My poor daughter is having a hard time due to father leaving us

[OhWesternWind]

Hi - sorry to be on here again - I am getting to be a bit of a regular on this board In brief, ex left us almost four weeks ago now, very suddenly and unexpectedly and with no chance to talk or try to put things right.

At first the children seemed okay and ds age 5 is still fine and doesn't seem to miss his dad at all. But dd age 8 is having a hard time of it.

Ex has been distant and unloving towards the children (and me) for a long time. He became obsessed with his computer and iphone and would rather spend time on them than with me or the children. When the children spoke to him, he wouldn't answer them or would grunt or snap at them for disturbing him. The amount of meaningful interaction between them was minimal. Whenever I would get him to spend time with them eg giving ds his bath, it would end up with ex going on the phone and ignoring the children. I guess what I am trying to say is that basically he put nothing into his relationship with the children and to a large extent there was no relationship there with ds.

With dd unfortunately there was something worse, a negative relationship. Ex had problems with dd right from her being a small toddler, and at the time I thought this was just due to him getting used to being a dad. But it seems like he really can't understand her or get on with her. He belittled her a lot, thought she was a drama queen and ridiculous in her behaviour (I think she's just a normal 8 year old), and several times has ended up hitting her so hard he has made a red mark on her. I can remember this happening at least four times. I told him he had to get help and we had some serious rows about this and it all got better until the next time. He also hit me in the face once in front of my mum and the children as he totally lost it. This was about four and a half years ago and he never did it again.

I tried to keep our relationship going for the sake of the children but with hindsight I think this was wrong. Please don't judge me though because at the time I genuinely thought I was doing the best thing for the children to keep the family together.

Since ex left, dd has been acting up a bit, not in a cheeky way but she keeps saying no-one loves her, she has had a couple of episodes of hitting herself on her body and on her face, and tonight she said she was running away because no-one loved her and she was not a valuable part of the family. I reassure her so much that her brother and I love her and love her and that I will never leave her and that her dad leaving has nothing to do with her, but I really don't know how to deal with this.

She says she is sad about her dad but that she doesn't want him back unless he changes. I've tried to talk to her about this and said that one of the hardest things is to realise that you can't change people to make them what you want, and that it's not likely he will change. She's also happy about him going and says she is still scared of him as he hurts her and he is so much bigger than her. She also says she is feeling very confused and mixed up.

Ex has had very little contact with the children since he left, doesn't phone them to talk to them etc. He has taken them to their clubs a couple of times but doesn't really speak to them. He started off carrying on taking them to school in the mornings but after he had an incident shoving dd up the stairs I had to alter my work hours so I could take them to the childminder instead. He has asked to take them out over half term and the children have said they will go but only if their aunty (his sister) goes too.

What can I do to help my poor daughter get through this mess? I am struggling a lot with my own feelings at this time and don't want to put my own feelings onto her, if you see what I mean. I feel so bad for her and just want to make things right but I don't know what to do.

Thanks for reading, this has got very long!

It really is very very early days still.

I think you are doing the right things, give her lot of cuddles, dont let bad behaviour go unpunished though.. she has to know that you are still Mum, you are still in charge, and as far as you can stick to routine. I think you have to put on a positive attitude for her, chin up and all that, and tell her it will get better and you are not going anywhere.

I think having their Aunt on the half term trip is a good idea given the circumstances.

can't leave you unanswered, i have to go to bed and i would be here FOREVER, with my thoughts. because i know how very very heartbreaking it is to see your child suffering becuause of their daddy.

My dd is 8, and has had 4 yrs of misery from her dad not caring. he left 6 yrs ago.

I can only say to you, this.

You can only be there for her, do what you can. Talk to her, make her feel loved, safe, appreciated and special. In turn do the same for yourself. Let your children see your tears at times, but explain that sadness has to come out. It helps them to see that their sadness is normal and acceptable.

You can't control him, but you can let them know when you agree that he isn't being fair. Just so that they know nothing is their fault.

i will come back tomorrow.

keep your strength.

Hello OWW

Your OP has gone into more detail about the abuse your DD has suffered at your exP's hands and if she is now self-harming, it's time to get some expert help. I've been worrying about her tbh, since an earlier thread of yours .

Have a chat with your GP and see if you can get an urgent referral to children's services, as most health authorities will have a child psychologist whom your daughter can see. I'd also mention what's happening to her class and head-teacher, because she's going to need support from all quarters right now.

I would put some distance between her and your exP for the time being. It doesn't sound as though she particularly wants to see him and her wishes are paramount, not his. At 8 years old, she might not be able to give herself permission to say she doesn't want to see him and is hoping that you, the adult, will take that pressure away from her. Please listen to her and read between the lines here. Protect her at all costs.

You are doing all the right things to reassure her, but she knows deep down that as she wasn't his biological child, he favoured your DS. You need a lot of help with this and you on your own, cannot fight these demons. It will mean feeling some guilt and shame when you tell the helpers what you allowed, but they won't judge you and will admire you for getting appropriate help.

