broken heart yet again

[partytime]

Hope that you can offer some advice on how to deal with my feelings on this.
I feel so pathetic and empty now.

My DP, or so I thought, of 8 months, has been a bit distant the last week. He has a lot of stress in his life, 4 DC, ex wife, money issues relating to divorce, business and property. I know he shuts down when he has things on his mind, so I just presumed he was preoccupied.

We have had a great relationship, we get on very well together, lots of laughs, very affectionate, a couple of weekends away, nights out, fab sex. He is a lovely man.

So finally last night I got him to open up, and did he drop a bombshell.

For a few months he has said he loved me and wanted to be with me. I have fallen in love with him too. But last night he said that he didn't love me, he felt that due to the hurt he'd experienced when his wife left him for OM about 4 years ago, he knew he hadn't got it in him to love me nor did he see a future for us.

He also said that he thought he would never be able to have a future with anyone else either.

He says that he still wants to see me but as a less intense, deep relationship.

How can I do this? I love him. I couldn't switch that off and have a more 'friends with benefits' relationship, which I guess is what it would be.

I'm angry he didn't let me know this from the start. At first he told me that he was looking for a long term committed relationship. I feel totally stupid, that I have misread the signals, hurt that he let it go this far.

I don't know what to do.

You aren't stupid. 8 months is still new though, so maybe just maybe hold back next time and don't go too fast too soon.

You need to call it a day with him, I don't need to tell you this is a mind fuck. This kind of arrangement can only work if you are both on the same page.

He wants his cake and to eat it. Truthfully I think you need to cut all ties and move on. Think of it as ripping the plaster off.

You are not stupid. He lied to you, and led you on.

You sound lovely, and if you want more than "FWB" walk away now and save yourself any more heartache.

Take care of your heart. Save it for someone who is in a better place to accept it. This man isn't it.

Thank you for your replies. I have been out with a friend all day and just returned.

She said pretty much the same thing. I know it makes sense but he has meant so much to me.

Maybe he is a bit of a rebound from my split with H of 22 years, I had been single for just 9 months when I met DP. He has been wonderful, treats me in ways I had never experienced with my H, perhaps that's why I fell in love with him so quickly.

It's just all very sad because his words last night haven't made sense alongside his actions of the last few months.

He tried to end it in November saying that he couldn't imagine being without me and would rather end it sooner rather than later. He changed his mind after a day. The reason he said this is because I live away from my family and intend to move nearer to them once my divorce settlement is through.

He also says that the time he spends with me makes him feel guilty about his DC. All teenage, and he dotes on them. I have not once asked him to give up any of his time with them to be with me, just as I will not forgo time with my DC to be with him (mine are away at Uni) He says he lets them down.

He does carry a lot of guilt from his marriage breakdown although it was not of his making. I believe that this has happened due to his own issues and insecurities and is not a reflection on me as a person.

I asked him what he was scared of and he said he was scared of nothing. He just couldn't commit tome in the way he felt I wanted.

How very different to how he was talking a few days ago.

He's dumping all his baggage on you, lovely OP. If there's one thing I have to keep telling myself with regard to men, what counts is what they DO and not what they SAY. As the others have all pointed out, he's the one with issues, not you, and he was selfish to get so involved with you.

I know all about rebounds after divorce and would suggest just going as slowly as you can next time. There's no way you can continue to see this man under his conditions - you would end up miserable and frustrated. Tell him you feel misled and used and that you can't see him anymore. End of. Have some time out and then maybe think of meeting someone new. And 8 months with someone isn't long at all. Just be grateful it wasn't 8 years.

This guy is a mind fucker you know that right? He is not a nice guy, reel 'em in and dump them again. Push me pull me.

It's all designed to screw you over so you fall in love with this lovely horrible man and get more and more desperate to keep him as you never know when he may "dump" you again.

He is a control freak and game player at best well shot.

What a scary thought, meeting someone new again. Going through all that.

I truly thought we had something, too trusting that's me.

After H betrayal, well documented on here, I didn't think I would be happy again, and yet I have been. To lose it all once more is so painful.

Thank you for the support, I take all comments on board and hope I can make a reasoned decision. I have to do what's right for me, I know that.

I wanted to say that I don't think it happened too quickly because at first I was the one backing off, making my intentions clear. But it did happen and now I'm going to be without someone I care about yet again.

and you will be happy again!

Take a positive from this; you can have relationships and they can be loving and kind.

When you are ready and over this, you can find love with someone so much more deserving.

This man has way too much going on in his head to ever think of putting you at his centre.

I have just received a txt asking how I have been today, apologies for what's happened and he hopes I understand, can we speak soon xx

He obviously has no understanding of how I feel.

DO I reply? What do I say? I'm in bits trying to work my feelings out.

Just leave it.

Heal yourself, he is trying to make himself feel better, not you

for one stop texting and start talking. texts are no way to conduct a relationship or discuss them.

then lay down your boundaries. you don't want to be "friends with benefits". well you really don't, do you? so it's best you go your separate ways. then say you need to let the dust settle to get over things so no more communication and wish him well with his journey.

No, don't answer, Just let it go.

or

At the very very least, send him a message telling him its over, and that you do not want a friendship. tell him to stop contacting you.

That puts a line in the sand for you....

He's just called but away on business. As I hadn't replied to txt, he thought he'd ring to see how I was. I said we couldn't talk now as he was obviously in a public place.
He suggested he came over on his return tomorrow, I said no as DC2 would be home.

I'm so sad and confused.

Well done for being cool with him and not engaging.

How about you just tell him what you told us? That you had thought there was something special between you and his pulling away has hurt you and made you sad and confused.

Because of that you need some time and space to think about yoir relationship and whether you can continue it on his terms.

If this is a distancer/pursuer relationship and he feels you are chasing him too hard he is pulling away to his comfort zone. All you have to do is stand still and stop chasing him and he will come back to see where you are.

But can you be bothered with all that game playing?
Wouldn't a healthy equal loving relationship be much better? You deserve that!

come over ?

what for ?

so he can big himself up by seeing you upset ?

don't be used like that

RR - he has never suggested I'm shagging someone else at all.

Little - a friend in RL suggested this scenario too. But for me to give him space, then I have to be sure I'm prepared for him to never return. Besides you're right I had enough game playing with my ex to last a lifetime, I do deserve better.

End it, he is either playing you, or is still fucked up from his marriage going tits up.

Either way he is not going to be a good partner until he sorts himself out.

Text/tell him that he made himself very clear and you are not looking for a casual relationship with him, or even a serious relationship with him if he's not ready. Thank him for the good times you've shared and wish him luck in healing.

That is it.

If you try to keep this thing going, I guarantee he will wear you into a shadow of yourself, he will destroy your self esteem.

End it, walk away and don't look back. Quite simply, HE IS NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU. You DO deserve better.

Honestly? I don't think he is a player at all. I think he has very recently been very hurt and is still working through it. He probably does really like you and initially saw a future for you both. He probably didn't realise how fucked he would feel after his family broke up and how that is affecting him in the long term.

I think you should go easy on him.

You are not stupid and nor do I think he lied to you. Maybe he felt he could love again but doesn't feel he can. He probably doesn't want to get hurt again. he hasn't done anything wrong. He has told you how he now feels and what kind of relationship he feels he can have. You don't have to go along with it.