WWYD - keep a friend or cut contact

[ModreB]

I have a good friend that I have known for about 10 years. I have always known that she has issues, and over the last 18 months things have got worse. We are part of a circle of friends, about 10 in total, and we meet up about once a month for a meal and a girls night out.

When we go out as a group, she invariably gets stinking drunk, to the point of falling over, argumentative, and at times violent. She has never been violent with me, but has with others. I am usually the one who has to "mop her up" at the end of the night, and TBH I am fed up of it.

I know that there is a degree of violence within her home, I have seen her with black eyes and bruises, often after we have been on a night out, and I truly do think that she is instigating violence with her DH, rather than the other way around. I have also seen him with bruises as well, and from what her DC's have said, when drunk she physically attacks him, he defends himself etc etc.

2 of her DC's are adult, and live away, but her youngest is the same age as my youngest DC, and before the situation got so bad we used to have sleepovers each way. I have now stopped my DC staying over at her home, which has caused some questions from my DC, but I am not putting my DC in a position where he might witness this.

We had a social event yesterday, which she was also a guest at, and I arrived quite late on. She was steaming by the time I got, there, argumentative, and an embarrasment. My family and I left after a short time, mainly because of the fact that I was not prepared to let DC3 see her in that state. We also made sure that her DC went home with another family member, as we were afraid that she would kick off.

I have tried several times to talk to her about this, she denies that she has a problem, denies that she drinks too much, denies that there is any violence at home despite the black eyes and bruises, and has alienated nearly everyone around her, including her family.

Whilst I want to just walk away, at the same time I do feel that she needs support, and when sober she would do anything for anyone. She just turns into a monster when she has a drink.

BTW - She is not a kid, we are both in our 40's. I have also tried to speak to her DH, and he says that she has a problem but that he loves her. He also said that he doesn't know why I am still her friend.

Sounds like she has an alcohol problem - not admitting it, classic sign of alcoholism.

There is nothing you can do for this woman till she wants to do something herself.

I think the best thing you could do for her is say 'I can't continue the friendship until you confront your alcohol problem' and try to stay in touch with her younger dc, if only to offer him/her a bed for the night when she is kicking off.

Can you say anything to her dh?

You sound a bit like a codependant partner to this friend, I would not necessarily cut her out of your life, I would if I were you go and find out why you need to mop up and rescue people and explore that with a therapist.

I have no idea. I would continue to offer friendship to her youngest via your dc though.

Mummie to an extent I agree with you. I do not normally "mop people up", but would not consider leaving a female friend drunk and incapable on a night out.

BUT - I do think that I need to stop feeling responsible for her, and leaving her to it last night was a start.

I think sometimes, stepping away is the first step into making people realise that they have a problem

When they start to be avoided, they know that their behaviour isnt acceptable.