Need advice - severing my own contact with abusive ex while maintaining his contact with DS

[mummery]

Hope this doesn't end up long and verbose. I haven't posted about my son's father in quite some time.

We split when I was pregnant. DS is now 7. Ex has been coming and going throughout the intervening years. He's lived abroad for a 6 month stretch and more recently a 2 yr stretch.

He is a volatile and controlling character. Just before Christmas he stopped talking to me because he thought I had a boyfriend. He flipped out last weekend because I didn't answer my phone one evening (I was watching a film with DS, phone in other room, not that it matters). If I say something he doesn't like he will storm off. He thinks nothing of sending me vile and abusive texts, full of swearing, calling me names. I've kept about twenty of the most recent.

Currently he sees DS for one overnight per week and has him for 2 x 2hr (teatimes) on weekdays. It's hard to do anything else, he works 5 days and lives on the other side of town from DS's school, thus not convenient for midweek overnights in terms of getting him back here in time.

Ex's latest freakout is that I am not 'giving' him enough time with DS. He texted this morning saying he was going to pick DS up at half 4. We already had plans. Ex flips out, I'm the bad guy again. I say it's unreasonable to demand same day contact and expect us not to have plans. More abusive texts come my way.

Anyway, this is a small snippet to illustrate what's been going on for years. He can't seem to talk to me like a normal human being. He clearly despises me and wants to 'punish' me for I guess being DS's primary carer. (FWIW he didn't want this child, he left me when I got pregnant.) However I had always tried to facilitate as much contact as I can for the two of them. DS loves his dad, gets stressed himself (acting out at school among other things) when we are not speaking (we don't shout or argue in front of him but he notices frosty silences, as anyone would). Today, randomly, he's vilifying me for contact arrangements that were mutually agreed and have been in place for six months.

The stress of this is getting to me, it always does really but I know I don't legally have to have contact with this man. How do I manage to do this without threatening my son's relationship with his father? I'd prefer not to see him and have a third party handover. How does this work in practice? Does it have to be arranged by a solicitor or can it be done by an outside agency eg through GP? I'd appreciate any personal experience or advice anyone can share. I guess some of you will reccommend CAB, I have never used them, do you just walk in, or make an appointment?

Also what is the best way to stop him texting me abuse? Is this a police matter? I feel ill every time I go to my phone, I've started leaving it at home as much as I can and I lose serious amounts of sleep over the things he says about me, my character etc. He thinks this is funny and takes the piss.

Ex does not have parental responsibility, name not on birth certificate, don't know if this makes a difference to anything.

Also there's no way I can afford a run of legal fees

Sorry - middle bit unclear. Ex and I have had our arrangement for the last 6 months. He suddenly this morning turned on me over it, saying I'm selfish, 'using' him at my convenience. It's because I go to a sports class on the evenings he has DS. I think the only way he'd be happy is if he saw DS at a time that was thoroughly inconvenient for me. As if that would prove a point?

Sounds like my ex!
In the end I went to court and sorted the contact through there. It also detailed how the arrangements for contact should take place (ie, by email only, and tbc at least 2 days prior to contact) Could have tried for a contact centre, but KNOW ex wouldnt have gone for that - luckily my mum offered to do the supervised, she also now seems to have taken over the arrangement making so that I dont need to have anything to do with him at all.
I would have thought that a solicitor/police would also have words to say about abusive messages, but am guessing here, as surely that is still abuse/intimidation

he doesnt need your number....get a cheap payg phone,he can use that make necessary contact

handovers.....friend or relative? public placeno need to speak to him. could he pick up from school?

court....self rep and a mckenzie friend.....families need fathers can help

lack of parental responsibility,merely a formality if t does go to court. usually its promptly given

PAYG phone is a good idea to start, I don't think that will stop him (mis)using the other number though.

I don't have any family. No suitable friends really, he has relatives I am amiable with. There's no point me trying to sort this out between us though because the same scenario will ensue. Does this mean court is inevitable? Do I ask to go to court? I'm nervous of that avenue because it will get his back up and he will likely demand a massive amount of custody which he doesn't even want and can't manage, out of spite

if papers are served then yes,you will have to go

change your other numbers

try mediation firsr,which youbwill have to do anyway if you get legal aid

thirdparty handover at his family members address

oh,and keep a diary

try mediation even if just to show it doesnt work.

third party handovers wont be aranged by Gp or solicitor or anyone - needs to be something you set up yourself. only SS if there very obvious child welfare concerns which there dont appaar to be.

you could look into contact centres as a handover place. or his relatives .

but also as he 7 there is no need for example for ex to come into your home to handover your DS - your DS can walk from front gate or whatever.

court application itself is about £150 then you could self rep as was said.

keep a record of texts/emails and what he says and yes then go to police if eh clearly harassing you. .

he would have to show his true colours at court. or he could play nice nice for the judge - in which case you know he abusing you and you can then record texts .

You are perfectly within your legal rights to cut this man off from having any contact with you, which includes forbidding him from sending unpleasant texts. You can forbid him from entering your house and if he tries to force his way in you can have him removed by the police.
The law will only force you to allow him contact with his DC if he applies for it: it's probably better to have it legally formalised so he can't keep trying to dick you around. No court will force an adult into allowing another adult contact with themselves against their wishes.

Thanks all. SGB that's what I'm aiming for really, not to have to see him again myself. It's just how to put that into action without upsetting my son.

Appreciate the advice esp the legal stuff which is all a bit scary.

Could you try a public handover - is there a Tesco/Asda nearby where he could wait in the cafe area and then your son could walk to him? The same on return.

Also could he not collect from school or get a family member (on his side) to collect from school or do the other collections?

You need to get it away from your home as soon as possible - you need to reduce the stress on yourself which is passing to your son.

He will no doubt resist but I think it may have to go to court for an ordered schedule of contact. I hope this will benefit you and your child.

THe thing is, it's no good trying to be reasonable with an unreasonable man, whos agenda is to harass you. THis is why you need to get it legally formalised that this man is forbidden to bother you and his contact with his son is separate from his behaviour towards you. I appreicate that this may be a little awkward for your DS but you can explain to him that his dad loves him but Daddy can't be nice to Mummy so it's better that Mummy and Daddy don't talk to one another much. Remember that this is the man's own fault.