Is it wrong that I should have fond memories of a time when I was without man or children. Is it wrong that I should get sentimental (to tears) over an old photograph of a now run down building that was once where I shared such happy times with some old friends. Some now more distant than they used to be?
I posted on a photograph on facebook and mentioned feeling nostalgic and sad to see the broken down building considering we once had such good times there.
P followed the comment to the photograph on facebook and left the smart comment saying why don't I and the kids just move back there if I love it so much.
He can't stand the fact that I have a past. He can't stand the fact that I built bridges with some friends I fell out with over time just because he hated them and was the reason for the friendships breaking down in the first place.
He has tried to destroy all my friendships one way or another. Pointing out how full of fault my friends are or how horrible they are. Encouraging me to be paranoid about their behaviour and telling me how much they must not give a toss about me.
He was really nice the last two days because he wanted sex.As soon as he got that he did this today. Then he claimed he didnt start anything. That it was me who started the row because I pulled him up on the comment he made. I have begun to notice this pattern over the years. He will get a few days sex and be nice to me. Then he goes on the attack about something. Usually something so ridiculous I am left reeling as to what way I could have played it any way different. He will call me names like whore and cunt. If I try to rationally speak to him he twists it all back on me or tells me to fuck off anyway and makes me feel the size of a little bug.He will tell me I'm ugly and vicious and a horrible person for "always hurting him" but I can't see how I ever do? I've always been so loyal and faithful. Losing people over being at his side. He can be arrogant and horrible when people get on his wrong side. Worse with me though.
I've asked him to leave he said he won't leave the kids.Why should he have to be the one to he says. I am mentally drained and on the verge of breakdown and I just seem to be going round in circles. I feel like the mouse being played with by the cat. I'm such a fool but I can't seem to get out of this mess.
I know you will say leave him. Easy to say but I actually cannot leave him. Just cannot leave my house.I worked hard for this house and pay for the rent myself. It isn't just stupidity or pride stopping me leaving. I just simply cannot for other reasons, leave the home. He refuses to go.Its another piece of the control he needs to have.
When he is in his Mr Hyde role he is horrible to be around. He won't speak just makes snide remarks. He always has to have the last word.
Recently my guilty outlet has been talking to another guy from my area on the internet.I know him in person a good while although P doesn't know the extent of that. OG thinks I'm gorgeous 
and tells me so often. He knows partly about Ps treatment of me and said it really wasn't on what he does. He is a really nice guy and when I bumped into him on a recent night out we hugged and I didn't want to let go of him. Realised I had feelings for him and I got home that night and cried because of the situation I am in with a man who only loves me when it suits him. I felt so tempted to arrange to meet OG to give P the two fingers. I have been close to this the hate has risen inside me so much. so part of me would hope P would find out and the fallout for my affair would just be enough to make him leave. I have never been unfaithful to anyone in my life and for 7years I have put up with P and his worsening bullshit but I am so so lonely inside. I feel that I can't even speak to my friends or family because if P found out it would be more ripping apart of my character. Also I am the bigger fool that keeps letting his behaviour go by and so he does it again and again and gets away with it. I have realised over the last year or so that he has totally destroyed me inside.I have no backbone.