Favourite Grandchild

[lemonmousse]

Does anyone else have a MIL who 'prefers' another GC to your own DC's?

My DN (12) has spent almost every day of her life with MIL - as a baby she was dropped at MIL's at 7.00 every morning and collected at 5.30 every evening while SIL and BIL were at work. As she got older it was MIL who took her to nursery and school so I can understand why she has formed such a strong bond with her.

The thing that riles me is that whenever I tell her something about one of my DC's (DS- 18, DD1-12, DD2-10) she ALWAYS counters it with something that DN has done! Mostly just stupid little things mostly although I did have to bite my tongue the day I told her that DS had passed 13 GCSE's and she came back with "Oh that's good - did you know that DN got a rosette last Saturday at horse riding" !!!

When DS was a baby MIL would ask if she could have him for the day but she has NEVER asked if she could have either of my DD's. If I asked her to have them she would always say yes but never off her own bat. If I asked her to have them on say a Saturday afternoon she would agree but then ask DN to come too so 'they can play together'.

A few years ago DH and SIL had a big row about the fact that MIL favoured DN - SIL told MIL and she accused DH of being jealous (erm - hello - yes he was - that's why there was a row!) and things were very strained for a long time.

She sees my DC's for about an hour a week when she calls on her way to see her friend who lives nearby (if the friend lived somewhere else I don't think she would call). My DC's aren't particularly bothered about her visit - if they're upstairs I have to shout them down to come and say hello and they gradually drift away again. This doesn't seem to bother her as she usually just has a cuppa and chats about what DN has been doing lately!

A few weeks ago DN rang her while she was at our house and at the end of the conversation she said "OK sweetheart, bye - love you too". After she'd gone DD1 said to me "Did you hear THAT? She never says that to us!" she was laughing about it but I felt really bad on her behalf.

It's a shame that they don't have a proper 'Grandma' relationship with her as both my parents passed away but it doesn't seem to bother them. They see FIL a bit more and he always makes a big fuss of them and gives them a kiss and a hug before he leaves - but at the same time he too always has alot to say about DN.

DH's attitude is 'let them get on with it' - I know he used to feel hurt by it but after 'the big row' when nothing changed he stopped worrying about it.

DD1 and DN are in the same year at school (but not the same class) but DD1 says she 'can't stand her' and she 'gets on her nerves' which is awful really but I can't say I blame her!

Sorry for the ramble - just felt like telling a bunch of complete strangers my woes!

God yes! My mother is the one at fault in this case, she had interest in my kids when they were babies but once they reached school going age, she lost interest and turned her attention to my sisters kids. My kids can sense it also and dont have much time for her either. Its a pain but i've learned to accept it now.

At least she was keen when they were babies HotIron - although that makes it harder when that attention is withdrawn.

Makes me really determined to treat all my children the same and the GC's when they come along!

I'm a grandmother to two DGC's from same daughter and I can categorically say that I do not have a favourite. I hope this is the case if eldest DD decides to have children also. What I can say is that my mother has favourites. My eldest daughter - first GC - was and still is definitely the "special one". My other daughter has caught up now as she has presented her with a couple of GGC. My late sister's children were not treated as special and now one of them has a child, there is a big difference in the way that my mother treats her. Financially, they all get treated the same but there is no disguising the look on her face when she see's my two! I hope I don't do the same as everyone notices it and it has caused some bad feeling in the family.

My BIL's DD was the apple of PIL eye until we had DS and then the addention was shared well as we lived away DS never had to fight for addention but we now have a problem with PIL treating OUR 2 DC differently we have a DS aged 4 and a DD aged 15 months, before DD arrived whenever PIL came to see us (about once a year as we lived away) they would always make a massive fuss of DS but now we've had DD they make a massive fuss of her and I feel DS has been shunned, they get on SKYPE and always want to talk to DD and say how pretty she is and DS doesn't really get a look in, the other day MIL Skyped us and because DD was in bed having her nap she only stayed on for a few minutes and then said she would call back when DD was awake. It has now got to the point that if DD is awake and PIL skype us DS doesn't really make an effort to talk to them. I have spoken to DH and I think he should have a word. MIL is coming up to see us tomorrow so we shall see how things go.
As for my Mum she doesn't appear interested in any of her 4 grand children.

