Marriage crumbling - please advise - long sorry

[Elliecat]

I really don't know where to start but I am in desperate need of objective advice.
DH is a family legal aid solicitor and with the current climate things are tight financially (we've never been wealthy, just mildly comfortable). Long story short, after taking partnership which we thought would benefit us financially, we discovered whilst I was pg with DD a few yrs ago that the financial situation at his firm was dire and we have never reaped the benefits of his hard work. It has escalated from there and almost since DD was born there has been a real tension between us. It comes & goes and is all because he is frustrated at the situation at work, he is the only one pulling in a meaningful profit but can take home only the bare minimum. I have suggested on too many occasions to count that he cut his losses and finds something else (he runs the risk of being in negative equity at his firm) but he has stalled for this or that reason and it's really taking its toll on us.

He bottles things up and then the slightest thing will trigger an enormous row (too many to count)which can fester for days afterwards. I can make matters worse because I hate being 'attacked' when it's unjustified so get very angry with him in return. I am always on the receiving end, he gets personal with his insults, accuses me of being a bad mother (he takes DD to/from nursery 3 times a week and I get home about 20mins after they do - and yet when he is in one of his moods he will sometimes completely blank DD which I could never do). I have a good job and decent income which we would be screwed without but he resents me for it because I am well paid & well thought of. I can't win. Most recently he has developed insomnia which means that although he will be asleep on the sofa by 9.30pm the moment I suggest going to bed he jumps down my thoat as he 'hates going to bed' as he can't sleep once he gets there. Now, if I even suggest going to bed at the same time as him I am 'stalking' him or 'in his face' - we've been married 8yrs and have always gone to bed together. One of us invariably ends up in the spare room following a row about it and I'm getting to the stage where I feel totally rejected/unloved/unwanted etc. He told me I'm being selfish and lack empathy for his plight which I've apologised for but he won't accept, and he says he wouldn't be able to sleep even if Kylie was in bed next to him so it's not personal. It just feels that way.
There is so much more & I feel emotionally drained, I cry myself to sleep some nights, I can't concentrate and no matter how much I try to help him/suggest alternatives re the work situation he throws it back in my face. I am nearly 40 and feel trapped/helpless. I love him to bits and I think he loves me too but I feel as if my whole life is falling apart. Because of his job if we did split up I know that I will be at such a disadvantage over DD.
Can someone please advise on how I can get him to see what this is doing to us & DD, he won't talk to anyone about it and is basically burying his head in the sand waiting for the answer to come banging his door down - it won't.
Thanks

I am not sure what the answer that you want for him is. His work situation sounds very stressful - if he stays he gets paid little and if he leaves he could owe thousands. Is there an answer?

Insomnia could be a result of the stress. If he falls asleep on the sofa it might be best to leave him there - I was not sure if you were actually waking him up to get him to go to bed? If you are, I can see how that might be resented.

He sounds like a caring father (for the most part) and if you love each other there is no need to split up. If his work situation improves you will have more money and his stress level should fall, which may solve both the arguments and the insomnia.

I am sad to hear you have to try to keep things together through a very difficult time. It must be awful for you.

Is it possible for him to get some professional advice? The Law Society have a pastoral care helpline (tel 020 7320 5795). Could you ask him to call and see if they can help at all?

Take care

It does sound like he's under a lot of pressure and the stress is being carried over to his home life. I know I get very short tempered when things are bad at work.

Have you both sat down and worked out what the true impact of him cutting his losses would be?

Whilst there is a point where happiness has to be put in front of work, you don't want to make any decisions rashly.

Thank you for both replies.
He tends to wake himself up and stomp off to bed, I've never woken him up to suggest it. He did actually say that he thought he was suffering from depression but he won't speak to anyone about it albeit I will suggest the LS number, thank you.

I have no desire to end the marriage but I am afraid that it will get to that point on its own without some kind of intervention, either that or I remain an emotional punchbag for the rest of my days :(

When he's in the right frame of mind he's a great dad. I just feel so helpless & frustrated & angry at the situation his partners have put us in.

If it's the work that is causing the problems, then can you persuade him to resign his partnership? He could set up on his own if he's the one to bring the money in.

On the other hand, if you earn an acceptable salary, could he be a househusband for a while? That might be less stressful. But if he won't talk to his partners about this, then there's little chance of change.

If you think that he might be landed in debt, start separating your finances to save your own money & your house.

actually, we just went through something very similar. although my husband doesn't work for a law firm.

he was offered a partnership at a wonderful company in August, and all the background checks seemed great so he left his steady stable job to become partner.

oh boy, the first week we found out that it really was a sinking ship and he'd been poached to try to save it.

i know the stress that you feel. it's awful. i'm sorry. I did eventually make him quit, but it was an ultimatum and deep down inside i feel horrible for it to have come to that.

i'm very worried about the state of my marriage, but i have too many problems right now to take too close a look. :(

He's taking his problems at work out on you but you know that already. I think you have to adopt a zero tolerance to the way he treats you. Give him a warning that you plan to do this. He has to sort the work thing out himself I'm afraid. If he's a family solicitor he has the brains to work out other people's shit. He's a big boy and will have to get himself out of this situation. You must tell him you'll listen and be there for him whatever happens but never ever let him treat you badly because of exterior problems.

Poor you, it sounds like a horrible situation to be in.

