Absent Father Affecting Life

[WantToMoveOne]

I've name changed for this as it's a hugely personal thing to be talking about (as so much of MN is, I know) and I don't want it 'following' me IYKNIM? Please be honest but gentle! This is the first time I've really vocalised this!

I am single and have been for 14 years - bar one, year long relationship that ended 7 years ago (am late 30?s). It's not being single at my age that bothers me; it's the length of time. I feel ashamed / a weirdo for being so single. I'm beginning to feel very down about this. If you met me, you'd think I was a successful, bright, sociable, independent, attractive woman. I'm often asked 'Why are you STILL single?' (I resist the urge to ask why they're still married). I'?ve been told I'm a 'catch' (can't think of a better way to put that). Don't feel like one though. I don't want to be single anymore. I appreciate I can't wave a magic wand but I can actively sort out the issues that keep me 'locked up'.

The issue is that my father leaving when I was small has left me with issues of abandonment and neediness - I can intellectualise them and understand them but I don't know how to make them go away!

I don't know exactly how old I was, but have no memory of living with him. He was intermittent in my life till I was about 7. Haven't seen or heard from him since. After my parents divorced, he remarried quickly (I think) and had another child. His wife did not like me and I remember being acutely aware of this at 4 / 5 years old. I always felt like I was a burden , an irritant - to be endured till I could be given back to my mum (who never left me in any doubt that she loved me very much). Thing is, I desperately wanted him to like me and I remember trying so hard to be good. So much so that I would be terrified of getting it 'wrong' and incurring his extreme irritation. I could give you countless examples of trying - and failing - to please him. Bottom line, my father and his new wife didn't like me.

Trouble is, those feelings of needing to be good, of wanting to be liked, of 'if I'm good enough, they (he) won't leave me' have stayed with me into my adult relationships (not with friends) and I have this feeling that I'm just crap in relationships (clearly if I've not had one!). Prior to the fourteen years, I was in a fairly dysfunctional relationship for 8 years and I was terrified he was going to find someone better and leave me. He did. In the year long one, I feel like I subverted my personality in order to make him like me. No real surprise that it didn't work out! The desire to please becomes suffocating for both parties. But I handle the rejection very badly and become very depressed.

I have - subconsciously - avoided relationships in order to a) protect myself from the depresion and b) because of my habit of hiding my needs in order to make someone love me; to be everything they need. Trouble is, I know that's not healthy and now I want to share my life with someone. I' a realist and am no way expecting perfection from a man (nor 'saving') but I'm terrified of making the same mistakes again unless I deal with the old 'inner child'.

So, I think I know what my issues are and I guess I'm asking your advice on how I deal with them - which counselling / any books etc that I should read.

And thanks for staying with this till the end.

bump

Attila might be a good MNetter for you to talk to. Hopefully she'll be along.

Hi Wanttomoveon,

You are right in thinking that your problems have their roots from the time your father left in childhood. I think you can get past this but not without outside help which you are now seeking (you would go onto repeat the same old relationship mistakes so you need to unlearn the patterns). It will be at times bloody hard going for you emotionally but I would urge you to persevere with it.

None, absolutely none of what happened to you was your fault; you were let down and abjectedly so by the people who were supposed to love and care for you. I just want you to know that.

If you want to give counselling a go I would suggest you give BACP (British Association of Counselling and Pyschotherapy) a try; their website will have a list of counsellors in your area. Would advise that cousnellors however, are like shoes; you need to find someone that fits with you.

I wish you the very best of luck, an update sometime in the future would be great.

Thank you both for taking the time and to Attila for your kind words.

Do you know what sort of Counselling / Psycholtherapy I should go for? The choice seems slightly overwhelming! Gestalt? Existential? Psychosynthesis? NLP? CBT? OMG?!?!

I do want to tackle this, even though it will be emotionally tough but I know it will be worth it in the long run. Knowing your behaviour and changing are two very different things. I don't feel let down by my Mum and subsequent (step but bloody amazing and been in my life for over 30 years) dad (he's my dad). But I do sometimes feel guilty that their absolute love hasn't been enough to make that initial rejection inconsequential. But hopefully counselling will help me deal with that too!

Thank you once again. And I hope to update in the future!

Counselling may well help. It might also help to 'rethink' your situation ie that you are still single because you are not prepared to have a relationship with any old knobend who happens to offer you one. It's not that difficult to enter into a relationship: to be blunt there are plenty of men out there who are 'available' and keen to have a relationship... because they are not actually that desirable - because they are abusers, addicts, or just lazyarse cocklodgers. It's more difficult, admittedly, to find a nice man and a workable way of sustaining a relationship but hopefully good counselling will help you to see what would be a functional relationship for you and also give you good strong boundaries and standards so you avoid entering into a crap one.

Atilla has given sound advice. You sound very insightful and eloquent, and well done for writing all that down as it must have felt odd at least.

Similar thing happened to me, father left, not sure exactly when, and haven't seen him since. I have similar issues to you in a relationship but am in a solid healthy one currently. For me, it's affected my career more than my relationships, for example I often feel like things are my fault when they probably are not and in my line of work this caused huge problems.

I'm not qualified to say which type of therapy would work well but good luck, I hope you find it.

Hi Wanttomoveon,
Your post really struck a cord with me. My closest mate went through exactly the same as you as a child and has (understandably) had serious abandonment issues ever since. Like you he appears to be the perfect catch. Good looking (the bastard), intelligent, succesful and ricidiculously well paid. He has had two long term serious relationships and a couple of shorter term ones.

I thought I'd post to give an insight to what I think is holding him back and see if any of these points sounded familiar to you.

He has bottled up his emotions for most of his life. He opens up to me now but not sure how comfortable he is doing so. He has had counselling for about 2 years but I'm not sure the counsellor is right for him - he has said so himself. So I guess he needs to try some others.

