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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My husband become violent 3 months after I gave birth to our son

52 replies

NinaWi · 20/02/2011 01:09

Hi Mums,
I gave birth to my first (and only) child at the age of 35. At that time my husband was 42 years old. This is first marriage and first child for both of us. We have been married for 2 years before we both decided that we would like to have a baby. When I was 4 months pregnant we both decided to share this wonderful news with my mother in law. I was hoping that the news about my pregnancy will cheer her up but she become visibly upset as soon as we told her about it. In fact my husband seemed to be frightened to tell her that I am pregnant and at the end of the evening I had to break the ice. Since that day my husband started ignoring me and criticizing the way I looked and become verbally abusive towards me and when I was 37 weeks pregnant his mother did the same telling me that my stomach is enormous and that I look obese and that my ?enormous? appetite will harm the baby. I gave birth to my son 5 months ago and I can tell you that I am 5.6 feet tall and I am wearing dress size 12 at the moment.
After I brought our baby son from the hospital my mother in law started coming to our house on daily base and she would always bring her dog with her who was visibly jealous of the baby. I was tolerating everything until one day dog has actually attacked my baby and almost beaten his head. I have asked my mother in law to live her dog at home but she replied that the dog means everything to her and that she will never again come to my house if her dog is not allowed in. And this is where my drama started. She complained to my husband and he couldn?t cope to see his mother upset. Then she phoned my GP to say that I must be suffering from PND and although I didn?t feel depressed I whent for the appointment and was reassured that everything is OK with my mental health. Mother in law wasn?t happy with this and she insisted that my husband make another appointment with another GP to check me for PND. After attending second appointment together with my husband we were told that I am not depressed and that we have relationship problems and need to go for counselling. We had 2 sessions with marriage counsellor before my husband was told that his attachment to his mother is ?too intense? and that he need to book separate appointment for himself. This was very upsetting for him and he decided to stop going for counselling all together.
His mother continued steering up and telling him that i am ?out of control? and after 3 months of constant arguments my husband become violent towards me in front of our baby and he was arrested by police. His solicitor managed to get him out and he only received verbal warning. I was bruised all over my body and couldn?t understand how he was let out unpunished. I applied for divorce soon after this happend but as soon as he was served with divorce letter he become even more violent and he was arrested for the second time. This time he was realised only with written warning.
I was very much frightened for my and my baby?s safety so I had applied for Non Molestation and Occupation Order. The Emergency Injunction was granted for a period of 1 month and next week we will have second hearing when my husband will be given chance to defend himself or the order will be extended . Although I have reported violence to the Police on 2 occasions and I also have pictures of the injures that I have suffered i am still very much worried if I will be able to convince the Judge that my husband is a dangerous man. He is a wealthy man and can afford the best solicitor and probably pay for the witnesses if necessary.
Does anyone have good advice how prove Domestic Violence ? I had enjoyed 2 wonderful years of our marriage and was able to establish satisfactory relationship with my mother in law.
I would like to understand why did it all change when I got pregnant?
Sorry for making you read such a long story...
Thanks,
Nina

OP posts:
Tortoiseonthehalfshell · 24/02/2011 03:58

I am sickened that this man has been allowed to walk free and keep beating you up with nothing but warnings, Nina. You poor thing. You sound very brave and very determined.

I hope things went alright.

thumbwitch · 24/02/2011 04:12

In answer to your question, I would say that your MIL and husband still have a very infantile relationship (on his part) and while you yourself did nothing to disturb this, your baby did. Especially with the baby also being a boy. Suddenly your husband is not the juvenile in the family any longer - he feels as though your son has actually taken his role!

Very unhealthy situation, glad you've seen it for what it is and are getting out ASAP. Hope the judge made the right decision for you and your are getting help from Womens' Aid etc.

mathanxiety · 25/02/2011 18:52

Wondering if things are ok?

mathanxiety · 28/02/2011 19:37

bump

ScarlettWalking · 28/02/2011 19:41

Hope you are OK. So sorry you are going through this.

It is apparently very common for Domestic violence to occur during pregnancy.

