am i being really, really harsh?

[candlebythewindow]

i've been with my DP for a long time. we were together from when DS was 9 months til he was about 4&1/2 ish, and got back together in august. i have a lot of issues with trust, because of my family, DS's dad and also things that DP has done in the past (mostly just pointless white lies). i totally admit that i'm not always in the right and that i can be paranoid although i don't think i am as much as i used to be.

DP is supposed to be moving in with DS & i when my lease needs to be renewed. i'm happy with him and i love him to absolute pieces. he is my other half and the time apart was pretty rough. think we both benefited from it. we're both 25.

however.. i'm expecting him to take more of a role in our family and not be part time. he is trying hard, i think, most of the time. but like tonight. DS is staying at my parents' and i asked him to come round. he said no, saying he was staying at his parents' or his flat - so obv no concrete plans.

i am so angry about this. well, not just this but what it represents about our relationship. he's said that he shouldn't be made to feel guilty about it; i've said that it's his choice but he needs to be aware that i'm not happy about it. part of my email back to him said "i'm not telling you what to do, you're an adult. if you want to do these things, you do them, just be aware that i'm not happy about it and won't wait around for you to act like a family with me. if you want to come round, that's great and i would be so happy as it would show that i'm really coming first in your life. we can arrange a time. if you're staying at the flat/your parents' (no concrete plans then?), that's up to you."

this was in response to him saying that i need to just "tell him waht to do" so that he doesn't upset me .

last night he came round to spend time with me and LO. at the weekends he's been staying with us. while he was round he said he was getting the last bus home so that his brother could drop off keys to his parents' house. i was a bit annoyed about this and asked why he had to do it at 11pm on a saturday night, why wasn't he staying etc? he kept just saying "well IF YOU WANT ME TO i'll text him and say to just forget it". that's what pissed me off - everything is put into my hands, so that i'm the bad guy who is responsible for it. i told him this and said if it wasn't a problem eh would've just texted himself instead of "getting my permission" which he certainly doesn't do for anything else. :( just feel creep. am i being really horrible??

You do sound fairly controlling, sorry.

I think you two need to have a discussion about how you intend to live your lives together and where your boundaries are. Sounds like it descended into a "who said what" and there are nevery any winners of that argument. I guess the theme is that he doesn't seem to want to stay overnght so I would start with that discussion to see whether you should actually be planning on living together at this stage.

I found the op quite difficult to break down really.

What is it exactly that you want him to do?

At the moment, he doesnt live with you, so he is free to go as he wishes isnt he?

Can I just check I've understood this right, your son is at his grandparents for the night so you've invited dp round, he says no gonna stay at home tonight and you've kicked off?

You do sound controlling. I honestly think if you continue to try and exercise such a level of control over him your relationship will break down.

rainbow i do worry about being really controlling - that's kind of what i meant about the paranoia, it was ruling our lives and part of the reason we split - i couldn't cope with feeling like i was wrecking his life by worrying that he was lying to me (but then i was owrrying that he was lying because he was lying... etc). there were also issues with him being emotionally abusive and once physically, as well as being threatening, but that's pretty much been overcome (apart from the verbal stuff when he's had a drink - he's stopped now). i've been much better, and i really odn't think i am being controlling now - just stating what i expect from our relationship.

i said to him when we got back together that if he wanted to live as a single guy, not a family, then that was absolutely fine but it wasn't what i wanted, and if that's what he wanted then we couldn't be together. not confrontational, just stating facts IYSWIM? and he agreed that he wants to be a family and would stop the crap that he'd been doing - e.g. drinking nearly every night etc, which he has and which i'm really appreciative of. makes me love him more to see how much he wants to make things work.

textualhealing - we've tried to talk about ti but i think he has problems with talking through things. he only says things that are simmering away when he's really angry so i feel like i never quite know how he feels, if that makes sense.

reading back voer this i realise i sound like a total child. i've worked really hard to get where i am and i really am not an idiot, really.. feel pretty stupid just now. not sure why. :(

OP I don't think you sound controlling - I can see you are trying to lay down guidelines and boundaries for your relationship.