Forgive yourself first of all and recognise that although you made bad decisions, they can't be helped now. Put all your efforts into rebuilding your little girl's esteem and getting her some help.

OP when my DD3 DP left her and DGD1 and DGD2 we suffered a similar heartbreaking situation for DGD2 and she went to counselling which she now 3 years on says helped her through a vety dark time. My DGD1 was 8 years old when her dad left and felt a huge raft of emotions. She became a very angry little girl and counselling really worked for her.

Agree with her having a say in seeing him or not.

I finally after much emotional turmoil form my daughter, told my ex that dd didn't want to see him anymore. My dd was 6 ish then and the relief was immense for her.

I 'thought' I was doing the right thing in making her go to her dads, there's wasn't any physical abuse, but there was emotional abuse, which he didn't see as emotional abuse.

I said she had a choice. She desperately didn't want to have to be in a position to make that choice. She wanted her dad to man up and take responsibility for his parenting. So did I. Yet he didn't.

My main concern was that he would get a court order to see her. The system is unfair, becuase IF he had done and not stuck to it he wouldn't have been penalised. Yet if I had said no actually she has told me she doesn't wish to see you today or whatever, I would have been in the wrong.

My dd saw a counsellor but the counsellor could only do so much.

It is an ongoing despair for dd that her father isn't the father he should be, the onl thing i can do is remain on her side when she cries and misses him. I suggest things to her, I have tried to tell her that he isn't behaving in an acceptable responsible manner and that she deserves 100% from him. I have tried to say well this is what he can offer, maybe that is better than nothing, and we cannot change his attitude. Yet at 8 she is well aware now that he could if he really wanted her in his life.

It hurts her,but she lives with it now. We make our life as fulfilling as we can, she is loved and praised by me. I stay as positive as i can and deal with the tears when they come.

Hi - thank you for your replies. Piratecat I am sorry you and your girl have gone through something similar. It sounds like her feelings are very like my dd's towards her father. She wants a proper father, not him how he is now but him how he could/can be if he was actually bothered.

AnnieLouisa again so sorry your family has been through similar too. The counselling seems to be a good idea and I'll go and see the GP about this as soon as I can.

Squeakytoy - thanks for your advice. You're right, teh last thing I want to do is let him see the children by himself. It is difficult to keep a firm line with the children especially dd as I know how much she is hurting inside but I am trying to keep things normal, maintain our usual boundaries etc as otherwise it would just be more confusing.

WhenWill - thanks very much for your post. I don't know if you have me mixed up with someone else as dd is ex's biological daughter. Both children are his, we were together for 17 years before he left us. That doesn't really alter things though but makes it harder to understand why he has such a bad relationship with dd. I am beating myself up now for how things were in the past but at the time it seemed more important to me to keep the family going as a family. It is so difficult when you are in that situation to see clearly. I am trying all I can to help her feel loved and secure but I feel that I am just not enough in the face of her father's actions over the years and now what she sees as his desertion of us.

Sorry must run as children are around!

Sorry for the mix-up OWW . However, you're right that you're not enough for her at the moment, but that's not your fault at all. She needs some specialist help, that's all. As parents, there are all sorts of things we're ill-equipped to help with. There is no shame in turning to people who can help, so I'm glad you're going to see the GP.

I've often thought your exDP has a problem with females generally though, so that might also explain why he is so unfeeling towards his own DD.

WhenWill - I think you have it spot on in your last sentence. I think ex does have a problem with women generally and it all goes back to his birth mother who gave him up for adoption as a small baby which he has never come to terms with even all this time later. It is a taboo subject and he has never told the children he is adopted. I also think he has a problem with dd as she is very like me both physically and in personality.

Does anyone know, when I go to see the GP do I go by myself or with dd? I am not sure which is the best way to do this.

Thanks all for your help.

Go by yourself first and tell your GP the whole story. Ask for a double appointment, so that you have more time. There will be things that you tell the GP about your P's history of awful behaviour, that your DD shouldn't hear. The stuff you referred to in your other threads, that you forgave.

This will give the GP the insight and context. It is really important that you mention in the first couple of minutes that your DD is self-harming, because that is a red flag about the seriousness of this.

When you get a referral to a child psych, the same will apply - talking to him/her separately, but I think they do this as a matter of course anyway.

OP just to let you know my DGD1 is nearly 11 and now a confident young lady and has a relationship with her DF on her own terms. It helped her to see that he was the one who caused the problerms and she was not to blame for his failings.

I have got an appointment for first thing in the morning to see the GP. Keep your fingers crossed for me!

I think that dd would be better off not seeing dp and tbh I think that is how it will end up pretty soon, either by him not bothering or me putting a stop to it. If she is distressed after Wednesday, then that will be enough for me to call a halt. He will not change his behaviour - we have had endless rows about this over the years and although we have had a lot of promises there has been no action. I don't think he would go after a court order, he just isn't bothered enough about either of them. I actually doubt whether he loves anyone including the children, his parents or his sister as I think there is something wrong with him that means he can't give or show affection. His sister has said exactly the same thing so it is not just me.

Thanks again everyone for replying.