Finding it difficult to cope with ILs living with us

[readjustingmom]

DD is 7 months old and am returning back to work in 2 weeks. DH is already working overtime to cover the mortgage and expenses. We thought we will have family (who lives in home country) to stay with us to support with childcare. It was a practical choice and its my ILs turn now.

I used to be very happy at the prospective of spending time at DH's home and then later bringing them over here to help us with child care. Hwoever while staying there, DH's parents and their relatives were always complaining about DD being not chubby and healthy. She was perfectly healthy and she was following the graph in her weight. She was just a tiny baby.Their comments seem to affect DH as well and he wanted to start weaning the baby at 5 months too.I was EBF and planning to do for 6 months. Anyways got fed up with all this and started FF. Besides this there's comments like "breastmilk is nothing" and "u got to feed her something solid for her to to put on weight" and more.. Most of DH's family are not very educated and follow traditional ways.

I come from a more educated and modern thinking family. I went to my home as well with DD and although she was tiny no one commented on my choices on taking care of her.Infact they all encouraged me to BF and it felt so good. The treatment I got at my DH's home undermined my confidence in them and I cant stand them anymore. Ours was not a traditional arranged marriage and we got married despite objections from either side.Even worse thing is we are from different places/different faiths/different languages etc. Now I feel I have completely lost hope in my relationship. I feel I would have been much happier if I had married some one from a similar family background as mine..

I constantly keep thinking of separation and divorce. But I dont want to put my DD through all the pain. Also I dont want to deprive her of dad's love. I feel I cannot live like this forever. I also find very distanced from my DH. Maybe this feeling is temporary. I believe I had PND and requested for counselling. Although my GP recommended it, I could not go for it. Any advice from anyone who has gone thru similar situation

How is your husband dealing with this? Is he backing you or them? Do you have any other option apart from having your in-laws move in?

Thanks a lot for posting..He thinks everything is ok and iam being cranky.. I feel that he doesnot think far or deep. He tries to b supportive of me when i go really sad n depressed. He even offered to send his parents bak. But because of my experience with his family, i find it difficult to see anything positive in our relnship. Dhs parents are only here for some more time and then my mom's gona be around to help..

What did attracted you to your dh to begin with?

What excuse did you have to not go to the GP counselling?

Hi Readjustingmom. My daughter is 2 weeks younger than yours and for various reasons I had to go back to work when she was 3 months old. My MIL came to stay from o/s for 3 months to help with childcare... although she didn't question or challenge my methods the very fact of having someone here for that long contributed in a large part to me being diagnosed with mild PND. From a practical sense she was invaluable but for my own sanity it was a nightmare! And we have a good relationship anyway!

As a PP asked, does your H stand up for you? He should tell them that it is hour joint decision on when and how to wean, and that your paediatrician (sounds more authoritative than GP!) says your DD is perfectly healthy and thriving.

My DD is also small. 10th percentile for weight and 25th for height. But I am 5'7 and DH is 6'4 so we would expect her to be bigger (& so would her paed!) I get very sensitive when people say how tiny she is but we recently decided to double her solids intake and introduce another FF (although I work full time her daycare is across the road from my office so I BF her in the morning, she gets FF in the afternoon and we are replacing the 7pm/ pre-bedtime BF with FF.)

You sound comfortable with your approach; you need DH to back you up.

And please, go for the counseling sessions for your PND. I've had 3 of my 6 and they've been fantastic in helping me make sense of things. My DH came to the most recent session and it really opened his eyes; although I've been telling him things he hasn't really been listening (& to be fair, probably vice versa). Having a neutral space to share your feelings and develop some coping strategies will be really useful, I might say invaluable, especially as you are returning to work which adds a whole new layer of stress and guilt!!

Your joint decision. Not hour!!