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Relationships

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Original poster

Should I be offended? Or am I overeacting?

18 replies

SarahZombie · 17/02/2011 12:46

Hi,

Haven't really posted on here, but I have a problem wiht ym current partner who I have been with for 3 years.

When we first got together and before we lived together I was aware he watched alot of porn, I didn't understand why as we had sex all of the time so I confronted him about it and asked if it was because I wasn't enough - he said he was just lazy and bored and it was something to do. The more he watched it the more self conscious I felt - I explained this to him and he agreed it wasn't appropriate (especially as we were going to move in together)

When we moved in together the agreement was no porn, he asked if we could watch it together and I agreed to try it as long as it didn't tempt him to watch it alone.

Things seemed fine, until 1 day I was cleaning and found a disk stating "Movie 1" in the DVD player - when pressing play I found it was porn.. I tried to give him chance to own upto it but he lied and got really deffensive saying I was being perthetic "its only porn"

The next disk I found was "uni work" safe to say it wasn't uni work and the week after I decided to try and patch things up and get over it - I booked half day at work came home started cooking a lovely meal and got into my sexy underwear. To my surprise he came home early from work with another porno disk - he was shocked I was home, I was shocked he was home I noticed the disk and he claimed it was a DVD for alter and he had finished work early to surprise me, later I suggested we put the DVD on and he has "misplaced it" - to his coat pocket I found, rest of the evening was spent rowing and arguing.

He promised he wouldn't do it again would not disrespect me or hurt me like this again. I said this was the last chance.

A year goes by everything has been fine, we have bought our first home together.
Our sex life has dwindled abit - my new job his stressful one.
I then catch him watching it again, and when I looked through thwe history there are around 900 websites he has visited over the last 3 months, times when I was upstairs waiting for him to come to bed for sex he was downsstairs doing that. When we had been together all weekend except when I was in the shower for 15 mins he had been on it.

I left, he asked me back. I know I love him to pieces - I jsut dont know where to go from here? Help..

I know people say its just porn - but it almost feels like cheating now?

Thanks,
SarahZombie

OP posts:

Cookie26 · 17/02/2011 12:58

I'm sure someone will be along with some great advice soon but all I'd like to say is that I look at porn in the same way as drinking. If you can watch it and it doesn't interfere with your everyday life then I don't see it as a problem. When you start doing it in secret and it compromises your real life relationships then it's an issue.

BooBooGlass · 17/02/2011 13:01

Yuck. It's disrespectful to you and he seems to have a real addiction. He's promised he'd stop and he hasn't, he continues to bring this stuff into the home you share. How many more chances are you willing to give him wen he won't change? He's made his choice. He'd rather have the porn than you.

PrincessCuntofCuntania · 17/02/2011 13:01

It sounds as though he has an addiction.

I'm really sorry. You don't have to put up with this you know. Lots of blokes don't like pornography.

neverlookback · 17/02/2011 13:10

i really feel for you and i would be exactly the same as you, i have had similar situations in my life but not to this extent and they have been bad enough on my self confidence and self exteem, i think you are doing the right thing for yourself, some women dont mind thier man watching morn and just put up with it, but a lot feel the same and you and I, it sounds like he is really into it and prob will never give it up.

not all men are like that so i think maybe you have done the right thing, Keep strong you are not being pathetic x

Original poster

SarahZombie · 17/02/2011 13:29

Thanks for the advice, I really love him and don't understand why he would treatme this way. Maybe this should be the end.. I just dont know how I will cope - lose the house and everything. Hmm x

OP posts:

Original poster

SarahZombie · 17/02/2011 13:31

I don't know if I should suggest therapy for him and give it another go? .. x

OP posts:

TobyLerone · 17/02/2011 13:41

What Cookie26 said. This does sound like an addiction. He's sneaking around and lying about it.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 17/02/2011 13:53

"I don't know if I should suggest therapy for him and give it another go?"

Sarah,

Re the above:-

You will only hurt yourself again if you go down that road.