Good luck

Original poster
NinaWi · 01/03/2011 22:37

Hi Mums,
Just to update you that today I had second Court hearing and it was decided to extend Injunction to my husband for another 6 months.
Regarding child contact it was agreed that father should see baby 3 hours Every Saturday and Sunday but only in public places (in particular ? local play centres).
My husband is not happy with this so he has now filed application for full custody. He is claiming that i am ?mentally unstable and dangerous for baby?. Next hearing is on the 29 March and Cafcass will be involved. I have got letter from the Social worker stating that I am good , responsible and mentally stable mother.
Does anyone have any experience with Cafcass ?

OP posts:
StewieGriffinsMom · 01/03/2011 22:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheSleepFairy · 01/03/2011 22:44

No experience nina but I just wanted to tell you to stay strong.

Don't let him bully you, you can do this.

Keep in contact with ss.

Are you in Essex? I know a great charity based org that coould help you with support & form filling etc.

VivaLeBeaver · 01/03/2011 22:45

Nina,

It really sounds like you have the people on your side that you need - the social worker who has no concerns, the GP who says you're not depressed, the police who will have records of the incidents.

CAFCASS are there to advise the court on what's in the child's best interest. I would seriously doubt that they would say your son's best interest is to go and live with your ex.

Try not to worry about him saying you're mentally unstable, etc. This is classic domestic abuse behaviour and the courts/social workers will be very aware of this.

I hope you have good real life support from family and friends. Does your Health Visitor know what's happening - I'd have thought they could maybe provide some sort of aupportive statement saying that they have no concerns about you.

KickArseQueen · 02/03/2011 01:56

Hi Nina, I'm glad you came back, I'm sorry its taken me so long to! There is a lot of good advice on here. These ladies know what they are talking about. Hope you are ok.

ScarlettWalking · 02/03/2011 09:16

Good luck Nina I really hope someone else can come along to give you more practical advise

Heroine · 02/03/2011 09:30

God this is awful. It sounded to me that his MIL is bloody crazy - and perhaps set her some up to believe that your pregnancy was some deliberate attempt to trap him (i.e. in reality she saw it a a political step to keep him away from her) I hate to say it but this sounds like a guy who needs his parents to die before he can become properly adult. It is amazing to me that he can't see how bad his behaviour is, no matter whether he feels justified in it or not - that leads me to suspect he has real problems that you are doing 100% the right thing in addressing head on.

You got an injuction which is excellent - his wealth will only count so far - the law is the law and transgressions cannot be fully overcome by money.

That said this is still an awful situation and I really feel for you, it really must be a terrible blow to be completely overturned by all this.

The MIL needs to be barred from the house, and from relations with her son in no uncertain terms - she is crazy and its tough, but she cannot be allowed to interfere with your or his life in this way. He needs to realise this anyway for his own state of mind irrespective of whether this event or another is the lever that allows him to do it. That part isn't your problem, but you can cling on to that knowledge that you being tough may halp him to sort out that poisonous relationship, so please try to continue for both your sakes.

snowcake · 02/03/2011 09:49

Nina, very happy to hear that the court respected your wishes and that it went well for you.

Please do not worry about the next court dates, it sounds like you have ample support from the system and your ex H will not be successful in taking your son away from you.

I would also advise you mention the incident with the dog and your MIL and get a ban slapped on her so that the crazy bitch can't hurt your baby!!

boxingHelena · 02/03/2011 10:44

Hi Nina glad to read you are ok.
Just one thought. Did you get a solicitor from an experienced firm?
I found it a bit strange that with all what happened your non molestation order was not extended to the maximum time of 1 year
on the basis of the evidence you have got.
If you want I can pm the lawyers I used. (they have got a great website if you wish to check them out) or even get the 30 min free consultation for a second opinion

boxingHelena · 02/03/2011 10:45

snowcake said "I would also advise you mention the incident with the dog and your MIL and get a ban slapped on her so that the crazy bitch can't hurt your baby!!"

I agree, that sounds so intimidating

cestlavielife · 02/03/2011 10:51

nina well done for getting this far.

