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Original poster

Grow some balls....

23 replies

firsttimejade · 15/02/2011 14:38

Have been seeing someone for a few weeks (met new year) and discovered I am now pregnant. I always thought that I could not concieve due to health issues and have weighed up every option avaialable to me however I really want this baby. Have told the Father, and in all honesty he appears to still be in shock. Having sought his opinions on it he agreed with me that he wants to be a part time Dad and still be able to do what he wants. Am I am rather hormonal and emotional at present I clearly discussed my opionions of his attitude and he acknowledged that he was being selfish etc. My issue is that I appear good enough to be the mother of his first child, however not good enough to be with. I vowed I would never bring a child into this world without being in a marriage etc, but now I am in the scenario I cannot think about terminating the pregnancy. Am I just being selfish, hormonal and needy or is he being a complete arse?

OP posts:
trefusis · 15/02/2011 14:41

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LittleMissHissyFit · 15/02/2011 14:42

I think you have your answer. If you want to keep the baby, and the guy wants to be involved in raising his child then what is the problem.

Marriage is all well and good, I got married, it didn't work, I got divorced.

I met 'H', we were together 5 years, we had DS.

If you are sure about the baby, go for it, you are right the father still may be in shock, you never know what might happen over time, but you can do this with out without his help.

You sound young... a word to the wise, NEVER say never... Grin

maxybrown · 15/02/2011 14:43

I agree, but also mad to get rid of a baby you would want.

Hassled · 15/02/2011 14:43

No, he's not being an arse. I think you may be asking too much too quickly. You've not been seeing each other long - it sounds like he's sticking around to co-parent, at least, and I think expecting full commitment to you as a partner relatively early on in your relationship is probably your hormones talking.

It's not a case of good enough to be a mother, not good enough to be a partner; they're two very different things. Just take your time and see how things pan out.

Congratulations, btw - you'll be fine :). Do you have much family support around?

compo · 15/02/2011 14:44

He wants to be a part time dad and still do what he wants?

I think you're better off without him

congratulations on your pregnancy

realrabbit · 15/02/2011 14:48

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Original poster
firsttimejade · 15/02/2011 14:48

Well thank you everyone....I'm nearly 29 so not that young just shocked massively at how confused my head has been.

I think for me that as a professional who works in social care and fully understands the importance of secure attachments for a child from birth I am trying to figure out where this could end up, however I know I need to focus on myself and baby, and allow Dad to be involved but not focus or think of where that can go. He has been superb to me in many respects and is actually givong me very mixed reactions in relation to what he is saying and what he is doing.

As for family support, it's there in little bits but that is one big fuck up that I may be best on my own!

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trefusis · 15/02/2011 14:49

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StuffingGoldBrass · 15/02/2011 14:56

Please bear in mind that just as he has every right to be reluctant to commit to a couple-relationship with you after roughly 6 weeks, you don't know him well enough to know if you want couplehood with him, either.
The fact that you have an unplanned PG to deal with does not mean that you should be trying to make him marry you. Give yourself and him time to adjust - yes it's your choice whether or not to continue your pregnancy but he's allowed to be upset and angry at least for a while at the prospect of unexpected fatherhood - byt hwich I mean he is not entitled to be horrible to you but that reacting with something less than wild enthusiasm doesn't make him a bad person.
Forcing him to commit now is a disastrous plan. He can still be a good father even if he is not the main carer and no longer a partner to you - you will have to wait and see, but pushing him for more than he is willing to offer will backfire on you both and on the baby.

Original poster
firsttimejade · 15/02/2011 15:00

Oh and marriage is not on my mind. Just never thought I would be going through a pregnancy without the dad around.

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Original poster
firsttimejade · 15/02/2011 15:02

I would add that he is stating clearly that he will support me with whatever decision I make, and that he realises that this potentially may be his only chance to be a dad. i think I ma just hormonal, tired and obviously worried.

