Advice please; sister in law ignoring my new family

[Eclair69]

Advice re dilemma please: sister-in-law has always ignored me (been 30 years since my brother got married to her) I have re-married and have a 1 year old son and new baby due mid -april this year. It maybe the pregnancy hormones but I am incensed by for example the birthday card being signed from my brother only and my brother never bothering to apologise on her behalf when she does not come to family events -such as my lovely step-daughter's 21st birthday or even ringing to say happy birthday to her(who has always lived with us). My husband is no longer bothered by it but I feel that she is taking out her dislike of me on our children. Part of me wants to confront my sister -in law to tell her what I think of her behaviour ( and brother who tends to pretend it's not happening and doesn't talk about it) However my mother has told me on numerous occassions never to bring it up in case I upset my brother. I couldn't care less if I never spoke to or saw her again but hate it that she once in a blue moon condescends to speak to me usually to give a false impression in front of other people. I have not confronted them in the past or caused a scene because I wanted to have a normal relationship with my nephews and be a good role model. But now I think I have just been treated like an idiot/doormat who takes the flak. My logical brain thinks I should minimise contact as much as possible but I think I don't want her to come to see the new baby because she is doing it under duress like last time. She has only seen my son 2 times. It doesn't sit well with me to pretend to be civil now I have children of my own - as I want them to learn to have genuine relationships with people. Just feeling very angry and fed up with the whole situation.

It seems that you dont like her, and she doesnt like you, so honestly.. just dont invite her.

She is your brothers wife.. no blood relation to you, and you dont have any need to maintain a relationship with her especially if you have tried and she wont reciprocate.

Dont fall out with your brother over it, as it doesnt seem personal if she avoids all family meetings.

Honestly, I'm not seeing the problem. A woman you dislike, who probably feels the same way about you, avoids spending time with people she isn't keen on, but either encourages or doesn't hinder her DH from doing so. She's polite and friendly on the rare occasions contact is unavoidable. Honestly, what else do you want her to do? Come to events through gritted teeth while you all fake like you enjoy it? Make out that your kids, who after all aren't any blood relation to her, are essential to her? You have loving relationships with all kinds of people and I think you sound a fab stepmother, so why let it get to you?

I don't mean to sound harsh, but if your brother has married someone who you don't like, but you hardly ever see her and you do see a fair amount of him, where's the problem? I'd be grateful you don't have to see the mare more often, in your shoes. ;)

Thank you everyone for your replies - I guess I was thinking too far ahead for when my kids are older and ask me why Aunty never comes with Uncle or why we don't talk. Also what i should of mentioned is that my side of the family is indian so brothers was an arranged marriage too. My present husband is english so the cultural differences make it very awkward for me as the indian side of the extended families still gossip/stir/bitch and me being the youngest am not supposed to disrespect my elders. Also I find it very hard to ignore things she says to my parents that aren't true eg that I am plotting to get my parents to leave everything to my children not hers. In fact my parents have alread told me that my brother and kids will inherit. Which I bear no malice as my parents paid for my first indian wedding as is traditional and I expect nothing else. Anyway your advice/replies have made me realise how lucky I am to have my separate family life and apppreciate the people who do care about me and my family.

I think that perhaps the cultural difference may be the reason she is so off with you. Is she a very traditional person who cannot hide her disapproval of your life choices? I am not for one moment defending her behaviour but trying throw light on why she may behave as she does.

I think you and your DH should enjoy your life together and find pleasure in your children and family you get on with and not let her behaviour eat a way at you.

Hi annnielouisa - I think you have got it spot on re it eating away at me and from now on I will draw a line under it all and enjoy my life with my husband and children. I think some people are just 'programmed' to behave in a certain way and unable to articulate/communicate their reasons as to why so the situation never gets a chance to be resolved.