Want a rant about the crapness of my relationship
I have been married for 7 years and have 2 DD's aged 4 and 2, my H and I have had a very rocky relationship for the last couple of years, I discovered he was having an emotional affair with someone at his work, who was a family friend I confronted her and she left work soon after coupled with the fact that I am never good enough, I don't (In his view) put enough effort in housework etc (Currently a SAHM)
Recently after a few blowups from me, due to the way he spoke to me, general insults and name calling over housework and things, things have at least been stable although I am still paranoid and can't trust him (I wonder if I am subconsciously showing this?) there is little affection and lots of rejection from him I feel constantly as though I am walking on eggshells
Then a few of weeks ago I woke up to him trying to have sex with me, he claims I was amenable to his advances I pushed him off me hard, a week after this he did the same thing but I was turned on and agreed to continue with a condom, it came off very easily and I suspected he didn't put it on, although I didn't say that to him, I told him to stop a few times before he did (I am not on birth control which he is fully aware of although I am getting the Mirena at my smear as hormonal methods have a big psychological effect on me) and asked him to put a new one on and he got v. annoyed and gave me the cold shoulder as he doesn't like them and they spoil things, which he has never mentioned before.
So the relationship has taken another nose dive and there is more coldness than ever, I have been trying hard to keep him happy and really making an effort with the house work, last night he went off to bed without saying a word I go to see what he was doing as I was quite tired and I get a glimpse of porn on the telly before he quickly changed it to the TV Guide with an erection visible beneath the covers.
It's not the fact he was watching porn or masturbating more that he so obviously doesn't want me willingly he skulked off without telling me he was going to bed, we are meant to be going on holiday next week with the PIL but tbh the thought of two weeks in his enforced company is making my skin crawl
I have even become jealous of the DD's in a way as they get so much more love and closeness than I have had since I discovered the OW DD1 is always been a real daddy's girl and she came into out bed the other night in the middle of us, and although I know it is just me being sensitive, he pulled her off of me (she was snuggling into my back) and into him. He always gets involved when I am telling them off for fighting over toys but I am not ever allowed to intervene when he is telling them off ( I feel because he so obviously favours DD1 taking her into work playing with her he is so much stricter with DD2 who most definitely to the point of rudeness despite encouragement prefers to be with me than him when she is feeling grumpy or tired etc )
I don't know what to do, how can this relationship continue, how do I have a conversation to try and sort this, he doesn't want to go to counselling but I can't see how we can continue