Fancy a nice MIL thread? I need some coping strategies..

[MirandaGoshawk]

MIL is coming to visit next week. She is a snooty piece and I've never been good enough for her DH. Last time she came it was her first visit to this house and she swept through, eagle eye glinting, pronouncing on our home.

The problem is that DH does have a bit of a whinge about it every now & then, but we can't afford The Old Vicarage, and I really like it here. We haven't had a penny off her for it, so why should she pronounce? It's not her taste. But I don't want her bloody opinions.

She floored me with her comment that I didn't have any ornaments! I have a few, but obviously not enough for her approval. Also that we shouldn't have let DS choose his bedroom carpet & wall colour (doesn't match rest of house). And we haven't got a rug in the kitchen (DH would like one, I don't want to cover the tiles).

After DH had a whinge a while back, she rang & told me she thinks I ought to put it on the market. I told her I'd do that if I found somewhere I liked more. But we can't afford better without taking on a bigger mortgage, which I don't want to do.

How can I handle this? I don't want her to get to me.

Whoops! I meant I've never been good enough for her DS!

smile and say "ah well....." then walk away and find something very important to do
Best not to respond I think

Practice saying something like "oh really?" or "that's a shame" in a non-committal but slightly icy tone to every comment she makes, and leave it at that. Maybe she enjoys getting up your nose, maybe it's just the way she is. But she can't really get to you if you don't let her - don't get into any discussions with her about her gripes, you don't need to explain or justify your choices to her.

Her tastes are not your tastes, so big whoop to her. I should just shrug it off.

I'd possibly ask DH not to whinge about the house to her if it all comes back on you.

He should whinge to you and maybe if he wants a rug you should consider having one? Depends who feels most strongly about it, I guess.

He doesn't want a rug as badly as I don't want one .

Tell your DH that a rug in the kitchen would be both dangerous (a trip hazard) and unhygienic. Tiles are much better, easier to keep clean.

(Ditto ornaments, BTW. And very unpractical if you are planning on blessing her with some grandchildren?)

Then remind him who he's married to - you, not her! He could always go and live in her house for a while if he doesn't like your house?

Your DH shouldn't be whinging to his mother about your house. As for having a rug in the kitchen, if he cleans the floor let him have one if it's that important to him. But only IF he cleans the floor.

Re the ornaments/decoration/rug in kitchen - how about "oh, it's funny how fashions in interior design change isn't it? That would make this look like an old person's house."

Re the size of your house how about "Yes, my friend XXX has a beautiful large house, but then her husband does earn an awful lot more than DH - i guess DH is lucky to have me rather than someone who'd be disappointed with this lifestyle."

Agree with Pollyblue - I am a MIL but would never dream of passing such comments. She sounds like a really insensitive woman. I like Polly's comments though - also think this will annoy your MIL more than entering into any discussion/debate!! Yes, tell your DH to stop winging to her, it just gives her ammunition. As for ornaments I have it in mind (might be totally wrong) that she collects that ghastly capo dimonta sp?(china doll things with crinoline dresses)- just say "ornaments are not my taste, I prefer functional to decorative" or something like that, or "ornaments are so last century!"

Good luck with the visit - how long does it last?

Love FakePlasticTrees suggestions!

rugs in the kitchen are dangerous anyway..

I would just say "oh well" whenever she makes any comment and just change the subject..

Lol at NanaNina's "ornaments are so last century!"

easy answer,ban her from visiting,i have'nt had anything to do with my monster in law for years,its the best thing i ever did,no bitching,no hastle,its great,i don't miss her at all.

I'm afraid I'm a bit tactless and would be most likely to say, cheerfully or a little tartly depending on my mood, "Well it's a good thing you don't have to live here then, isn't it?" And if I were in a very bad mood, "in fact you don't even have to see it at all if it distresses you". Works if your DH isn't the sort to give you an earful afterwards about how incredibly rude you were.

When I go round to DS1 and DIL's I just say to them "You'll have to imagine me doing the mother-in-law thing of seeing whether you've swept under the sofa, because I can't be bothered." Their place is always immaculate anyway. But then DIL is great, and the fact that I have created a son good enough to marry her is a great source of pride. (I've told him what will happen if he ever fails to worship her as she deserves, but he assures me there is no danger of that.)

ps Rug in the kitchen? Does anyone really truly have a rug in their kitchen? That's kind of... weird.

Annie

Will you be my MIL? (Although you really shouldn't look under my sofas).

"'MIL, rugs are so dangerous especially when you have wobbly, bonkers elderly relatives staying.'"

That made me laugh.
Yes, you should tell her that you remove the rug specifically for her safety-& that you put ornaments away lest she break any

Tell her if she wants you to have a different house, then she can provide the money for it.

I do this with my DM and it stops her every time.

I tell you what, Belle, I won't look under your sofa if you don't look under mine.

Ornaments! What, like some nice Royal Doulton lady figurines like my cousin's Nanna has?!

Sympathies!

I wouldn't even credit her digs with a response, if it was me. I would just sort of wince a bit and look pityingly at her as if she has just pissed on her own shoes. Every time you justify your choices to her, it confirms her belief that she has the right to make you do that.

Thanks to you all. I have come to the conclusion that 'not caring' is the only way, and as a couple of people suggested, just shoulder-shrugging & ignoring.

The rug - she has a manky stained rug in the kitchen - DH has grown up with it so I suppose he thinks it's normal. But yes, I think it's dangerous as well as dirty-looking. What's it for? To hoover? Why not just sweep the floor?

As to the ornaments - they were put away when the Dch were little & have never gone back!

I just think it's incredibly rude to say anything other than 'How lovely!' when you visit someone's house. So perhaps I shall take up Dilly's suggestion and say that if she cares to put some money towrds somewhere... Except I wouldn't have the cheek. I may be common (to her) but I'm not rude!

Rug in the kitchen? Really?

If it's any consolation, my mother in law was determined to force me to put woodchip wallpaper up, or anaglypta as a compromise. She actually drove me to Homebase under the pretext that she needed some paint samples, then dragged me over to look. This went on and on. And when I said I didn't want eggshell paint on the woodwork in a Victorian house she offered to buy the paint we wanted as a Xmas gift, and instead bought what SHE wanted.

Moral of the story - ignore her, and accept that she will always see your DH as 4, and you as an inferior childminder who needs a firm hand. Or maybe that's just my MIL.