would you go and visit????

[blushingm]

my mum is an alcoholic and is in intensive care due to kidney and liver failure and inyernal bleeding

i haven't seen her since nov 2001 when i was 9 months pregnant and she was in hospital for similar reasons but not as serious. I spent a week working full time, getting home and then spending the whole evening at the hospital with her. The day she was released my younger brother found her unconcious on the bathroom floor as she'd been drinking again.

Peridoically she would ring me up when drunk to say what an evil horrible selfish daughter i am.

She got barred from all her local pubs, she'd take men home with her and then accuse them of raping her (she did this a number of times)

Now only my brother bothers with her - he has visited her everyday since she was admitted, he's been and cleaned her house as it was a complete state and full of empty bottles.

Now we have been told she will be lucky if she gets well enough to leave hospital - i dont know if i should visit her. I hate her for what she has done and how she treated my brother, my sister and me - we had a difficult childhood as she ws more interested in the bottle than us

but if she dies will i feel guilty for not having visited? Or does she not deserve for me to waste time and effort on her - i will never ever forgive her and I don't want her to think I will. If she was unconcious i would definately go as she wouldn't know i was there

thanks if you've got to the end of this - sorry it's a bit garbled but i just dont know what to do

Only you can decide but your mum is not in control of her drinking. she has a disease and whilst I can only imagine what horrors you have all experienced, it may be worth trying to come to terms with this all while she's still here. You may get some peace yourself and at this late stage, that is all I would want for you - to have peace yourself. It's too late for your mum and she will have her only final thoughts/regrets soon enough.

only = own

I agree with textualhealing

Please go and visit because there will be no other mother for you. I also feel at times I hate mine and she's done things to make me feel that way but if it's like this - so be it. And she still loves you even if you are not open to see that

I think you should go just one time even if it is only to gain closure for yourself,
She may not make it and you may be racked with guilt if you don't go although l can see from your post you have no reason to feel any guilt.

You do not have to forgive your mother and you certainly won't forget but if you are questioning yourself over the visit l would go

Just to add - we all got our crosses to bear - if my mother is an alcoholic I don't feel I am in a position to blame her for wanting to escape reality.
I hope you will find it in you to forgive her one day

Just leading on from Konchita, I don't think you have to forgive her, Blushing. The lives of you and your siblings must have been unbearable and although the condition is now a disease, the weakness within her that led to it, wasn't; she had choices in the beginning. I just think the best you can hope for is you do the right thing, go and say goodbye and if you need to, tell her how you feel. That may be the only honest thing you can do that gives you peace and an end to this. It's not about forgiveness in my book but closing a chapter in your life and leaving the past where it can't hurt you anymore.

Is there any way you could ask the nursing staff if you could go when she's asleep? They will have a pretty good idea of what she's like and if you explain the background, you may well find they'll let you visit at a time when they know she'll be asleep.

But actually I would be trying to help your brother at this point. Your mum may well be beyond help, in all sorts of ways, but your brother must be suffering.

konchita - i can understand what you are trying to say but i cannot forgive her.

We would go without heating so she could drink 4 bottles of wine a night on a weekday and as much as she could swallow on a weekend - my bedroom was so cold i would have ice on the inside and the curtains would blow in the wind as the window didnt fit. I would have to put her to bed when she could no longer walk, i would have to forge her signature on the child benifit book so i could doo some shopping for food. I could never ever treat my children like that and think it was ok. If she cared for us she wouldnt have made us so sad, miserable, hurt, cold, hungry and unloved

textual - i find it so difficult to see alcoholism as a disease - no one forced her to do this - it's a choice she made

i know my brother is finding it hard - he actually lives in the same street as her so never really got to escape like me and my sister did. I think he feels responsible for her - i have told him that he needs me to come i would try to do it for him - and only for him

Alcoholism is a disease albeit self inflicted.

If you go, go for yourself and your brother who could probably do with a bit of support right now.
The past is just that, you can't and should not forget and forgivness is only something you can decide on---l for one could not forgive.
However this is probably, for you, about closure on the past and the ability to face the future guilt free.

To saveguard you future deep breath and go visit

Blushing, I think you have therefore answered your own question. I actually want to cry for you. Our parents are supposed to be there to love and protect us and she has failed you and now you have children of your own, you realise just how strong these natural, maternal extincts are. Agree with ATSWIM - be there for your brother.

extincts = instincts - what is wrong with me tonight!

Blushing, I could tell many horror stories about mine, I remember too well and every betrayal too and sadly I lost my love for her... yes we don't have to forgive but in my case I do feel if not for alcohol she wouldn't be like that and anyway like said I cannot judge her, she lost herself and wasted her life - it's a tragedy really so please try and rise above all that.