I think the problem is that these guidelines don't seem to have any sanctions. If you don't trust your partner, if he has lied to you in the past, and if he isn't as committed as you want - why are you with him?

In a sense anyone in a committed relatinship 'controls' their partner with their expectations. You want a partner who wants to spend time with you when he can ie. you expect at this stage of the relationship that he would stay at your house where possible. I do understand that.

I don't think you sound like a child at all - you made it clear you wanted a certain kind of relationship and it is becoming obvious it isn't the kind of relationship that he is able/ prepared to offer.

Of course nobody wants to TELL their partner who to do all the time - he can't tell you to always ask, you have to be singing from the same sheet voluntarily.

I think your insecurities and lack of self confidence mean you are staying in a relationship which isn't right for you.

YOu are giving him mixed messages ie. this is not what I want, but then you are putting up with it.

If you dont like the way he lives his life, end it - and believe that there is someone out there who is really right for you.

Honeslty - don't be hard on yourself you are trying to negotiate a relationship sensibly

thanks for your replies. obv not really what i want to hear :( but need to hear it i guess.

squeakytoy - we've spoken over the last few months about him taking a much bigger part in our lives as a family. not as "dad" but just as part of our family. moving in together, doing more family things etc.

it just feels like a sticking point because we don't see each other much during the week, we both work full time and he works shifts - he has his days off jsut now and no plans. he says things will be "different" when we live together but i don't really know how.

i don't begrudge him nights out with friends etc at all, i just get worried because of things that have happened in the past - him getting ridiculously drunk and saying horrible things, the next day saying he can't remember/didn't mean it.

Sorry but I agree with rainbowinthesky and think you sound controlling.

You seem to be trying to force him to do what you want but perhaps some of it is down to expectations and bad communication. You expected him to stay over just because your ds was away but he didn't seem to have that expectation. The fact that he didn't have anything else planned is irrelevant, he didn't want to spend that evening with you and wanted the evening to do whatever he wanted.

At the weekend I can see why you expected him to stay if he usually does and in that case perhaps he should have warned you in advance but again it was down to expectations and it seems that nothing was actually said.

You really need to sort out your communication if you're going to live together and I also think you'll need to accept it's going to be hard for him and he may well need to get away sometimes.

waterrat - thank you. i do think i'm trying to be sensible i just don't always go abotu it the right way.

and i realise from my last post he sounds like a bit of a dick. he can be i guess. but i can see how much he loves us and he has his own problems too. i can't stay angry with him for long. efel like a bit of a tit.

candle - if he says horrible things and has lied to you - please be sure this is a man you want to be with.

I think you need to pick this situation apart a bit - there are reasons you feel insecure ie lying in the past etc - very very realistic about this man before moving in with him. If you have had troubles in your family/ past that make you feel insecure, what about having some counselling to talk about that? Go onto the BACP website and you might find some cheaply in your area - it will help you talk through youre fears/ what they are based on/ help you communicate.

A read through the relationship section here on mumsnet shows just how many women get involved in relationships that make them feel insecure, with men who are just not good partners. Dont set yourself up for an unhappy life

Secondly - there is the issue that he doesn't have the same commitment to the relationship that you do. He wants to live a single mans life, not stay with you all the time.

If he isn't ready for the relationship you want, you have two choices - firstly - you pull back a bit, accept that he isn't ready to be with you all the time and is not in a good position to move in with you. You are young, you could enjoy your freedom too, until you know whether or not he is really right for you.

secondly = you could end it, seeing it isnt what you want. You talk openly about what you want, if he doesnt want it, it's over.

What is NOT an option is to stay with him but hope that by constantly being upset with him he will change. That will just turn you into a nervous wreck.