"The thing that riles me is that whenever I tell her something about one of my DC's she ALWAYS counters it with something that DN has done!"

Yes, OP, know exactly what you mean! My MIL also does a lot of childcare for my SIL and therefore knows my DN much better as a result. She never fails to come up with this type of story about DN, sometimes cutting me off in the process.

And yet claims to give both of them the same things as presents and treat both the same...

It has been detrimental to MIL's relationship with my DD because DN is slightly younger and MIL always tries to apply the same level of care to both of them, things like food, helping them to eat, wearing bibs. My DD is now a very vocal and opinionated 2.5 years old and it's good because she can now say "NO Grandma, I don't WANT/LIKE it!".

The good side to it is that because the PILs spend more time with DN than with my DD, they seem to place real value on their time with DD and I can slip off to read a book/mag or just have some quiet time to myself.

No advice, just wanted to say I know how you feel. I suspect I was my late grandmother's favourite GC because I was an academic high-flyer and gave her lots to boast about to her friends, but I've never asked my sister if that made her feel bad.

textualhealing - I know what you mean when you say 'Financially they all get treated the same' - that was one of the BIG issues in the row with MIL who goes out of her way to buy them all exactly the same at Christmas - every GD gets the same gifts - maybe in different colours if it's clothes for my two - and DN has to wait til we get there on Christmas Day to get hers so we can all see that they get the same. (I think she doth protest too much)

Pity that a few years ago at Christmas when DN complimented on her pretty dress said "Oh Grandma bought it for me" - it was quickly glossed over and the subject changed.

homeinthesun - ah, that's said for your son - maybe they don't realise they're doing it. They probably think it's so cute and funny to see your DD talking on SKYPE when she's still a baby without realising they are leaving DS out. Poor little lamb :(

Pukeymummy - no advice needed - just nice to know that it's not just happening in our family :)

And I was definitely my Grandma's favourite because I was the only GC! :)

We have a similar situation in our family. Not sure it's deliberate on MIL's part but just a natural consequence of her having more contact with our DN because of her relationship with SIL.

My two DS (5 & 2.5) are the eldest GC on DH's side & were fussed over equally by MIL but since DN came along they've taken a backseat. MIL & SIL are very close & see each other most days & MIL has given up work to mind DN whilst SIL works during the day & for her own business in the evenings & weekends. We don't see MIL regularly & only ever when we invite to her visit but when we see her she makes an effort & the boys love seeing her.

We have the constant comparisons (DN & DS2 are at the "same level" -she is 1!), DN got twice as many Christmas presents as both boys & it irritates me that most times MIL visits SIL & DN are in tow as i think it would be nice for them to have time on their own with her but unfortunately that's just the way it is. As with
your family mentioning it would cause nothing but bad feeling & it would probably mean that DS would see less of her.

My mil the same. There is 8 months between my eldest and dn (sil's son).

When they were babies and I would tell her about dd1's latest development I would get a story about dn latest development or funny thing he did or said. Funniest child in living memory.

She told me the other day how proud she is of him as he has is such a lovely, thoughtful child. He is 9 and my dd1 is 8. I was desperate to ask her what she thought of my children. Though doubt she would have an opinion as doesn;t know them well enough

Oooh - it's a common 'ailment' in MILs by the look of things!

At least when our children have kids we'll be on our guard about what we say and how to treat them!

I know how you feel too - i think this is really common.

