Year 5 friendship issues - I don't see how I can 'make' my DD play with someone

[sandyballs]

DD (nearly 10) has been friends with G since reception. D has always been a bit obsessive with DD and I have gone out of my way to encourage other friendships as well as G.

Me and DH are very friendly with G's parents which I think is part of the reason why DD's frendship with G has lasted. They are very very different kids and DD has gradually grown out of G for want of a better word . She has other friends at school who she has grown very close to and with whom she has more in common and G's mum has been talking to me about it, she feels hurt that DD is doing this.

I have read lots of posts on here about girls of this age and their friendships and I don't want DD to be unkind to G or hurt her feelings but on the other hand I don't think I should 'push' DD into playing with G if that isn't what she wants. I've told G's mum that she should be encouraging a wider friendship group herself and not to let G depend on DD so much.

In 18 months they will be in a massive secondary school and won't even see each other, so G does need to be able to make different friends.

Am i a heartless cow, I'm trying to put the boot on the other foot so to speak and see it from G's side and her mum's but my DD is suffering with this intense relationship.

Ignore the D in the first para - should be G. Just to confuse you!!

I posted on this about a year ago and I find it depressing that nothing has changed. I purposely haven't invited G over this half term and feel mean about that! But I feel I need to cool it a bit, and hope this doesn't affect my friendship with the mum!

I like the mum swallow, we get on very well, although she can be a bit intense to be perfectly honset

Can your daughter include G in her new circle of friends? Surely it doesn't need to be G or CIRCLE-OF-FRIENDS.
You say that they are very very different kids, can you explain?
It will do your daughter a world of good to learn to be friends with all types of people, even those who are different to her.

She has tried to include her in this new group Mojo but either the new group are reluctant, don't know why, or G gets the hump and doesn't want to join them, just wants DD exclusively.

I agree that she should be friends with all sorts of people, thinking about my own close friends we are all very different. I don't think I worded that particularly well above. They have very different interests now, G is very young for her age.

I noticed this with some girls of my eldest D's year at primary. By years 5 and 6 some are very old for their years, some very young and some in the middle. It seemed to me that the young ones played with each other, and the groups all seemed quite fluid. However what is really going on can only be known by observation of the playground, something you can't assume that teachers really have time to do.

Ideally G's mum would talk to a teacher and express concern over G's friendship issues, and someone would observe her a bit; then help if needed. I had to do this for my DD, because no-one had noticed that she didn't play with anyone, just sat in a corner on her own and read (after I mentioned it a student teacher went out to observe and noticed that D really didn't play with anyone). You could ask if someone could observe and just let you know that your daughter and her new group aren't being mean to G. But really other than encouraging your daughter to be kind there is not that much you can do.

Hi sandy
You and your DD sound like nice people that others would want to be friends with.

I had the same issue with my DD1. She had a little friend at nursery whose mum was my friend. We supported each other through awful times, ill children, serious operations etc. But her DD was a manipulative bully and my DD didnt want to play with her, invite her to parties etc. Up to about 5 I could insist but since then I have had to accept gracefully that her friendships are her own to manage.

Now they are at the same Uni and ironically are the only kids from the town who have gone there. They never meet up. Whereas the mum and I are closer than ever, go away on holiday together and celebrate birthdays and sorrows. Friends for life!

You just have to accept your DDs wishes, I think. And apologise to your friend that it is not what you want.

Yes, LittleHouse is right - talk with the mum about how you feel sad that they are growing apart, about what interests your DD has, that she doesn't dislike G, but feels that she now has more in common with the other girls and is trying to include G.

Encourage the other mum to go into school and talk with the teacher about how the school could support G with her friendships too.

No of course you can't force it and do mention it to G's mum . However I would ask your dd to at least try to include G in her group activiities and make sure she isn't left on her own at pe etc. Girls do fall in and out so it may eb another girl becomes more friendly in time. dd, same age, is the one being left out atm. She's friendly but not socially sophisticated, doesn't "fit" easily with similar interest groups (those into music, sport etc) and hasn't yet grasped the concept of casual two-faced comments and girls going off in pairs for "private chats" leaving her alone , which she takes very personally. Have similarly highlighted it to her teacher who has started more friendship activities but yet to see much progress. She does stuff otuside school but obviously that is where the majority of her time is spent.

I don't think it'something you should force either...I well remember t the same age I grew out of my oldest friends and made new ones...it was so upsetting at the time as you do have a sene of loyalty to your old frends.

I would explain to DD tough that it is good to maintain old friendships and not put all your eggs in one basket as it were.

Chances are that once they all hit secondary the new friends will make yet more new friends..and thngs will change again. It might be nice to have the comfort of an old mate for weekends.

I can still remember the pain of being "dumped" by my hitherto best friend in year 5. She grew up very quickly whereas I remained very immature. Looking back I can see why it happened and it would have been unnatural to engineer a friendship that wasn't natural.

I ended up making a new best friend who, 20 years later, I am still in touch with and consider my most cherished friend, despite the fact she lives in London.

In short, you can't force the girls to be friends and nature will take its course.

It's such a shame but I do think you'll have to let it take its course. I'm the same as cumbria. I still think of my ex best friend as the most important part of my infant schooling.

I think you need to stop stressing.

It's G's mum who has the problem with her daughter being "rejected" and she has now made this your problem.

It can be sad for parents to see the kids' friendships peter out, especially if they are friends with the other parent, but it happens all the time.

My DCs are now adults, so I have had years of this and believe me, things change all the time. When they get to secondary school you may then be faced with the "unsuitable" friends scenario - so save your energy for bigger battles.

I'd try to reamin on friendly terms with her mum if you want to, but just be casual about the girls to her and say things along the lines of "Oh kids are so fickle. at their age..."