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Original poster

How do I have sex

19 replies

lovemy2babies · 19/02/2011 21:26

Oh god, can't believe I'm writing this...

2 dc both breastfed, I'm exhausted, only recently are they sleeping through.

My body has never felt the same since having dc and I struggle with my body image.

I have only just really started to want intimacy with Dh, but I don't know how too.

Sounds stupid but I'm really anxious.

We have had sex a few times since baby was born 8 months ago but I have not enjoyed and it was more lay back and think of England type of thing.

It's like I'm losing my vaginity again

Any tips?

OP posts:
Original poster
lovemy2babies · 19/02/2011 21:59

Errr bump
I am extremelly embarrassed over this anyway and no replies is making me want to dig a deep deep hole and then stick my head into it out of shaammmmmeeee for admitting something so personal

Support pleaseseeee

OP posts:
collision · 19/02/2011 22:01

Have a couple of glasses of wine to relax a bit and ask DH what he would like you to do to him or tell him what you want him to do to you.

thisisyesterday · 19/02/2011 22:02

have you talked to your DH about it?
perhaps he can "woo" you one evening? after the kids are in bed
imagine it's your first date again Grin (well, maybe your third or fourth!)

i hate my post-child body too. dp knows not too touch my stomach because i can't bear it... so if you have any issues like that then tell your dh so that it doesn't become an issue once you're in the middle of it.

winnybella · 19/02/2011 22:04

I think the easiest thing to do would be you initiating it and perhaps just giving him a blow job, for example. Paradoxically, you being 'in control' might make you feel more relaxed about it.

sillyme · 19/02/2011 22:06

IMO stop trying, relax, give yourself time, talk even... you never know dh may be feeling under pressure and need intimacy rather than going all the way to sex. It can be a difficult time.

Otherwise relax relax relax and take it slowly even if it means baby disturbs you and it doesn't actually happen most times because you run out of the spare time available, there is no need to rush into these things.

marriednotdead · 19/02/2011 22:11

Don't try to force it too much, you need to relax or it will become painful in more ways than one.

I agree, talk it through and let him know how you're feeling if you can.

If you're uncomfortable with how you look, maybe a satin chemise or babydoll type thing would help you feel less exposed?- your DH might appreciate it too Wink

Original poster
lovemy2babies · 19/02/2011 22:16

Thanks for replies, I had was getting a little paranoid that I was invisible (I'm sitting in bed in dark)

I don't want to drink as recently don't enjoy it and don't think it would make me relax.

I hav no idea what I like anymore, and the thought if giving a bj is very scary and puts me off doing anything at all.

thisisyest I am the same hate my tummy. Ni have asked Dh to romance me but he doesn't get it. I would love the whole first date thing again, building up chemistry and explosive first kiss.

but he says he is to tired and stressed with work but I also know he'd live some sex.
Too me it feels like he wants sex with minimum effort and I really resent that.

I feel that without romance and intimacy like m really old and lifeless.
I'm only bloomin 30!

OP posts:
winnybella · 19/02/2011 22:19

Yes, but you should be both putting some effort in it- you shouldn't just be waiting for him to 'romance' you.

Sorry if suggestion of bj scared you, I only meant that perhaps you could ease yourself back into your sex life as opposed to doing the whole thing right away iyswim.

Re: physical imperfections- men don't care. They really don't.

shandybass · 19/02/2011 22:19

What is bothering you particularly? Is it your body issues, time, pain?
After my first I had a lot of discomfort during sex and it really put me off. I even thought something had happened down there. We took it really slowly and used a lot of lube and kept the lights pretty dim! It took a long time but we got there in the end.

After dc2 I didn't have the same experience at all so I guess it just depends.

Good luck.

fluffles · 19/02/2011 22:20

snuggling and caressing is the key for me.. but dh prefers different sofas followed by instant sex with little build-up... hmm..

ginmakesitallok · 19/02/2011 22:27

Don't think about it too much, don't over anlayse things. Maybe you both need some time first to see yourselves as partners rather than just mum and dad for a while?

Original poster
lovemy2babies · 19/02/2011 22:31

winny your right I need to out effort in too but I don't know how, apart from grabbing his dick (sorry)
This sounds stupid but I physically don't know what to do.
Just lay there with my legs open?

It all feels so crude and invasive.

I used enjoy sex and intimacy before know I feel so lonely and I want some connection but it all feels crude.

OP posts:
Original poster
lovemy2babies · 19/02/2011 22:34

gin that's what I want to do with him go out on dates and romance each other and have a laugh but he doesn't see it necessary.
He tells me he loves me and trys to make me happy by encouraging me to do things that make me happy so I know he cares.
But he gets a bit dense in the area of keeping things alive for some reason.

OP posts:
ginmakesitallok · 19/02/2011 22:36

Don't do it for a reason - just do it! Arrange a babysitter, book a nice restaurant and jsut go out!

Original poster
lovemy2babies · 19/02/2011 22:40

But then I know the only reason we are out for dinner is so we go home and have sex and I will clam up and it will be horrible.

OP posts:
thisisyesterday · 19/02/2011 22:44

can you get a baby sitter and go out for an evening?

or if not then arrange a night out at home- nice food, low lighting, bit of wine (even if you only have half a glass), and just talk... spending nice time together really helps I find

it's so easy to just get lost in the daily grind and want to just go to bed to sleep and lose track of why you're together in the first place.

thisisyesterday · 19/02/2011 22:46

but it doesn't have to mean sex. it can mean just getting some time alone together without having to think about children and work and housework etc

you don't hqave to do anything when you get home... but you might find you want to!

TDada · 19/02/2011 23:01

Hopefully your DH appreciates that you would really like to regain intimacy and is therefore patient/makes effort to be sensitive.

winnybella · 19/02/2011 23:04

I would talk to him, explain how you feel and say that you want to take it slowly- caressing, kissing...slowly-perhaps over days- progressing to more heavy stuff iyswim. That way you will not feel pressured to perform/ go all the way etc.

If he agrees to do it, you may find it's a lot of fun.

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