Relationship seems to be in a very fragile state - what do we do?

[BranchingOut]

Hi, I have posted a couple of threads before:

November
December

On both those threads I come back near the end to explain the outcome.

We have had a tricky couple of months. The problem in December was sort-of put on hold just before Christmas and we just about managed to buy gifts for nieces/nephews in the family and roast a chicken, but did not put up a tree or any decorations. It was ok, but miserable compared to the last Christmas we had.

Since then we have been functioning together ok - looking after our son (17m), having general conversations. We have tried to get out several times for dinner etc, which have been quite good. Things have got easier as time has passed.

The main problems are:

No physical affection whatsoever. We lie in bed without touching, don't hug etc. He did once ask me to have sex, soon after the row, but I was almost asleep and couldn't really respond quickly enough so he got annoyed. Since then I have suggested sex on several occasions, tried to kiss him once when we walked home from dinner, asked him if he would like hug in bed etc. I have even explicitly suggested that we have sex to kick start our physical relationship again, so there can be no way he misinterpreted me. Each time he has said no. This is over a period of 6 - 8 weeks.

He doesn't seem loving towards me anymore. Just speaks to me in a neutral kind of way. It hurts me when he speaks so lovingly towards our son but not to me.

He is not willing to go to relationship counselling. I have tried several times to suggest it or point out the benefits.

He says that we are no longer compatible because of my 'feminist beliefs' and says that I am somehow 'fighting him' all the time. I do believe in fairness for women and feel quite passionate about women's issues, but it is really not something that I mention on a day-to-day basis. I look after our son and do household laundry, cooking, general organising etc (we have a cleaner), but we each do our own laundry. This is for several reasons, I hate the idea of anyone else touching my underwear etc, I find it hard to keep on top of laundry, plus I am also very fussy about whites/colours/delicates being washed properly. This is how it has worked for years but has somehow become a symbol of 'my issues'. For what it is worth, I have offered to do the laundry if it is that important to him!

He seems to have an ongoing issue with the fact that I am not presently working. I had a senior post before mat leave but was completely refused flexible working and therefore left. He was completely in agreement about this. My work has a seasonal recruitment pattern and I am planning to go back later this year, but I would also like to develop self employment so have been working quite hard at several business ideas etc in the meantime. However, he doesn't really see this as 'real' work. I think he feels that he gets all the downsides of working yet none of the benefits, whereas I am just 'doing what I like'.

Yesterday he questionned how I could accept being suported by him. Yet, for years I maintained separate finances, never, ever asking for money despite him earning 2 - 2.5 times what I earned and contributing to our household expenses in proportion to my income. Just to be clear, although our outgoings are large, we have a very good sum of money in the bank, a great lifestyle and his earnings would put him in the bracket of 'high earners'. Yet he works with lots of people where both partners are high earners and women tend to return to work fairly promptly (albeit often part time, an opportunity which i did not get). So even though his/our income is good, many of his colleagues are living an even better lifestyle.

It is as if the light has gone out and he can't see the good in me any more. He has described me as unpleasant, argumentative etc. and can't seem to see my good qualities.

Separation has been mentioned, but I don't know if we should set a deadline eg. if things are not better by April then separate?How would this work with the house etc, as we would have to sell up.

At the end of the day, I think we still have a future, but I don't want to be with him if he is just staying for the sake of our son.

Branching- how are you feeling about the advice given? Probably sounds a bit harsh I expect.
Hope you are OK, let us know how you are doing.

Thanks everyone.

I have just gone back and read all three threads from the beginning, reading my own posts almost as if I were a stranger to them. It does not make good reading.

Things came to a bit of a head on Sunday. Another conversation rapidly deteriorated into him saying that I never listened to his views about our son (he had been saying that he thinks he should be put into nursery becuase he is shy - I tried to argue that nursery is not necessarily going to help at 17 months and that 2.5 or 3 is when group settings are of benefit from a developmental point of view). After a bit of discussion then said that he didn't care what I thought. At this point it was so crystal clear what he was feeling that I said that if he really feels like that then maybe it is appropriate for us to separate.

He did get very upset about the idea of separating and talked about how we had both changed and that he didn't feel we were still compatible. He said that he feels he just can't live with me anymore but isn't sure why. At this point I asked him to reconsider relationship counselling and said that surely the embarrassment of going is better than the costs and pain of separation. I then suggested maybe a relationship self-help book, which he seemed slightly more interested in, or maybe waiting another year to see if things improve.

So, it is not good. We are functioning around the house, but he is quite silent/snappy.

My ideas are (in no particular order):

1. a trial separation of 6 weeks
2. I go to Relate by myself and try to persuade him to go by himself.
3. some kind of relationship self-help manual

Has anyone any views on the above?

The other idea is whether we can move into a house converted into two separate flats or still live close together so contact with our son is not a problem. Has anyone done this?

bump

your ideas all sound good OP. why don't you do all three options? they are not mutually exclusive.

All of the above, OP.

How would you have a trial separation? Would he have somewhere to stay for a while?
It sounds like relate, alone, would be a good starting point.
Not sure a self help manual would be as helpful but may get you both "thinking" about your relationship, and him reading it may be an indication of some commitment to the marriage.

You need to protect your self esteem here.

I think that moving into a house of 2 flats sounds like a nightmare. You both need to have some space to pick your lives up.