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 15/02/2011 15:04

of course he is in shock.

if you want baby and can provide for it, then ontinue.

see how it goes with the father in terms of your relationship with him.

prob easier to start off assuming he will be involved but not around - and see what happens as time goes by.

if he can set out to be a good part time dad then that is truly valuable.

far better than forcing him into a relationship he unsure about.

cestlavielife · 15/02/2011 15:06

sounds like dad is prepared to be around - just not in the married and 2.4 kids and a dog way...

StuffingGoldBrass · 15/02/2011 15:25

Do remember that neither of you chose each other to be your first child's other parent, so it's not a matter of being 'not good enough.'
FWIW my DS was concieved in fairly similar circumstances (though his dad was an old drinking pal/FWB) in that I also thought that I was infertile due to past gynaecological issues - and being 39 at the time. DS dad did initially suggest we got married but I refused. Our DS is 6 now, much loved, his dad sees him roughly twice a week and it's all very amicable. We have a happy and stable family unit but DS dad and I are not a couple - it works fine for all 3 of us and there's no reason why such an arrangement wouldn't work for others.

QueenStromba · 15/02/2011 15:43

Congratulations firsttimejade. It sounds like he's taking it very well under the circumstances. Assuming that you told him that it was ok not to use a condom because you are infertile a lot of men would think that you'd lied to try and trap them (I'd be surprised if the thought hasn't crossed his mind TBH).

slug · 15/02/2011 16:06

First off, congratulations. I know, from personal experience, that nothing is quite as shocking as finding yourself pregnant when you thought you never would concieve.

I suspect he is as much in shock as you are and this may be behind his immediate reaction. Since you have decided to go ahead with the pregnancy all you can do at this point is accept whatever he wants to give in terms of support. From what you've told us about him, he isn't exactly coming across as a total tool. I suspect as the pregnancy progresses, as his shock wears off and once the little one is born his attitude may change.

A good part tme dad is infinitely better than a crap full time one.

disapprovinggirlfriend · 15/02/2011 16:09

Why did you assume you couldn't have children? ANd why weren't you using contraception regardless?

LessNarkyPuffin · 15/02/2011 16:20

What he says now and what will actually happen when he has a child are two very different things. I think that a lot of men- even those in long term relationships who've been trying for a a baby- can react very oddly to pregnancy. They can feel very differently when they see the child. Equally, some men can be very supportive during pregnancy but don't connect with the child when it's born.

What matters now are your immediate needs. Focus on those and try not to worry about the future. After all, at the moment all he can offer is words, and even if he was saying what you wanted to hear there's no guarantee his feelings would stay the same- every divorce has said, 'I do'.

VerintheWhite · 15/02/2011 16:24

On the plus side you may have found a friend for life who is an excellent dad and who will do a good job, while you retain your freedom and can do what you want :o Agree with LessNarky, focus on the now.

Changing2011 · 15/02/2011 17:36

Congratulations, I got pregnant within first three months, DD came along and we were fine. It wasnt "love" at first but we found our way. He is a good Dad too. Good luck x

wileycoyote · 15/02/2011 23:41

If you can afford a child on your own and are prepared for that, go ahead. If not in my opinion it is pretty bonkers thinking you know anyone well enough after 6 weeks to have a baby with them and rely on them for support.

Original poster
firsttimejade · 16/02/2011 10:41

We were using contraception, and I did not assume I was infertile, I was advised by different specialists that concieveing would be very difficult.

QueenStromba, I felt exactly what you think and did discuss that with hime, however he said that he knows that is not something I would do
x

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StuffingGoldBrass · 16/02/2011 11:06

COntraceptive failure does happen. It sounds like he is basically an OK bloke so there is a good chance of things working out well enough even if he doesn;t want to marry you (and if he did suggest moving in or marrying you when you have only known him 6 weeks or so that would TBH more likely indicate a not-Ok bloke. People who want to rush into commitment are usually either desperate, utterly naive or they have an unpleasant agenda).

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