I would like to ask the advice of the wise ladies of MN Relationships board on this, especially after some of you helped out (a couple of years ago) on my relationship with my DM. It's been good since.
So, in general, I actually have very little in common with my family (parents and siblings) - seeing them is like going to visit another planet, they're just so different from me, which is fine, I've learnt to accept that, they're not going to change. One half of my family are lovely - they're very sweet, generous, friendly, interested - a joy to be around. As a result, I have a good relationship with them. The other half - not so much. There's a number of issues:
- everything has to be how they want it. If there's any kind of family event/visit, it has to be organised on their terms. They decide the time/location/food everything. One time I thought it would be nice to host a family picnic during the summer, spent ages finding the most convenient and accessible (for everyone) location - they wanted it at a park near their house (which is not convenient for everyone - just them. For me, it actually would have been a huge hassle to go there). Then, I thought to bring and share for food would be nice. No, apparently they were skint and were going to have tesco value plain salted crisps and tesco value cheese on tesco value bread, blah blah blah, they can't possibly share (when, seriously, they aren't skint. Not by any stretch of the imagination). It's this sort of thing all the time. They'll even arrange stuff without consulting anyone concerned, you'll just get an email or phone call saying "you're going to Aunt Esther's house on Thursday evening. Take flowers", never ever asking about whether or not any of this is convenient for you.
- everything is a drama. Everything. They're always in the middle of some crisis, no matter how big or small, so the attention always has to be focused on them
- they're never interested in other people's lives. I have sat through whole evenings of a dualogue (like a monologue, but with the two of them wittering on) about how fabulous they are. How they're the bestest parents. How amazing their house is, how well it's decorated, how they're thinking of getting a new sofa
- they're very jealous of anyone else's success, and rubbish it. The whole tall poppy thing. Not to be big headed, but (despite how I come across on MN) I am actually quite successful in areas of my RL, like in work, romantic relationship (though a lot of other stuff, not so much, but they don't see that). Because of this, I get teased/harassed told off constantly. This tailed off for a year as they got told off by another relative, but it's started popping up again.
Now, my BIL's family are a much more extreme version of this - really, those people have so many issues it's unbelievable and are quite controlling and (for want of a better word) "toxic". So I can understand if you're dealing with that all the time, and that's how you were raised, it seems normal to you. But, BIL and DS got married about 10 years ago, and the family lives in a different country.
I just find it so depressing and tiring. I feel the really lovely people in my family are constantly overshadowed by these tyrants, and that they run the show. I have discussed it with my parents, but their view is "we don't want to cause trouble. Just leave it". I feel there is an element of blackmailing going on, as they control access to their children (for e.g. I was disagreeing with DS on something and she called out to my niece "do you know that Auntie Abs doesn't love you?" my neice was about 4 at the time), which is why my parents don't want to cause trouble. They absolutely adore their DGCs (as do I). I just don't know what to do.
I ignore a lot of their crap, offer help and am generally very nice and calm (if you get upset, they get even worse as they LOVE getting a reaction), but it doesn't actually do anything.
Sorry it's long and rambly. I'm just trying to get my head around it all.