I think the biggest thing I have noticed about him is that he is so specific about the crtieria that any woman must meet that it's clear for all to see that he will never get all the boxes ticked. He is so rigid in his 'selection' (he can be because he has women falling at his feet) that the ones that are clearly right for him get 'passed over' without a second thought. I have been emabarrasingly frank with him about this but he is adamant that he has to stick to his stupid criteria. I have tried to persuade him to 'cast his net wider' and get out of his comfort zone but he will have none of it.

In this respect, I'm not sure he is honest with himslf either when it comes to why he gets it so wrong. It's painful to see him ask for advice and almost pretend he hasn't heard me if the answer isn't what he wants to hear. He has even relayed stories of his sister who is unsurprisingly in the same boat and how she gets it so obviously and frustratingly wrong, but can't see that he is doing exactly the same (he could literally be talking about himself).

Maybe this is of limited relevance to you and if so, my apologies. As I say, I thought simply relaying a similar set of circumstances in the third person may help.

Best of luck.

SpringChicken I know you're right in many ways and I think I have persuaded myself to think that way for many years - it's been a bit of a defense mechanism. To be honest, I don't meet many men I'm attracted to and no man has made a move on me for about 7 years (apart from a one nighter with an old friend). I think I probably give off 'Keep Away' vibes!

I do look at some friends relationships and think really? but I also see some that are based on real respect, honesty, love and affection.

Trouble is, I have met someone I am deeply attracted to but am terrified of letting him know in case I f*k it up. He's a good friend and I would hate to get into a relationship with him, mess it up and lose him from my life because I am insecure, needy and jealous. He's the first man I've met who I feel I can be 'me' with and that's scary too. He's not a bastard, doesn't seem to need a woman to bolster his ego and is genuinely interested in my ideas and thoughts. He doesn't put me down. These are all very new concepts for me! We're just friends at the moment and it feels very grown up but I don't think I would be able to make it work.

And Betty, thank you. It did take a very deep breath to write and post it! I've written it in my head many times but it also feels strangely cathartic to put it in words. And although my eyes have welled up I have't cried (a miracle!). Like you it does affect my work. I'm freelance in a very competitive environment and I'll often take the wrap to keep the peace. And I think it's effecting my progress. But it's lovely to hear you're in a good relationship now.

GiveMeSomeSpace, ah your friend sounds like an 'Over Achiever' - just like me! Christ, I'm so of a cliche that I had an eating disorder in my 20's! Thank you for taking the time to post.

It's not so much that I have a tick list, more that I can't believe anybody wants to be in a relationship with me and thus I am amazed and grateful and do anything to make them happy if they do. So much so that I ignor my own needs. But you can only do that for so long before the craziness comes out.

But you've given me pause for thought - I am picky (I would say I have standards. My friends would use the 'picky' word!) Maybe like your friend, I am using this 'pickiness' and 'tick list' to keep people at arms length?

Maybe, like me, your friend hasn't wanted to get out of his comfort zone (singledom)? Because to leave it requires a lot of emotional work. And the opening of a very painful can of worms.

Your friend is lucky to have you. Maybe point him towards this thread? God, it's amazing what I can do for others that I can't do for myself

You too will also be in a lovely relationship. Sounds like you just have to sort some stuff out first maybe. Good luck, I wish you the best.

Glad to help OP.

Would love to see his face if I told him he should look at a site called Mumsnet - would be priceless. He would think I'm fecking mad. Fact is I came on here to sort out some of my own issues and it's helped massively - not sure he'd be quite that open minded yet - although that's a fairly close minded assertion for me to make....... good idea :)

Maybe me and him should get together?! Arf !!

Thank you all for making me realise that knowing the issue is half the battle. Just got to finish the war now....

For what it's worth, my wife thinks he's permanently fucked up so I wouldn't wish him on you! :) Sounds like you're on the right track. Stick with it.

Hi there

Just to say you aren't alone,pet.

i am late 30s to andwas dumped at NY by a CP man. He was a textbook case and we were on and off for the guts of 8 years. I put up with his carry on as I didnt want to be alone and thought I loved him. Bottom line is he was unavle to commit to me and a future.

I also had an absent father. Split with my mum when I was about 5 and we kids saw him at weekends. he was always seeing 2 women at once, expected us to lie for him.... age 12 i said enough is enough and went to court to say I didnt want to see him again. he witheld maintenance money time and again and my siblings and mum suffered terribly.

A book that helped me is called Women Who Love Too Much and another is Toxic Parents (both bestsellers).

I too am considered a catch, look after myself, have amazing friends and social life but I amm fearful of a normal relationship... I suppose i feel too messed up to deserve one.

Chin up, you aren't alone. You can help yourself. I plan to read those books again now I am recently single and dealing with the issues you posted... I could have wrote your post myself.

All the best. Stay strong xx

Thank you Sunflower and thanks for the book recommendations too. Chin up Right Back At You.

It's tragic how many messed up adults there are all because some people shouldn't really be parents. He (birth father) was probably a f* up himself and he just passed it along.

I don't have kids but want them and want to break the bloody cycle - for my sake as much as theirs.

sorry, what's a 'CP' man?

commitment phobic... 46 year old eternal bachelor. i sure can pick them... ha!

Woman Who love Too Much is incredible, must read it again in the context of what happened at NY.

And yes, my father should never have been a parent. We always felt like we were a burden and in the way at weekends because he was too busy running around after his girlfriends (plural!!!!)

Of course it affects you. We dont have that security that other people have that we are valid and worthwhile. I have several close friends that have had abandonment issues and they have both struggled with relationship issues relating to their childhoods.

We just have to stay strong and BREAK the cycle and never look back :)