Betrayed

[mumoy]

Really need to sound off. Just found out my DH of ten years is having an affair (he doesn't know I know). I feel so disappointed - actually that is the understatement of the year, I really feel like choking the shit out of him! We have an eight year old DD so I need to stay calm. I am so angry because I really didn't see this coming, how can I have been so stupid??? I thought we had a good marriage and a few months a go I agreed to emigrate to his country of birth (and that of my parents), our DD was looking forward to the move,now that is all in tatters.
I have spent the last ten years trying to be a good wife and for what??? I feel numb and hurt.

hi mumoy! didnt want your post to go unanswered. you need to speak to him ASAP as this will keep festering! i dont have much advice! just wanted to give you my support.

Oh poor you mumoy what is it with people who can't keep it in their pants!

I guess we all need to know how you found out before giving advice on how to aproach him.

It's sounds from what you said you felt your marriage was happy, from that can only guess you have felt loved by DH in this time?

Just going to put this out there, the fact you are moving means he has chosen to move away from OW, this means one of two things, it's just been about sex (I know that makes you want to kill him!) or possibly he sees it as a way of getting out of this affair he is regreting getting into.

I think you have to think long and hard if you could get past this and save your relationship, that can be harder than walking away. I guess what i'm saying is dont rush in hurt to do anything that you may regret.

Will also add when my XH did this to me I ended relationship that day but I was positive that was the right thing and never looked back.

Sending you a hug xx

Does he want to stay or go? Do you want him to stay or go?

What is your situation regarding the home etc, did you sell/release the rent agreement yet, as you were going back to your country of birth?

I'm sorry to hear this.

First things first, you need to tell him that you know.

Slam the proof down in front of him.

in your shoes, I would be stopping the move. At least for now. It's really not something to even think about doing until you've sorted all this out one way or the other.

You are in shock!
I second what Hecate advises.
Take your time, don't make any decisions yet.
How did you find out?

Lately DH has behaving like a total arse which is so not like him - miserable and at times quite rude like he resented me for something and acting all furtive with his phone. At first I began wondering what I had done wrong then realised it couldn't be me so I did the one thing I said I wouldn't do - I looked in his phone and lo and behold the eediot has kept her messages which leave me in no doubt about what has been happening. Infact it has hurt more because he has also kept the jokey, lovey messages I have sent him!!!!!!
The house is not on the market yet (thank God), there is no way I can go now. I am not prepared to move to another country with a man I cannot trust.
I am just raging inside right now. How dare he do this to me? I have always tried hard to make this marriage work and I have given up a lot. Right at this minute I want him gone but I think this is the anger talking,and I also need to consider our DD who thinks the world of him. Do I ruin her life just because her father is an unfaithful shithead?
I feel so betrayed.I am so glad I have you all at Mumsnet to let this all out as I can't tell our friends and family that matter yet until I decide what to do - they would probably want to lynch him, which won't help!

Have you confronted him yet?
You'll need to ask how long it's been going on, does he love her, etc.
Feel for you but it's best you found out.
Please talk to him, your imagination is worse than reality! (usually)
X

You wont ruin your DD's life HE has done that.

You do what you need to from now on for your best interests and your DD's.

Assuming you and your H have been having sex get yourself to an STI clinic too.

Not even condoms are 100% safe /-:

Mumoy, thinking of you, keep strong, please dont think you will be ruining you DD life, you cant stay with someone just for your DD if thats what you want. Children can be very adaptable and would rather have one happy parent than two miserable parents.

Agree with the other person that said it may not be as bad as it looks if your H was planning to moved away from the OW. Thank goodness you found out before this move rather than after! I agree staying put is the best option for now until you decide what you want to do. How long was it going on for, is the OW married ? Do you think its over now or still ongoing? Wishing you strength to get through this x

Thanks for all your advice and support. Confronted DH got the 'dumb how did you find out look'.Ihere was no shouting just calm discussion, The OW is single and it has only being going on for a few weeks. Although he swears it will now end I don't know if I believe him. He hasn't really explained why this has happened. I have asked him to decide what he really wants and I will do the same to see if there is a future for us.
I never thought about STI's I will get myself to a clinic - thanks for that advice.
One thing I have gained from this already is that I have to put me & my DD first.