My MIL has provided full time (even weekends aswell) childcare for the last 12 years to my SIL's 3DC
Everything i ever say, she says 'oh yes SIL used to do it that way, so you should do that' and other such constant 'lessons' on what SIL does. (i do actually really like SIL)
Then i realise that she has been such a slave to SIL's DC for so long, that she just doesn't even realise she is doing it, or know any better, or know that it does my head in!
An example:
Last christmas, i hosted, for both of our families. My 2DC had so many pressies, that they sort of run out of interest, before they had chance to open MIL's.. so we saw her on boxing day and they opened them then. She made a point several times, that i MUST let them open all their presents as and when other relatives / family give them, on the run up to christmas, and the only presents left under the tree on Xmas day, should be the ones, that people who are there have given. Because THAT is what SIL has always done, and that works better!
This is my house, and our christmas, and surely the magic would be taken, if they have presenst on the run up?
I decided i had to try and do christmas how i wanted, she has had her go?!
BUT on the run up to christmas she kept saying ' you are giving them all their presents when they get them this year, aren't you? As they won't have enough time on Xmas day.
I get really angry that she feels she has the right to tell me how to live our lives, and to keep saying that SIL always has the best ideas. I could give a million examples, and sorry i seem to have hijacked the thread!
I find it irritating that 3 DN's are definitely favourites, but my parents more than make up for it.
I just have to switch off everytime i hear 'DN used to do that, and SIL always did this...'
Aaahhhhhhh !!!

I think you hit the nail on the head there with her being a 'slave to SIL's DC's' - I think that's exactly the problem with my MIL.She is more like the parent than the GM as she has physically spent more time with her than SIL and BIL.
I'm talking EVERY day of DN's life - weekdays while they were at work from early morning til early evening - staying over at weekends so they can go out - they all go shopping together on Saturdays (when DN was younger SIL 'couldn't' go shopping with her alone as she would 'play up' - and alternating Sundays at each other's houses for lunch. Not really any available slots for my DC's :(

SBMum - I would stick to your guns over the Christmas pressies - sounds a daft idea to me and takes away the fun of Christmas morning!

Lemonmousse the DN probably "played up" because she had no idea who the people she was with were and as spends so much time with your MIL she probably thinks she's her parent.

SillybillyMummy (the present idea) what a stupid idea surely it takes away the magic of Christmas for the DC, and why would they "run out of time" would they explode if they weren't opened straight away. Stick to what you and YOUR family are happy with.

We had Christmas at PIL house and then went to my Mum's two days later (she was working Christmas day and Boxing Day), My DS opened all his presents on Christmas morning and was happy to get on a play but with DD she took her time and still had some left over well into boxing day then both were ready to do more presents at my mum's house the next day.

Homeinthesun I think you're right about the playing-up thing. My DD plays up for me, and a bit for my DH, as we are her primary carers, but is an angel for my PILs (and everyone else).

My DN plays up for both her parents and my PILs, because she spends so much time with my PILs she sees them as primary carers too.

Sorry to say, but DH and I actually get a bit smug when we see my FIL in particular get frustrated with DN when she does something naughty.

By contrast, he loves spending time with our DD and she is always delightful.

I think its was only because mine were young, that it was all a bit over whelming. I just remember when i was little, there is no way my mum would let us open pressies early, thats what the advent calendar is for!

It is so hard sticking to your guns, when you're are being ganged up with tried and tested proof that their way is better!

homeinthesun that sounds perfect, i wish we could spend time with out parents seperately, but they both want to see GC on Christmas day.

pukeymummy I totally know what you mean about PIL having to discipline the GC. My MIL is totally a primary carer for DN's, and i have even witnessed her smacking the youngest when she's been naughty. I like it that she can 'enjoy' an hour here and there with mine, but have to say it bugs the hell out of me, when she 'disciplines' my DC, because thats the only way she knows how to be a GP (obviously i wouldn't mind, if i wasn't there) - but i just find it really rude for her to tell them off when i am stood there! (does anyone else find that odd?) . Then i realise that she is so used to doing it with DN's.
My mum just spoils them rotten and always has a lovely time.