Is it me?

[humiliateddotcom]

After a long time in dating wilderness, I took the plunge and started to see a bloke in the Autumn of last year. He is 3 years older, similar situation, single parent, grown up kids, professional job. I really had to force myself to take the plunge. He gave me really good vibes, really fancy you, can't wait to see you again etc. BUT, he was always a bit reticent about arranging future dates. He would keep in contact by phone, text but then would go quiet for a few days, only to contact me again and start it all up again. I got a bit fed up with it after a couple of months and called a halt as I suspected he was on a dating website and to be honest, i didn't know what we were to one another. I didn't mind him keeping his options open but I didn't want to play second fiddle to anyone so I ended by just saying that we didn't have time for one another. Anyway, he acted shocked and said he was confused and would arrange to see me so we could discuss but he didn't contact me. He has since recently been back in contact and really turned up the volume. We met up again and since then, I haven't heard back from him. I'm really starting to think that there is something wrong with me. I've spent half my adult life single and have had two long term relationships. To be honest, I feel really humiliated that I let him back in only to end up feeling like I have something to blame myself for. Any ideas what his problem is? He knows my personality, my looks so why contact me only to effectively drop me like a hot potato. I've created a really settled life for myself and cannot remember the last time I cried but I have over the last few days over a silly, few weeks contact by what seems to be a cold hearted twat. Relationships don't get any easier, the older you get! Why do men do this to us and my biggest question is why did I let him back into my world? Thanks for any feedback - I really would like to learn from this other than by shutting myself away for another few years out of harms/loves way!

I'd suggest writing this man off. He's either a vague wimp who doesn't know what he wants or (more likely) a player who likes to have a pool of women he can choose from when he's bored. To be fair, I doubt he had promised you an exclusive relationship, but at the same time if he was aware that you were keener than him he should have politely made it clear that he wasn't interested in a serious relationship and moved on.

I think it sounds like he has another relationship on the go, or at the very least is keeping his options open on the side.

His behaviour says absolutely nothing about you and everything about his own shortcomings. You let him into your life and communicated with him on a decent, respectful and honest level assuming (as it's normal and healthy to do, since we can't go through life assuming other people are default wankers) that he would treat you with the same courtesy. He didn't because there is something wrong with him, not you.

If there's one thing I've learned since being on this site (and I have learned many, many things on here) it's that a guy being very forward and full-on in the early stages of a relationship is usually (not always, I know) but usually a red flag that he's a charmer and a player. Maybe something to be wise to and look out for in the future.

Nothing about what you've described makes me think there's anything wrong with you.

I'm afraid it's Fuckwititus but on the bright side it's not you.:o

The problem with dating when you are older (this is me too!) that there is a higher % of fuckwits to good guys, cos other women have tended to hold onto the good guys and kicked the FW's to the curb for some other poor woman to waste tears on.

I did meet a good one in the end so there is hope, I think right from the start of that relationship you knew that it was far too much on his terms, sounds like he thought he was a player (also known as Fuckwit!). Put yourself back out there dont be scared of having fun and going on dates but make sure they dont try any of this crap before you get emotionally involved. Let go of the "ah maybe he's ready to get serious" idea, cos if he's not calling you constantly and wanting to be with you lots in the first few weeks of a new relationship it's probably not a keeper.

Big Hugs xx

I knew a bloke like this once. I never did find out what HIS problem was, and I spent far too much of my life trying to analyse it/him/me. He's dead now.

Yes MN is such a useful and enlightening place. I wish it had existed before I got involved with all the nobs and narcy wankers I have known.

IT IS NOT YOU!!!!!!

Trust your instincts. If it doesn't feel right, it probably isn't. From a man's viewpoint, I would however say that you have to be very direct sometimes as some blokes just don't understand what they're doing. I get direct comments from my Mrs regularly - sometimes I am just not aware of what I've done. If you want to find out if it can work, tell him exactly how he's treated you and explain the effect this treatment has on you. Then very firmly resolve to leave it up to him. You'll soon have the answer beacuse if he is a time waster, he won't change his behaviours.

I can guarantee it's nothing to do with you. Good luck.

Bless you all for your comments. The trouble with me is that I don't fall easily. I'm a bit of the long slow burn person and I am by nature very cautious. I also know from a raft of pychometric tests at work that I don't show my feelings at all and although these are pitched at work, I probably am a bit of an ice maiden. We both acknowledged that hurt in past made us both wary and we also agreed that this was nothing at the moment but a friendship with possibilities. It didn't seem so much of a big deal to me last year; I wasn't sure how my feelings would develop, if at all and what has thrown me is him getting back in touch. I'm a bit of an enigma - thoroughly modern, independant, confident woman that won't take the initiative with men! That's probably the only bit of me that is traditional, I expected him to do the running! Good to get a bloke's perspective also so thanks GIVEMESOMESPACE!

Are you sure he is single?

Him, not you

No reason to think not, we openly have been out and seen together. Small town and our sons'know each other from school so I'd be surprised if he was. But, I guess you never know!

Its not you - he is a tosser. Don't waste any more time on him.

He used you and has little respect for you.

I bet, as others have said that he has a full diary for most of his week, and he 'sloted you in'.

You let him in because you believed what he told you and let your guard down. We've all done that so please don't beat yourslef up.

Maybe you are/were at a point in your life where you wanted someone to share it with, and now that you let him in, he's abused your trust and knocked your confidence.

It's not you sweets, it's him, and his loss.

Leave well alone.

Unless you had agreed not to see other people, it doesn't necessarily make him a wicked person if he is seeing other women. It is also possible that he is not actually aware that your feelings have changed (though more likely he is aware of it but thinks that it's not really his problem). I'm afraid a very likely scenario is that someone's doing to him what he;s doing to you, rather like a housebuyer's chain.
Honestly, cut your losses and move on. Plenty more men out there, and even if a nice one takes a while to find, it's better to be happily single than stressing over a tosser.

Hi Stuffing, we hadn't even reached the stage of a declaration of exclusivity. As I mentioned earlier, I respected his right to keep his options open but my confusion and slight humiliation comes from the fact that after getting a knock back from me, he bided his time, got back in touch and started to court my affections again and then ..... nothing. What really was the point? I really have a lot to learn about the opposite sex and my naivity shows as I don't naturally think the worst in people and maybe my usually natural cautious streak was not as strong with him as I did feel he was trustworthy. I remember when we started to see each other, he said to me never to be afraid to say if I was having doubts or something wasn't working. I guess I would have preferred him to follow his own advice as the silent treatment is what is uncomfortable about it all.

Anyway, I think the majority of the advice here fits in with my instinct too although I have learnt more about me than him over these days. Dusting myself off and will put him out of my mind! Thanks again all. I really value this website and all it's members because it really helps to have access to so many opinions and virtual friends! You've all made me feel OK today!

Humiliated - if you have time, read about emotionally unavailable men on baggagereclaim.co.uk It seems to be their modus operandi what he has done. Hope you don't waste any more time thinking about the wanker.

KONCHITA how perceptive of you! I do recognise a few of the descriptions in the passage. AND, that makes me feel less like I've done something wrong! Thanks muchley.