Moving in together? Big mistake?

[BillBobsGirl]

Sorry I have had to name change as I don't want partner stumbling across this but I need some advice. My partner and I have been together for almost two years and the subject of moving in together has come up. I currently live in an awful area in a council house so mine would be easy to give up. He rents privately in a decent area so its a no-brainer really if it were to go ahead but I have reservations regarding his parenting. He has a daughter who is almost 13 and she lives with him. We get along fine and have been out many times together but little things wind me up about her. One thing is that when we're out together she insists in walking arm in arm with her dad meaning the two of them walk seperately from me and my DS. She whines all the time which I know is just normal teen behaviour but if it pisses me off now, what would it be like living with her? Also she has her dad wrapped around her finger, what she says goes for instance she has a non-uniform day on Friday so she demanded her dad take her shopping after school for new clothes. She does this EVERY time there is a non-uniform day. If ever me and DP go out together she bombards him with texts and I've noticed he hides them from me (like he'll stand up to answer them so I can't see the screen etc) and if I'm at their house they'll disapear into the bedroom to talk with the door closed etc. Or if me and DP are sat watching TV she will come in and say "will you come and see me upstairs?" and he'll go up. Its all so secretive. He never tells me anything about whats going on with her at school or anything but expects full info on my DS. I've also noticed he'll have a go at DS for stuff that she gets away with. One night we were staying over and he had a go about DS getting too much breafast cereal and wasting it. I said his DD does the same thing, he said she doesn't. Yesterday she DID do the same thing and as I pointed it out he said "yes, but its rare that she does it".
My sister says I would be insane to go ahead with it as its a) obvious that he'll treat the kids differently and b) the different parenting will seperate us anyway. But if I never intend to move in with him, is there any point in being together at all???

There are people out there who do maintain a successful relationship whilst living separately. I have to say that him treating the kids differently would concern me and put me off moving in with him.

I think before you make a decision you need to sit down with him and discuss your concerns.

Well his DD is clearly jealous but as you are the adult it is your job to make her feel at ease and confident that you are not there to take her Dad away from her.

As for your DP that is more difficult, you can't be spatting like a couple of kids about who is wasting more cereal, its time to talk frankly put your cards on the table concerning your worries about how kids will be treated and where you feel the relationship he has with his daughter is letting you down, a lot depends on what he says to how you decide to move forward but you both have to be grown-ups about it.

Hope things work out

I don't think you should move in with him. He will treat your son differently.

Also, I don't think his daughter would want you to move in. I know her dad has a right to his own life, but it is her home, too.

Why not focus on getting yourself another home in a nicer area?

Yes his DD is obviously feeling jealous and insecure so you need to manage that as a couple rather than just pitching up on his doorstep with your DS and hoping it will all work out.

How is your DS about things? It would be a bad idea to move in together now but with some time and effort put towards assimilation there's no reason why it couldn't work in 6 months/a year.

I would address these issues before moving in. You'd need to set some ground rules, and in fact, if you and dp discuss first, give his DD some sense of setting rules as well. E.g. a promise of some 'alone time' with dad. to try to avoid her jealousy. I think one of the rules would need to be transparency and no favouritism though.

A tough decision; I hope you get it right.

Don't do it. I had more or less the same situation and the whole thing was a nightmare from start to finish. It will NOT get better. He WILL favouritise his daughter and he will deny doing so. She will go out of her way to make your life hell. You'll end up hating her. And then you'll feel guilty for having such nasty feelings about a child. You'll regret it soon after you start it. You will argue constantly about it. Please don't do it.

Get yourself a nice house in a nicer area (easier said than done, I know but there is always a way( and if you STILL think it could be a good idea, once you have a nice place of your own. Consider it again but don't move in with HIM, it will never be your home and you will always be the "invader" to his DD.

hi billsbobgirl, i personally wouldnt move in if there's issues that need addressing 1st, if it dosnt work out you and your ds would proberly end up in a hostell, homeless, having given up your council house for this man, im not saying dont ever move in just be 100% sure 1st hun,