Nothing I do is good enough for my Mum

[emlu67]

I am the eldest of four and feel my mum has always favoured the others regardless of whatever I try to do. Consequently I grew up with self-esteem issues.

I am the only one with kids and as she used to be a foster mum and really loves children I expected her to dote on them but unfortunately not so.

Prior to having children I had quite a successful career however but with her it pales into insignificance when compared to the jobs my siblings do (one hardly bothers to work at all and lives with his girlfriend's parents, they will never be able to afford their own place)

I have taken her to see my DD at swimming and other classes recently but I can tell from her manner she is not impressed or even enjoying watching and probably thinks I am wasting money on these activities.

Every time I mention something that I, DH or DCs have done it is always compared unfavourably to one of my siblings or even the foster babies from over 25 years ago.

She says my brothers and sister are all good cooks, have lovely houses, great cars, sister is pretty etc etc but has never once made a nice comment about me.

I really don't understand it, we get on OK but she never has a good word to say about me or my family.

I would never prefer one of my children over the other. Has anyone else experienced this?

To answer your OP very directly (as I had a similar issue with my dad)

Nothing has to be good enough for your mum. You're a grown woman and actually, her opinion genuinely does not count.

Have always had it. In my case after much recent trauma have worked out that she has Narcissistic Personality Disorder. And often women with this disorder choose one child to be a scapegoat. I have found this site helpful: www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/

This rings a bit of a bell with me also. I was the youngest of 3 girls and the only one still alive. Middle sister died aged 2 from meningitis and eldest sister aged 42, cancer. My mum had a really difficult relationship with eldest sister and she couldn't do anything to make my mum proud. Sis acted as if she didn't care but I know she did. With me also, I've made a good life for myself despite becoming a mother at 15. Everytime I have changed jobs, booked a holiday, anything at all, mother only finds negatives to discuss. I cannot ever recall my mother telling me I was pretty, good at anything etc etc and I also have self esteem issues although I took counselling and I am a lot better. She now lives with me due to illhealth on her part and she relies on me for everything. She has started to make nice comments but to be honest, it's a little too little, too late. BUT, I have learnt to validate myself and her opinion doesn't count be it negative or positive. I am older though so maybe life will get better for you as maturity continues. I would agree with some of the other posters, as long as you are happy with your life, your mother's opinion shouldn't matter. I can remember feeling as you describe though so I wouldn't underestimate the journey you will need to go through. Good luck!

I know it is difficult and when you have good or baad situations in your life you want to share them with your mum and get the approval or help you need without negatives but I don't think your mum is going to change. I know we all live in hope of changes but deep down we know it probably never will. That's why you need to stop seeking her approval. Don't expect things from her.
As for why she is like this perhaps it is her insecurities being put on to you, maybe she is jealous of your life but always remember its not you with the problem its her. If you are always thinking its you it will affect your confidence and self worth. Its your mums issues not yours. Its so painful when your own mum can't give you the love you want and deserve I know . I sometimes think this woman gave birth to me - the person who is supposed have the strongest bond why would she treat me this way, but its best not to go down that route because it definitely isn't you and causes a lot of pain.. But remember she's got issues not you.

I think one of the saddest things in life is for a mother to become bitter and take this out on her children which I really think your mum is . Its unfulfilled dreams and an unhappy life that she bestows on to you. what's your mums life like? Which brings me to the point follow your dreams and do what you want to do in life.

I think one of the saddest things in life is for a mother to become bitter and take this out on her children which I really think your mum is . Its unfulfilled dreams and an unhappy life that she bestows on to you. what's your mums life like? Which brings me to the point follow your dreams and do what you want to do in life.

Thanks for all your advice and support. She has not done much with her life so there may be some resentment. There are very large age gaps in our family so she has been tied to the house for most of her life but this is her choice and now she has her freedom she finds excuses not to do much.

I suppose I will have to accept that she will never change and stop trying to seek approval all the time but it is difficult.

And for you girls in the same position as me you all sound too nice to be treated this way by your own mother!