CAFCASS are social workers reporting to the court - do make sure they ahve all the reports from any other social workers invovled - dont rely on them to talk each other and make doubly sure they have copies of all previous reports and that they share information with and speak to the SW who wrote the letter you refer to.

with cAFCASS it is wholly improtnat you phrase everything in terms of "it is in my child's best interest that..."

"it is in the baby's best interest that...2

"it is best for the baby's welfare and safety that "...eg best is supervised contact etc.

mathanxiety · 02/03/2011 15:24

So good to see you back, and safe.

6 month extension of the injunction + only seeing the baby in public centres = no custody for your H.

They have seen his ilk before and they know what they are dealing with, money or no money. His attempt to gain full custody and present you as unhinged is pathetically predictable. It is also projection -- he knows deep down he is the one with the problem here but he will die with his boots on trying to convince the world that you are the evil and deranged one.

I would be seriously tempted to get an order against the MIL too.

Document absolutely every communication you receive from him (and from her) -- date, time, content of message or conversation, tone of voice.

Please take up BoxingHelena's offer wrt a lawyer.

Dot the Is and cross the Ts with Cafcass. Don't leave anything to chance.

MadamDeathstare · 02/03/2011 15:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

smokingnuns · 02/03/2011 23:24

Yes, great to see you're back and safe Nina Smile

Agree with previous posters that you make sure you collect all evidence and reports yourself to ensure CAFCASS receive them. Also, notes of incidents - time, date, what was said and done if possible - are very potent in any dispute - keep a diary. If you don't have specific times and dates of past incidents, record them anyway.

My ex was also rich and thought he was above the law. He was wrong.

mathanxiety · 06/03/2011 06:39

How are things Nina?

ChaoticAngelofAnarchy · 06/03/2011 13:26

Well done Nina :)

Stay strong and keep posting on here for help and advice. Can I just reiterate for you to contact Women's Aid if you haven't already done so. They will be a good source of help and support.

Giselle99 · 06/03/2011 15:06

This sounds so awful Shock

Hope you're OK Nina. You've been given good advice; I have nothing to add. Do keep us updated.

MazzzaG · 06/03/2011 22:12

Hello Nina only just read your thread but hope ur ok and hope u had good luck in Ur court case. It sounds to me that ur ex husband has issues with his mother and probably he took his anger out on you instead if her? Maybe she was aggressive to him when he was a child or verbally abused by her. The counselling session defifinately triggered something from he's past, the worrying thing is what? She sounds like a control freak and hello baby safely or a bloody dog is she mad? Sorry but I was mad when I read she said that to u. Anyway I think your lucky to get rid of them and move on to a better place it's such a shame he didn't get help and it resulted in violence. Good luck with everything x

trinity1 · 15/08/2011 23:25

Dear all,

I am going through something similar and need some advice. I was in a 6 year relationship with the father of my 2 children, who are now 5 and 4. He was a heavy drinker and was later diagnosed with Bi Polar disorder. He came to both our daughter's 20 week scans drunk out of his head and was repeatedly violent to me, both before, during & after both pregnancies. The drinking continued and he lost 2 jobs due to being drunk at work. There had been numerous occasions where I had to call the police due to the violence and he would leave the house and not come back for days. Our eldest actually saw him punch me.

Eventually I summoned the courage to get him out (I know I should have done it earlier, but if you've ever been in an abusive relationship, you know how hard it is once your self-esteem has been slowly destroyed). In March this year, he was admitted to hospital due to the drinking and bipolar. Whilst there, I obtained a non-molestation order, banning him from entering the house and ordering him to stay 100 metres away, which he has respected. The order runs out in 8 weeks and I'm terrified that if I cannot obtain an extension, he will be allowed to move back in. He has applied to the Council to be rehoused, and is a band A priority need, but I am worried the Order will run out before this happens as it seems to be taking ages to house him. Any advice will be so welcome. Thank you. x

AnyFucker · 15/08/2011 23:30

Sweetheart, this is an old, inactive thread

You will get more replies if you start a new one

Good luck x