Living with an alcoholic DH

[happyeverafter]

I don't know where to start really. I've namechanged for this.

I've been married for nearly 15 years and have three dds. During the time we have been married my DH has drunk a lot. In the early days before my DDs, it's fair to say that I didn't see anything particularly wrong with this as I was in my twenties and enjoyed a drink too. However over the years we've had more than our fair share of problems and difficulties, a bereavement and huge debts and a lack of support from my parents in particular.

DH has also been made redundant from a couple of jobs and suffered health problems. The point is his drinking has got worse over the years. He will go through dry phases of no more than three months. He can't have just one drink and then when he is drinking again it quickly increases. We don't keep drink in our house for special occasions, it never lasts. I rarely drink now as my DH has largely put me off it. When he drinks he can sometimes be fun but more often than not he gets verbally abusive and tries to pick an argument. I've now reached the stage when I go up to bed or walk away so as not to be drawn into an argument. A couple of years ago he was violent towards me but was very sorry after and hasn't been since.

I've spoken to my doctor about this and she has been really supportive. She has let me cry in her surgery a few times now. I'm on ADs as a consequence of everything that has happened over the years.

I would like to leave but struggle with it all. It all goes round and round in my head. We jointly rent and my DDs are very close to my DH. When he is sober he's a good father. I would just like him to be sober for good and have tried to persuade him to go to AA but he won't go. I myself have been to Al-anon. I only managed to go once as the times are awkward. I found them helpful up to a point but I think what I really need is practical advice on how to leave and how to do it with the least disruption and upset for my DDs.

you have to accept there will be disruption but that you're doing the right thing for your children and yourself in the long run.

you can also support his recovery (if he decides to accept help) whilst not in an active relationship with him.

while he's drinking he should only be allowed supervised access to the children. you have to be very firm about that so the children don't witness him drunk.

contact your local benefits office as you would be able to claim additional financial support

P.S. It would be fair to say that I believe my DH is depressed and self medicates with alcohol. I've suggested that he goes and sees a doctor and gets some help and perhaps some ADs but he won't do it as he says they would be on his medical records and could jeopordise his career.

Blinks xposted thank you. It's just all so miserable and scary.

happyeverafter

So sorry that you are going through this.

Women's Aid can help you. They will listen to you, you are an individual so they will treat you as such.

They can help with somewhere to live for you or can advise as to what practical help is available.

This is so hard for you, for all of you but you DH will not stop drinking until he WANTS to.

Have you thought about posting on the Brave Babes thread? They may be able to point you in the right direction for help for DH.

Here

Do you have any friends or family that can help with the girls? Maybe to have them so you can go to CAB in peace and spend time talking to someone?

I will try Women's Aid. That could be a good place to start.

Sadly my family live quite far away and don't know the real problem because admitting it to them would really mean my marriage was over. They can be difficult to deal with and I have fallen out with them in the past so a lot of trust has gone.

There may be a friend who I've spoken to before about my DH who may be able to help with the girls.

Sweetheart, what have you got to stay for right now?

Really?

I have little doubt that when DH is sober, he is a wonderful person.

But he's not is he? He drinks too much too often. He abuses alcohol, and in turn, his relationship with you and his children.

I know that this is hard for you. Your life as you knew it, wanted it, is over.

You are no longer happily married. You can't be otherwise you would not have posted on here.

It's understandable that you are scared. Of course you are.

But do you really want to keep going through this? Put the girls through this?

You have to seperate you head from your heart just for a while and do what's best for you ALL whislt you think/figure out a long term plan.

Make that call. Start taking steps to make your home and your life a better place to be.

have you posted before about your husband, OP? the career/medical records concern is familiar...

please try not to see the breakup as a failure. it really is an illness and it's impossible to have a successful relationship with an active alcoholic. its not your fault, or really his fault for that matter... the ball needs to be in his court but ultimately it's up to him to take responsibility for it.

and don't wait for him to make that move or he never will.

i have been in this siuation in the past and didnt end the relationship. i kept thinking that if he would stop drinking everything would be ok. my dh hasnt drunk for nearly 3 years and the relationship is worse than ever.
what i wish i had done whilst he was drinking is get an OCCUPATION ORDER. you can do this for an alcoholic to have them removed from the home, to prevent any damage to the children. you need to find a solicitor that does legal aid. i'm sure womens aid will help you with this.
good luck

It may have been one of my posts that you're thinking of blinks, as I relate so much to what the OP says. My situation is really similar, but I am now taking steps to end our marriage.

Happyeverafter - I feel for you, I really do. I know exactly how it feels in this situation with family far away and I haven't even told mine anything yet. I plan to do this in the next month or so when plans are clearer.

The main thing for me is to try and find someone you can talk to, whether it's your friend or something like Al-anon.

I've realised over the last few years that timing is important. I've kept thinking 'I should've left years ago' but it's only in the last few months I realised that actually it's only now I have the strength and clarity to actually do it.

Speak to someone, you will immediately feel better if you don't feel so alone

Happy,

Womens Aid would be helpful to you if you want to leave.

You are not responsible for him at the end of the day; only your own self and your children. They have seen an awful lot to date between you two and you have also enabled him. If he is not a good husband to you he is certainly not a good father to them. Women often write the "good dad" comment about their man too when they themselves have nothing positive to say about him.

Al-ateen may be helpful to them as well, they need support. Alcoholism does not just affect the alcoholic, its all the people around them as well. Also your children longer term won't thank you for staying with their drunkard dad. They may well feel embarrassed and ashamed by him along with feeling unable to bring friends into their home.

The 3cs re alcoholism:-
You did not cause it
You cannot control it
You cannot cure it (you mentioned AA to him. No).

There are no guarantees here; he may well go onto lose everything and he could still drink. You are still not responsible for him though.

There are often elements of co-dependency within such relationships so you may also want to read "Codependent No More" written by Melodie Davies.

Alcoholism as well thrives on secrecy, you must talk to someone. Al-anon will talk to you on the phone if you cannot get to a meeting.

Thanks for all your helpful posts. I've been really struggling today, tears very near the surface.

I know I've got to make some decisions. I just wish I felt stronger.

you keep hoping that if he stops drinking everything will be okay but the problem is that he hasn't done anything to convincingly show this will happen.

therefore even when he is not drinking a part of you is worried that something will trigger it and he will start again.

if he won't even go to the gp or deal with his depression then the need / urge to self medicate with booze isn't going to go away.

i'm really sorry you find yourself in this situation but you've got to be strong if not for yourself then for your children.

you leaving may or may not be the wakeup call that he needs.

however by staying you are just subconsciously telling him that it's okay to carry on this way.

don't feel weak for feeling weak. anyone would feel like you do. but you are strong and you can do this.

your children will also have learnt an amazing lesson from their mum not to stay in a relationship that is destructive. i wish my parents had taught me that when i was younger instead of one being the emotional punchbag for the other. and guess who still has punchbag tendencies? yes, yours truly.

Sombresober How nice to read that your DH has managed not to drink for nearly 15 years.
It's interesting that your DH drinks a lot of coffee aswell as when my DH isn't drinking he does the same thing. He also has lots of ice lollies and wine gums etc. It must be a sugar thing.

I really don't know what to do. I do still hope for change but I'm running out of patience.

Thank you for giving me some hope x