which has embittered dh to an extent I think - he is cynical about a lot of things)

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MigratingCoconuts · 23/02/2011 17:19

Ok, that does sound much more unreasonable and unpleasant.

Have you considered counselling? I would imagine he'll not see the need but it is worth suggesting.

However, even if he doesn't then you could go by yourself to build but a courage of your own convictions about what you want for your own future.

You sound like your confidence and self worth have taken a real battering..

BTW, I also thought 'wally cooking' sounded funny...but you are right about how things are said. and also being ignored for two months is not funny in the least.

nor is the way he speaks about you and to you to the kids. Your porr DD will grow up thinking this is how loving men treat their wives

Conflugenglugen · 23/02/2011 17:21

It sounds like you do need to see a counsellor and a solicitor. Perhaps do both of those first; tackle what to do about your course once you have some clarity; and then decide, after going to counselling for a while, whether the "stuff" is really your problem, or your husband's.

Original poster

ostracized · 23/02/2011 17:27

I too am sad that dcs will think this is a normal way for partners to treat each other :) :)
true not very confident - also spend some days not getting down to much as feel it is somehow pointless or will go unnoticed by dh anyway

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Original poster

ostracized · 23/02/2011 17:27

those were meant to be :( :( !!!

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earwicga · 23/02/2011 17:29

I'm sorry he is still being a shit.

As has been said on your previous threads, your husband hates you, probably hates all women.

Keep safe, finish your course, and plan a course of action to get rid of the bastard.

And keep posting on MN to help you work through all of this.

janiesmum · 23/02/2011 18:08

do you ever say to him calmly, dont you think you are over reacting about something so trivial, or similar

i know if my OH went nuts over cooking, I would laugh at him and say stop being ridiculous

googoomama · 23/02/2011 18:44

My exh was extremely controlling and cooking was one of the ways in which he controlled me. Reading this took me back to those dark days. He is completely eroding your self esteem and it's very difficult to be "up" and motivated when you are constantly treading on eggshells and being derided. Keep posting and lots of love x

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