Betrayed?

[rotw]

My bf begged me to use the camcorder while we were having sex. I said no but did record myself on my own for him. He asked to watch it and I said no I was not comfortable at the moment with it, I?ll do a different one or edit this for him to see. I even hid the camera so he wouldn?t be tempted. Last night he tells me he searched the house top to bottom to find it and watched it. I feel like it was personnel to me and I had said he couldn?t watch it and now he has gone out of the way to. He said he enjoyed it and end of discussion but I cant stop thinking/worrying about it. Am I overreacting or did he betray my trust?

I don't think you are overreacting at all yes he has betrayed your trust, i'm not entirely sure why you made the film in the first place or why you didnt wipe it straight away, it was obviously something you were not comfortable with and felt talked into.

There are couples who film themselves and get a kick out of it, thats great if its what you both want (personally wouldnt want to see myself on film lol).

You have not said how long you have been together but this is a huge breech of trust and I would make sure the film was wiped before anyone else gets to see it (not to worry you but that's a possibility).

If I was in your position I would seriously be wondering if I could carry on in this relationship

We have been together just over 5 years. He has been watching more porn lately and wanted something from me instead. I wasn't comfortable with it but thought it better then him getting off on someone else. I really should have delete it right away. I have now!
He makes it harder as he wont talk about problems. Like after he told me he knew i was upset but just closed down, had his dinner and then off to bed, which makes it so much worse, just leaving me to think about it. I feel so embarrassed ...

Yes he betrayed your trust - it wasnt him innocently stumbling across the camera he hunted high and low.

Although why you didn't delete the film is beyond me.

sorry x posts - at the very least you deserve an apology - altbough IIWY I would struggle to trust him again.

I would also have issues with his excessive porn viewing but that's a separate issue

Well five years is a fairly long relationship, if you had said a year or so I would have said run, now the only thing I can say is you would have to work out if you can get over this and you have to make him understand just how this has made you feel, if he wont listen to you in person send him an e-mail, make it clear you can't forget this or let it drop so he has to deal with it for the sake of your relationship.

I'd just die if someone was watching my wobbly bits on film even my own partner of 5 years so i can get just how embarressed you must be feeling about it too, he see's you as his sexy GF it will be hard to make him understand that, it was a turn on for him. Not one you were prepared to give to him though and that is whats so wrong about the whole situation

In hindsight I wish I had deleted it but I didn't think I needed to worry about it as I hid it away. I trusted him not to look I only hid it so he wouldn't get tempted.
Also, I couldn't understand that when he told me, he was shocked I was upset about it.

The porn thing is because I'm a 1/2 week he's 4/5 week. When we first got together it was the other way around but after he wasn't interested for so long i lost interested too. He now wants it all the time and when we do do it, its just to stop him pestering me for the night. So now when i'm out, he does it himself

Sex is a tiny part of a relationship until it's not working anymore then it becomes 99% of a relationship, have you lost sexual interest in your partner?

I still find him very sexy but I don't enjoy it very often with him. I have tried telling him what I enjoy and he tells me but he either doesn't listen or picks up one thing and only does that all the time.

I don't think I have lost sexual interest in him, just with it all in general.

Sometimes he makes me feel like I'm only there for two things, sex and cooking. Oh three, and cleaning

Putting aside what he has done for now then, I think you two probably need to work on your sexual and personal relationship a fair bit.

Sometimes it can feel like the only effection or attention you get is when partner is looking for a bit of the other, this obviously completely puts you off in first place. Maybe this whole thing was a very ill adviced attempt on his part to put some excitement back into your relationship.

I'n my late 20's early 30's I lost interest in sex a bit, it's very common I believe, it doesn't mean you can't enjoy sex again but you are going to have to make him understand what you want in the bedroom and what really is not going to work for you, yes be willing to try things he comes up with but only if you are comfortable with them, you wouldn't want him doing anything for you that he was not comfortable with.

I would also let him know how you feel about your role in the relationship, being aprieciated for what you do (cook/clean and so on)can make you much more reseptive in other aspects of a relationship, we all go through times when we feel like less sexual beings but his way of dealing with it has been the wrong way so far

Thank you for your help with this. You have helped a lot.
This is the first time i have posted anything on here and just talking about it helps. I don't have many friends and no one near close enough to share something like this with.
I will try and have another talk with him tonight and see where we get. He says he appreciates me and I completely agree with you about every time I get affection it feels like he is looking for a bit more. We can't seem to even kiss without him trying more on. I suppose its a round about. When I try for affection he sees an opportunity for more, because of this I don't kiss/cuddle as much so when I do he makes more of it. Does that make sense?