Be strong - you are young and have your life ahead of you - if this relationship isnt making you happy, dont be afraid to end it - or just pull back a bit and give yourself both some space.

thank you waterrat. great advice and i think i needed to hear it. scared of it failing again, and scared of feeling as bad as i did when we split before - took me a very long time to get over it. much stronger now i think (i say, crying as i type!!). also worried about how he'll react - has threatened suicide, spent months drinking nearly lost his job etc.

we're both under a lot of stress with work - his work is looking at redundancies and cutting pay, not sure where i'll be in terms of my job after july. nothing that can't be coped with, just a bit of extra stress.

i've tried to be really clear with him about what i want, and when he's agreed to that i tell him waht i expect. and he totally agrees with me and has began telling me when something's up/what he expects from me etc, which is a huge step. but then it can all be blown up in one argument and we're back at the beginning.

but thanks loads for your input. lots to think about.x

have texted saying i'm sorry it caused an argument and that we need to have a wee chat. i really hate fighting with him.

thanks for your replies, like i said before not really what i want to hear but i know that there's lots about my own behaviour that needs to change too.

Good luck with it, have faith in your own idea of what you want from a relationship - and be prepared to go it alone if you aren't getting it.

he just phoned and would barely even talk about it. as predicted he says he's been locked in the bathroom suicidal for an hour. i stated what i expected from him and he wouldn't even really listen to me. i said that i couldn't mke him this unhappy anymore and then he just kept sayin over and over "please just make the decisions". i don't want to do this to him. :( i don't want to make him feel so crap. am i doing the right thing by him to walk away? feel so rubbish.

that sounds really clinical - ididn't just get on the phone and start reelign off what i expected from him, i apologised for fighting and said that i thought we should talk about exactly what we wanted from "us". i don't know what else to do. really worried about him now.

Blimey, it's hard work isn't it?!

I agree with every word waterrat wrote, candle. I find him very controlling and manipulative from what you've written - this "you decide" think looks to me like a way of making you at fault for anything that goes wrong. You probably seem bossy because he's cornering you into it!

Just seen your 19:00 posts :( Trying to make someone else feel responsible for your potential suicide is abominable behaviour. You're not "making" him feel crap, that's what he's trying to do to you!

I'm really sorry he's put you through all this. You sound like a very nice woman - you just need to give up feeling responsible for other adults. Good luck :)

Before I saw your latest, I meant to ask - might he be needing these nights off at short notice in order to drink?

the suicidal thing is a tad worrying.

what does he want from you. No wonder you feel controlling you can't win can you

he won't take responsibility.

when he kept saying i should just make all the decisions i told him that i couldn't because it wasn't fair to either of us. really upset, his phone's off and i'm worried. i know he'll be fine because he's done this before but i can't help it and i DO feel responsible, he blames me for him feeling like this, he says i've worn him down with my insecurity.

ageinggrace, i don't know. if i get anxious about him going out he gets really angry with me. i try so hard not to but it's such a horrible feeling. i really hope it isn't.

i just want him to be part of our little family. i just want us to be normal. i've lived on my own for most of DS's life, it's been so hard. i want to share it all with him. but i can't (and more importantly, i think!) don't want to make him do it, i want him to want it too. i feel crap. if he doesn't turn up tonight then i guess this is it over. DS is going to be gutted. i'm such a shit mum. just feel so crap, it's my fault.

I understand how hard you want to a 'normal' family, candle. I don't think it's possible with him, though: he's not 'normal'.

You really deserve better than this, and so does DS. Meanwhile, you & DS are a normal family! It'd be so much better for you to concentrate on keeping your little family safe & happy, then see if anyone happens along to enhance your lives - not add stress to them.

feel so rubbish. want to see him just want it to be sorted out. :(

"him saying that i need to just "tell him waht to do" so that he doesn't upset me "

Yep, you're being a controlling... person and he's stepping round you.

Me? I'd tell him to run...

See what you mean, OMC

I predict this couple will be together for a long time: Him telling her to tell him what do do, her telling him to decide what he wants, him throwing despair fits, her abjectly begging him to tell her what he wants, him telling her to tell him what she wants ...
argh.

OMC, that's not fair though. he's done lots to merit me being bothered by the things he does.

thanks to the PPs who seemed to understand.