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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Why can't I love him?

14 replies

macdoodle · 17/02/2011 11:28

I have been seperated from my XH for over 4 years (though the financial shenanigans continue). We have 2 DD's age 9 and 3. My XH was a nasty abusive cheating arse.

I started a relationship with a lovely man over 2 years ago. He is an old friend from 20 years ago who I caught up with and we got together. He is generally a good bloke, good job, no kids, though lives miles away and works away. He loves my girls, and would and has done anything for us. He is fab when he's here.

But I'm just not in love with him :( There is no spark, the sex is ok but not amazing. And he annoys me, litle things that are no big deal and shouldnt really but they do.

I have tried to break it off a couple of times, and he always begs for another chance, and because he is so lovely and it is lovely to have someone look after us, do things, care for us etc etc. But this time I have firmly ended it, I have told him I dont love him and that is just not enough to base a relationship on, and it makes both of us unhappy. I feel utterly relieved, he is distraught.

I am sad. Why can't I love this lovely man, who adores me and my children, treats us so well, and would do anything for us, never raises his voice or gets angry.
Is it me? I am a pretty independant, self sufficient person. Is it damage from my XH? Is it just him, he's just not the one??

I've done the right thing, I know that, but I feel its such a shame and a waste. Can love grow, can you force yourself to love someone, I did try, but it wasnt working :(

OP posts:

TotorosOcarina · 17/02/2011 11:31

Its not a waste because both of you will find the right person and be happy. You weren't right for him, however much he says so, because you don't love him. How can loving someone who doesn't love you be right?

Well done for being so brave and doing this.

You have given yourself a chance to find someone who will make you feel complete.

Theres nothing 'wrong' with you, just because he is a decent, lovely bloke doesn't mean you should love him.

OneMoreChap · 17/02/2011 11:39

Feel sorry for him by all means; but you really, truly are doing the right thing for you and for him.

Better he knows now than finds out later. Good luck!

StuffingGoldBrass · 17/02/2011 11:46

You can't love him because he's not right for you. Also, please don't think I am being unkind but when you have had an abusive relationship your boundaries/standards are often really fucked up. It's perfectly all right not to love someone, and a man who keeps pushing and whining and emotionally blackmailing you when you try to leave is not necessarily a 'nice' man. It's very common for a woman who has had a violent abusive partner to have a subsequent relationship with someone who is abusive or at least a crap partner in a different way. SO a woman moves from Mr Very Violent onto Mr Critical or Mr Permanently Unfaithful or Mr Idle Cocklodger because they are not violent therefore they must be 'lovely'.
There are plenty of lovely men, to be sure, but that doesn't mean you have to settle for just-Ok or even just not-violent.

nje3006 · 17/02/2011 12:37

Excellent point by SGB, just b/c he wasn't abusive doesn't mean he's the right man for you.
Have faith in yourself you have made the right call. Doubting yourself after having been in an abusive relationship is common.

TangledScotland · 17/02/2011 12:45

It doesn't matter how lovely he is, he's not for you and you are not being fair to him by not being firm and ending it.

I once had a lovely BF who I met about 6 months after I split with my XH, what a total bitch I was because I felt suffocated by him, in the end I couldn't even stand the way he used a knife and fork

After being down right nasty to him for about 5 months I finally worked up the nerve to end it, it's my eternal shame i didnt do it sooner, I occaisionly hear from him on FB and still feel embarressed about how I behaived 10 years ago!

robberbutton · 17/02/2011 12:49

I always feel like people who say they don't love their partners anymore should try everything they can, for the sale of their families etc, to try and get those feelings back before they give up.

But in your case, those feelings were never there in the first place. I think you have done absolutely the right thing- you are not tied to him, you don't owe him anything except honesty and the opportunity to find someone who will love him in the way you can't. Don't compromise, hold out for someone who you know is 100% right.

robberbutton · 17/02/2011 12:50

I always feel like people who say they don't love their partners anymore should try everything they can, for the sale of their families etc, to try and get those feelings back before they give up.

LeQueen · 17/02/2011 12:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Anniegetyourgun · 17/02/2011 16:29

You can't make yourself love someone, and it does not mean there is something wrong with you. You may feel liking and gratitude to this fellow but that does not mean you are obliged to love him. Frankly the selfish thing to do in this scenario would be to keep the poor bugger hanging on because he is nice and useful to have around. He might tell you he doesn't mind, but how can you respect a man who makes himself into a doormat? And how can you ever hope to love someone you don't respect?

No, it doesn't sound like there's anything wrong with him, but that doesn't mean he's right for you. After two years, if anything was going to grow, surely there'd be some sign of it by now.

I'm always right, aren't I, Mac?

Anniegetyourgun · 17/02/2011 16:38

Whoa, wait, I've just remembered the last thing I saw you post about this guy... he was seeing someone else a mere month ago. How did he get round you over that one?! Unless you had the wrong end of the stick totally, but there didn't seem much room for doubt.

Niceguy2 · 17/02/2011 17:10

Macdoodle. To borrow a phrase from a film i saw, It's because the guy is a moodle.

women like to walk the mooddle, feed the moodle, play with the moodle, but they never do the moodle

Original poster

macdoodle · 17/02/2011 18:22

Annie yes you are right indeed, good memory!
He was continuing to pursue me/asking for another chance/if we could try again, but seeing someone else. Although I wasn't sure anyway, I said I wasnt going to be the OW and he wasn't free to pursue me.
He broke up with her (and I know fior a fact that he did and had no further contact).
I unfortunately then felt bound to give him another chance, so he came down.
And we tried, and he tried and was fine, but no spark, so I ended it very firmly and told him I didn't love him, and that we just didnt have enough for a relationship.
I mean it this time, I won't be going back again, I feel like a weight has been lifted today.

OP posts:

PeterAndreForPM · 17/02/2011 20:23

Good call, mac

You know it is

womblingfree1970 · 17/02/2011 20:34

Just wanted to say.Theres a book called women who love too much.Would highly recommend it.

Because you have been in an abusive relationship you have been in a completely different relationship to what a normal loving relationship should be like.So this new man is boring to you.You are in control and thats not what you are used to.9 times out of 10 an abusive relationship also has that air of excitement of not knowing where you stand and so the sex is usually great.And you have an unusual bond which your brain gets used to and sees as the norm and any loving relationship really is just boring.

think of how many women say he's just to nice .I always go for the bad guys etc.

Anyway not saying this is the case for you but might be or it just could be that he's not right for you.

I'm propbably not explaining it well.but I know that places like womens aid would be able to explain it better.

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