Absolutely makes sense, sometimes I ask my partner to tickle my back (I love this :) ) he sort of knows when i'm in the mood for a bit more than that or when a back tickle is just that, we cuddle and kiss on the sofa at times, that does not mean we go up to bed for sex.

You lose all that closeness when you hold back on affection because your partner always sees it as an open door to sex, this in turn means even if you might have felt like more yourself at times it puts you off, (the brain is a funny thing ).

When you are ready to try maybe you should suggest some "teen" dating to your partner, watching a movie, having a kiss and a cuddle but both understanding it's not leading to something else, this really does work and can re-awaken some of those first flush feelings that might be missing for you.

I tried talking to him... i didn't get a sorry i got told to 'get over it' and 'ill watch other wimen getting nailed instead'

now what???

Im shanking i'm that upset, why cant he understand how hurt i am?

meant to be shaking

Oh that's charming! So for him it's about sex and having a wank, not your feelings? Show him this thread! I'd be furious. If you want to work on things with him he needs to appreciate how you feel.

well im next to him crying and he is watching tv....... shows he cares

This is a bad relationship. No amount of talking will get this man to see you as a human being and a woman in her own right. Leaving him just might, but not without him having therapy.

What you are saying is that he uses you for sex, cleaning and cooking. He uses porn to excess and describes sex with a woman as "nailing her" .
He coerced you into doing something you weren't comfortable about and you gave into that pressure. When you asked him not to view it, he trampled all over that request, viewed it anyway and would countenance no discussion about how wrong that was.

What on earth are you getting out of this relationship? He's a shit lover who does absolutely nothing to earn having you.

he doesn't sound much of a catch. normal men don't discuss women in terms of 'getting nailed'.

Dump and run.

We need SGB here she'd tell you. Or PeterA.

its funny, in a sad way, any one who knows us, asks the same question. i always just say i love him.
At the moment though i just feel

its not even just about him watchngit now, its every time he hurt me he tells me to just gt of it

Yes but what's there to love? Are you sure it is love and not just dependance? Either way you absolutely deserve more. Have a really good think about how you got to be in a relationship where you accepted laziness, selfishness, rubbish sex and your wishes being trampled on left right and centre. What paved the way for this to happen?

Well he's right - you should get over it.

And you can't do that while the source of your pain is sitting beside you mocking you for being upset.

To get over it you have to leave him.

I would leave the room, are you on a lap top? Go to your bedroom if you can, and get him out of sight, what a wank thing to say to his partner of 5 years. My husband got a bit like this after my ds was born, because the sex dropped and he looked for any opportunity. It was a re-education as since he had a bad relationship previously where sex was a bargaining tool by his ex wife, and also having no family affection, he saw sex as a measure of love.

We had to sit down and have a real heart to heart with a counsellor, he had no choice, as he was forces I rang and arranged counselling through the family service. He was angry and against it but when he saw how upset I was with his porn viewing and everything else it was a huge wake up call.

Nailing women eh? What a spunk trumpet. Sorry sweetie, but unless it's a problem stemming from the past that he is willing to work on then he sounds like a belligerent child. Only you can decide but I agree, it might be dependancy that is keeping you there in what is becoming a very unhealthy situation.

If I thought you felt stronger I would encourage you to get a couple of gay porn magazines, where the men have unearthly massive dicks, bigger than your partner, tuck them under your arm, tell him you are off to the bathroom for a bit of "me time"and lock yourself in the bathroom. Don't have to read them (pop a grazia under the covers), just moan a lot when he paces outside.

and please delete that tape and make sure he hasn't made a copy.

If he can see your

thank you for that! It made me smile.
I deleted it right after he told me, and gone into the bedroom with my laptop.
I was thinking of leaving for the night and seeing what happeneds tomorow. He came in though just as I was going and sort of started takling. He said he feels like he is always walking on eggshells with me and that he can never do right, he said he is sorry for watching it and that he didn't realise i didn't want him to, he thought i was only playing when i said no. I said it was something i wasn't comfertable doing and although did to please him i wasn't ready for the next stwp (him seeing it)
he has had a bad past relationship, his wife cheated on him and although we have been together awhile i think he is still trying to guard his heart

Naw he is a dick..end of ..no excuses