I don't believe 'for better for worse' means it's acceptable for someone to treat you as their emotional punchbag when times get tough - but I do think that this is what some partners truly believe. It does mean trying to deal with difficult times by working through things together. I'm not sure that's an option from reading your OP though.

Would it be possible for you to make some time to discuss the problems, talk about possible solutions and see if you can come up with a plan of action?

If he's not prepared to try and make things better somehow for all of you, in your shoes I'd be tempted to issue an ultimatum - he needs to see a GP and get some help urgently if this is all down to depression. And there is always a solution to work problems, even if it means cutting your losses and starting over - that's got to be better than the current situation. If he's not prepared to do anything then what will you do? Could you go away and stay with family for a few weeks and give him some time to think about it on his own?

One thing that stood out was that you think he resents you for having a good job and decent income - I'm not sure how that fits into a happy relationship. And calling you a bad mother? That's not being stressed, that's just nasty.

He does sound like it's all about him. What about you and DD?

unfortunately, with our outgoings it would be difficult for mine to be the only income although it has crossed my mind more than once.

eandz, the situations sound so similar & I'm sorry you ended up in that position. Despite looking at the books and all appearing good, a couple of the partners retired/left so he got lumped in with the others paying them their equity, and then the big P.I. claims gravy train ground to a halt but they kept on spending the money. Consequently he has no equity to speak of, the others have about £100k each on paper and the overdraft is enormous. It's a bloody nightmare. I don't blame him for not sleeping but i do have a problem with him taking it out on me all of the time.

You need to see an independent third party (some kind of counsellor) to help your DH get perspective on his work situation. Probably not Relate - you need someone with more of a business background.

jonicomelately, that's what frustrates me the most, that he does this for a living and sees the strains it puts onto relationships and yet he can't see what it's doing to his own marriage. He doesn't want to see it though, that's the problem because he would then have to accept there is a problem to fix and it becomes unavoidable.

malinkey, for me & DD I just want a happy settled home life with all 3 of us in it together, whether that is still achievable remains to be seen and thankfully most of our rows tend to take place after she has gone to bed so she is protected from it. i just feel desperately sorry for her that her formative years have been blighted by unhappy parents.

Bonsoir, he absolutely won't talk to anyone, have tried that avenue and point blank refuses

Elliecat - that is a form of stonewalling, which is unacceptable behaviour. Maybe a therapist could help give you tools to get through to him?

What is he prepared to do? Why is it your job to try and fix everything when it's him causing all the grief?

I might feel sorry for him being in his work situation but it still doesn't excuse his behaviour towards you.

Sounds like stress and/or depression although the former can exhibit the signs of the latter or trigger the latter.
My DH was under a lot of pressure etc. at work, DD2 arrived unexpectedly and we were on the verge of divorce through most of my third PG. I couldn't do a thing right and I got to the point that I dreaded him coming home at night as I know I'd be in trouble for somethimg being out of place. One day I broke my back making sure that everything was perfect at home washing, ironing, shopping, cooking, cleaning, tidying, Stepford Wife style and he came home, dumped his shoes and briefcase in the middle of the clear hall and complained at me because one of the cushions had fallen off the sofa onto the floor and I'd missed it. I do not lie.
Up until that point I always felt the it probably was my fault as I've nver been the perfect housewife but actually I realised I would never get it right because the problem wasn't me. That made all the difference because once I got over the fact that therfore it mad him an absolute shit and bully, I realised that wasn't the man that I married and deep down I knew he wasn't like that. Once I got through that I then spent a long time trying to get through to him that it was the stress etc. that was causing this and not me. That was harder I admit as he isn't one for admitting anything is his fault, even now.
But things did get better at work and as a result got better at home. So my first advice is stick with it as you say you do still love him and he needs you now more than he probably ever did, try not to see his behaviour towards you as personal, I know its hard.
As to getting through to him, it's difficult IME men are very proud and put a lot of pressure on themselves to provide for their family and when they can't it really hits them hard and can lead to a kind of depression, head in the sand kind of thing. You need to sit him down and make him face up to everything in a kind of supportive but carefully not percived condescending kind of way. I find the firm but kind teacher approach helps, but I am so it's a bit easier. But make him sit down with you and put everything on the table and let him know that if he does it it won't get any worse but it will get better and that you won't be angry ( however cross you feel you mustn't show - he already knows he's let you down). When he's got it all down in front of him he can face up to it with you there to help/support and then you can start helping him make plans to sort it out even if he needs to take out a loan to pay off debts. I know bankruptcy is a diffcult situation for a lawyer and there may be a way to avoid it. And if not he'll lose you and DD too as what you are putting up with now is intolerable and he does need to do something.
Good luck - remember its not your fault he's just blaming yuo because you're there.

Hi,

I wonder if he does need to get the depression resolved. It was once through that insomnia was a symptom of depression but more recently the thinking has changed and it's thought that insomnia can cause depression. If he has depression then irritability is a common trait. His financial situation seems very difficult and I can understand why he feels like this - he works hard but is not getting anywhere.
I think a decision on the business has to be taken - is there a time when he is more relaxed, perhaps time away from work? Would he confide in any family members?

My father owned a business during the last recession and I recall the enormous stress he was under at the time (it also placed pressure on the whole family).

I know how you feel, believe me when I say so. I know.