Can you help me - DH and MIL and trust.

[MarioandLuigi]

Can a marriage survive if you dont trust your DH to look after your children properly. I used to think we could get past it but now I am not so sure.

Its not that I dont trust DH to look after the children, but I dont trust him to not let his DM take them out as she isnt safe. We have agreed to this and he believes that she isnt safe, but then when my back is turned she turns on the waterworks and he lets her take the children out (well, not DS1 as he wont go out with her).

I am supposed to be going away for 5 days in May and I am dreading what might happen when I am away.

I know its not a massive problem compared to some peoples, but its ruining our relationship as I feel like DS is picking her over his family.

it's certainly a big issue. need a bit more info though.. how old are your DCs and why is MIL not safe? is she unwell ? frail? forgetful? abusive?

Sorry

We have three DC's - 10, 4 and 2. DS wont go out with her as she called him sad and stupid last time :(.

She cant handle DS2 (who is autistic), he doesnt like going into enclosed spaces. She tried to take him to her house and he had a meltdown, she couldnt calm him down and she had to call DH who picked DS2 up, but by the time he has DS had puleed chunks of his hair out and bit himself until he bled. DH let her take him again when I was visiting my Dad in hospital, and he ran away from the library and he managed to run onto a very busy road as he was having another meltdown.

She nearly choked DD on a walnut (BLW gone wrong), and the last time she took her out (when I had taken DS to SALT group) she let he go down very high slide by herself, she fell off the end and needed 4 stitches in her head.

Both DS's have a peanut allergy and she believes some crap she read on the internet that you should give them lots of peanuts to make them immune. She calls the epipend they have 'evil'

So I just down think she is safe. She is a terrible driver and by nature a scatty person. But she only has to shed a couple of tears and DH gives in. He agrees with me that she isnt safe, but then agrees with her that I am too controlling (which is true to some extent, I like to be in control and I feel like I cant control her and worry about what my children are doing in her care.

well I dont think I would let anyone try to kill my children with peanuts if they had an alergy to them, so you are not being too controlling over that. And your DS has autism which she doesnt know how to handle, so wouldnt let her take him out either.

Your husband needs to support you and your family decisions and if your Mum wants to take out the children why doesnt he go too? That to me at least is the easy solution and you would rest easy when you are away.

Bloody hell, I would be controlling if my kids had the SEN and allergies that yours do and someone who couldn't take that seriously was being given charge of them. It is not control for the sake of it, it is control to keep them safe and alive!

I would be so, so furious in your position. Your DH should be protecting his children as much as you do, and if that means not allowing his Mum to have charge of them then so be it.
He needs to grow some balls and learn to say no to his mother, end of story.

The problem is is that DH doesnt really want to spend time with her, which is one of the things she uses him to feel guilty.

Well that is his problem, and he as the adult needs to sort that out for himself.
Putting his children in danger because he can't be bothered to spend time with her is totally unacceptable.

Thank you Alibaba - if he could see that it would be the end of our problems. He is a good Dad and a good Husband except where she is concerned.

Your DH needs to stand up to his overbearing mother and grow a pair for his sake as well as yours. Some mothers if given an inch will take a mile and then some more and this is what is happening here. This is about power and control. It is hard for many men to stand up to their Mums (due to a lifetime of conditioning) but stand up to them they must ultimately. His primary loyalty is now to you. His dithering and indecision re her could well cost him his own family in the end. He does not want to spend time with his own mother!!.

BTW I would not consider you controlling, I would consider you a concerned parent.

She clearly has no idea how to look after your children and it should be really telling to your H that she called one of your children "sad" and "stupid" last time. What was all that about, that alone should have been the last straw for him re her. He has agreed that she is not safe so why is he falling for her waterworks (now that is controlling behaviour) all the time?.

You do not mention the FIL; is he still around?.

does your DH know all of this??

she could do some serious harm to your children or put htem in a situation where they could come to serious harm or worse

DS has a nut allergy, my folks take the piriton and epipens with them if they take him out, as do PILs, and check and double check what he can eat etc.... if I thought they would disregard this, I would not let DS out with them and he's 11 and more than capable of checking the food he's eating is safe etc.

your DH has to understand the safety of his children is more important than the crocodile tears and delusions of his mum

if Dh does not want to spend time with her, why is he inflicting her and her lunacy on the DCs who are young and vulnerable?!

Lulu - exactly. It's cowardice and selfishness, at best, and he should be thoroughly ashamed of himself.

Errr, exactly how does your DH think he is going to feel if he lets his mother take his DC and do them damage? She sounds unhinged and very dangerous - he is being utterly irresponsible to hand over 3 young DC to her unsupervised. Irresponsible to the point of criminal neglect - if one of them were to be fatally injured while in her clearly incompetent hands, who would get the blame for it? HIM - for handing them over to someone who shouldn't have the care of small DC! (at least, that's what you should tell him)

my mum once gave DS crunchy nut cornflakes when he was about 3, in error. I think my brother had put the last bit of the crunchy nut flakes in the regular cornflakes box. My mum still occasionally brings this up in a totally mortified fashion... that is the correct response .. not a dismissal that he eneds to eat more nuts. If that had been her reaction, i honestly could not have left DS with her again.

you have to be totally confident in your DCs caregivers, be they a nanny, friend, baby sitter, childminder or family mmeber

being family does not absolve you of any responsibility, you still hvae to PROVE you are able and willing to take good care of the DCS especially if there are any additional or special needs to be taken into account

i am really aghast, OP , that your DH is not getting this

Your DH needs to a. grow a pair and b. stop being so bloody selfish, using his own children to relieve his own guilt at not wanting to see his own mother. He needs to grow up and start putting the safety of his children first.

Is it possible to ask someone in your family to look after the kids when you go away in May? If so then tell your DH that you will be asking them to look after the DC and that you are asking them because you can't trust him to put his children first and keep them safe. It may just shame him into growing a backbone and standing up to his mother, who is, as a pp said, being very controlling by turning the water works.

So she doesn't believe in peanut allergies. She doesn't like the epipens. So not only is she happy to give them food that could kill them, but she is also happy to refuse immediate treatment to them.

Ask your dh how he feels about that.

If your MIL wants to see your children then either you or DH must be with her at all times. No compromises.