Is it him or me?

[1newmummy1]

I need help. I have a 4 week old daughter and my husband told me that I do not appreciate the fact that he does a full time job and then comes home and spends time with our dd. He then called me lazy this morning when I didn't instantly spring out of bed the second our dd let out a cry.

Normally he is a warm loving man and we have a good relationship. We had an agreement that he would tend to our dd in the evenings on fri and sat night so I could get a rest and I would look after her for the rest of the time. However since she has been born, he has been celebrating every weekend but one and getting drunk and I refuse to let him look after her when he is drunk.

Yesterday he wanted to go to the pub and I asked him not to as it would mean that he would come home drunk and I would not have a break. I feel so exhausted I can't describe it. He asked me whether it was ok to go in front of family members that were round and I replied saying I'd rather he didn't. When the family members left he went off on one saying how dare I tell him what to do in front of the family. He said he was starting to love me less because I did that and that our relationship was starting to deteriorate.

I am so upset and hurt by his words that I cried myself to sleep and cannot face getting out of bed today. In addition I had huge trouble breastfeeding and was racked with guilt when I put our dd on formula. He just came in now and said he had spoken to his mum who could take care of our dd at night as she was now on formula. I feel exhausted, unappreciated and now no longer required. Am I just reading too much into it all? Am I being pathetic?

He is a nob.

Sounds like he needs to grow up and start helping you out with your baby. Don't feel guilty about BF'ing. I had trouble too and had to use formula it's just one of those things, at least you tried :)

But now your baby is on formula perhaps you could do with a day/night out. Even if it's just going round a friends house for the day and leave DH to look after baby. Might make him realise just how much work is involved looking after a baby and defiantely take up your MIL's offer of looking after baby. It's amazing how much one decent nights sleep makes! :)

You are not being pathetic, he definitely is.
He's not being a supportive husband or father and certainly doesn't behave like a warm and loving man, he's behaving like the very worst kind of selfish git in fact.
Warm and loving men do not do this.

Your DH is a selfish tool who hasn't even tried to adjust to becoming a parent. He sounds really unpleasant too, asking you in front of people if you minded him going out and then having a go at you afterwards for saying - perfectly reasonably - that you would rather he didn't. Did he behave like that before you had your baby?

Just because your MIL is prepared to look after your DD doesn't mean you have to let her if you're not ready (I still haven't let DS2 stay overnight with GPs and he is 2.2!). Many, many women would not contemplate this at such an early stage, but then many of them would not have such a selfish husband who thinks that looking after his child is any woman's job but not his.

You are not reading too much into this and you are not being pathetic. You need to have a conversation with him. Can he at least take over a night at the weekends? It is not easy having a full time job and returning to a home with a newborn baby, but I would argue that it is easier than being the sole carer of the newborn.

Your DH is being a bullying prick. Have you got any of your own family nearby who can support you?

He's not a warm loving man, get that idea out of your head.

Warm loving men dont make their wives feel guilty they are working to support their family whilst you are at home nuturing his dcs.

I say this typing from bed with my baby beside me and Dh downstairs with the other 3 also cooking dinner.

He leaves for work at 5 tomorrow.

You need a break, nice men realise this. Talk to family?

"He said he was starting to love me less because I did that and that our relationship was starting to deteriorate."

This, in particular, along with everything else that creature apparently called DH is doing is manipulation.

Was he mouthy and unsupportive before you were PG, did you notice a change when you got PG, or is it really now that he has you trapped you are a mother?

Sorry to be so harsh, but this kind of thing happens time and time again.

I would suggest that you stand up and tell him in no uncertain terms that unless he sticks to his pre-baby agreement, and does his fair share of raising his DC that you will be loving him an awful lot less starting right now.

Tell him that you expect HIM to do his share and not shirk it, nor palm it off to your MIL.

I have so been there, it is hell doing it all in the very early days. IF your MIL really has offered to help (and it's not just a way for him to get at you), and you get on with her of course, why not ask her to pop round during the day to give you a hand,/be with the LO while you catch up on sleep.

It is NOT acceptable for him to go on the piss at every opportunity when his DW is alone with a 4wk old.

He is being an arse, and you need to be brave and nip this in the bud.