He would not go likely into therapy as he thinks he does not have a problem. I would also think he has an addiction to porn. It has ruined your relationship.

Do not therefore give this yet another go. He has let you down over this issue and more than once. You still trust him?. No trust = no relationship.

Original poster

SarahZombie · 17/02/2011 14:05

AttilaTheMeerkat Thanks, your right I jst dont understand it and I am struggling to believe I am going to have leave this.

Thank you for you firm advice.. I will keep you updated.
x

OP posts:

yankeelover · 17/02/2011 14:17

I'm afraid by your op it doesn't sound lke he is ever going to stop watching porn. As obviously it's a problem I would just walk away

mayorquimby · 17/02/2011 15:07

Not much to add really.
I think his major mistake was agreeeing to 'no porn' in the first place. It's not something I'd ever agree to but him having agreed to it should have then stuck by his agreement or brought it up with you that he no longer felt that this agreement was reasonable.
As it stands the sneaking around/lying is obviously now damaging yyour relationship.
I suppose the only thing you can do is try and get him to talk about it.

Original poster

SarahZombie · 17/02/2011 15:15

mayorquimby When we talk, we pretty much argue.
He swears he doesn't do it as he doesn't want to lose me, swears it was a mistake that hr got lazy...
But how am I meant to believe he wont again? He had access to porn with me just not without me.

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 17/02/2011 15:21

"He swears he doesn't do it as he doesn't want to lose me, swears it was a mistake that he got lazy..."

Yeah right is my initial response.
He keeps making these "mistakes" though dosen;t he?. This man is in the throes of a long standing addiction to pornography.

No trust = no relationship. Not down to you to try and rescue and or fix this because you can't. He is still not prepared to take any responsibility here, his above words are indicative of that along with showing no real remorse for what he has put you through to date. Its not you, its him.

StuffingGoldBrass · 17/02/2011 15:33

Many people would think it unreasonable that you feel entitled to control what another adult looks at. However, your DP has always had the option of either openly stating his case ie that he will decide for himself what he wants to watch, or of ending the relationship. Sneaking around like this is never a good idea, and your options are either to end the relationship or allow him to watch whatever he wants to watch. Dragging him off to therapy isn;'t going to work when he doesn't think there is anything wrong with him.

OneMoreChap · 17/02/2011 15:39

If porn doesn't bother you, fine.

It does bother you, and you asked him to stop.
he didn't respond - as he might have done - "Well I find x upsetting, will you stop it?". He said he would stop.

He's been unable/unwilling to.

He doesn't recognise it as a problem (cf. alcoholism); he won't talk to you about it - and FFS he keeps getting caught?(if he could hide a present from you he could hide a single DVD, so I wonder is he "trying" to get caught).

He's done it what, 4 times after each time promising this was the last time? You have a long row to hoe, and you can't do it unless he talks to you about it.

mayorquimby · 17/02/2011 18:30

"Many people would think it unreasonable that you feel entitled to control what another adult looks at."

Agree with you completely and hands up I'd be one of them straight up as I said earlier. It's not something I'd accept or accede to for the easy life with a partner. I'd tell them were to go. But as you say yourself,and once again agree completely, he didn't do this he decided to sneak around etc which just gives the issue a different context.

textualhealing · 17/02/2011 19:48

I would/did have a problem when my XH did similar many years ago. It was his hiding it that I think was worse and I also felt insecure and felt he was comparing me both performance wise and body wise to what he was watching. He was very secretative about it and now I look back over the years, it was the secrecacy that I think was more of a problem. Have to say that now I'm older, I don't think it would bother me at all if a P or an H was viewing it as long as everything else in the relationship was OK!

tallwivglasses · 17/02/2011 20:03

To answer your question Sarah, yes you should be offended and no you're not over-reacting. You don't understand why he treats you this way? because he's obsessed and cares little for your self-esteem.

If he's like this now, what will happen if you become pregnant/have young dc?

Get out while you can, be adventurous with your share of the house profits, find someone who prioritises you and leave him to his right hand.

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