Just found out my DH has taken out a loan...am so angry advice on what to do

[dontdillydally]

Found out end of last yr DH had taken out a loan to payback his overdraft - not huge amount but still paying around £300 over at the end. This was around Sept time. Was angry as we could of done something to sort this Im sure but as he has a bad history of money management said he didnt want to bother me/tell me as he knew I would be mad. I saw a bank statement that showed the money going in but being taken straightout...didnt register until now.

Just found the paper work to show that DH has taken out what must be another loan over 24 months with bank and repayments of £120 per month so Im thinking total repayment just under £3k so loan perhaps must of been for £2k perhaps?

There is something going on as it was taken out around Dec with 3 months leaway before payments start in March.

Also he is STILL into his overdraft big time....so seems like he needs the money for something else.

I am absolutely fuming, shaking with anger.

How dare he take £3k out of our family income to repay this back!!!

He knows I have been looking at holidays for the summer and has told me to go ahead and book. Also redundancies are looming again at his place (been redundancies twice last year)

I feel sick thinking about it, I only work 2 days a week.

As I previously said he has a bad history of being overdrawn, spending more than he has etc... but now Im thinking over all these years we never have anything to show for it, most people who Ive know to be in debt was because they had a new car, holidays, new clothes, went out for meals most weekends ...we dont do any of that.

Im hoping to see him to confront him before kids come home otherwise Im going to have to dwell on this for another day...already been 2 days

My husband has done this a few times. He's self employed so nit on a regular wage, crap with money and liked to bury his head in the sand.
I had a similar reaction to you ( this was all a few years ago).
Now we both accept he has no money sense and I deal with ALL the money stuff and we live in a much happier debt free house.
My next door neighbours husband did similar and she could not forgive and divorced him.
I guess what I am saying is it is possible to get over this by recognising where each of your strengths lie and accepting if one person is better/worse in the money management area

ok got to the bottom of it.

Took out a loan last year to subsidise a trip abroad for a friends 40th birthday this is why the money went in then straight out. I found out about this and went mental. He over spent and went way over his overdraft....buried head in sand got further out of control.

Decided to "take control" and took out another loan to pay off OD without me knowing.

I do believe him as there is no evidence of drink, drugs, OW etc... we dont go out, he comes home when he should, there are no pointers.

He is rubbish with money, buries his head and hence gets worse...Im the total opposite.

Not spoken properly but need to get control of his bank account and pay him pocket money each week until we are straight he has agreed to this and has admitted he is just rubbish the accounts and money etc...

How pathetic thats all I can say

I am sorry for you and I can see you are really upset.

I have to say I took a £15k loan out last year and didn't mention it to Dh for a while. No real reason just that I was looking into our finances and swopping things around.

However this is very different as you have no idea where it's gone! It really looks like he is is in a serious muddle and I think once you find out it looks like some financial help is needed pronto.

I hope you get a happy conclusion and I understand your anger.

Good luck Dontdillydally.

X- posted with you

sounds like the money is being spent by both of you. he isn't drinking or gambling it is just day to day living. yes he is nob for not tellin gyou but i think you have take responsibility as a couple for your expenses. get a joint account.

Duplicitous - what ever money is left in my account goes on food, DS and bills nothign else I can assure you

OK, well at least you know where it went.

Having been through similar, I think you need to be careful not to fall into the role of 'mother' which, I know, is very easy to do. Talk of 'pocket money' won't help how you see your husband and you don't want to feel like you are looking after another child (not least because it will make him completely unattractive to you). While it is important to get a hold of the finances, I think you both need to do some work on how you can relate to each other. He needs to take some responsibility too, it shouldn't be just on your shoulders to sort this out. He is a grown up after all.

what does he spend money on?

Well Ive been down the route of "giving him some responsibility" he has a history of over spending on "nothing".

I too dont want full financial responsibility, I want some security however it doesnt work. If I have full control he cant over spend?

This happens every couple of years...I cannot live with a loan around our necks for 2 years I want it paid off as quickly as possible.

I cant sleep at night, eat properly, feel sick to my stomach.

Duplicitous - he "doesnt know" where it goes which I believe I think he has just got OD, then more OD and its just escalated with interest and fines from the bank.

I really feel for you, it's a horrible position to be in, you are being forced to take control of a situation not of your making. I'm sure you feel incredibly resentful, I still do. I'm particularly nervous now about the year ahead: possible mortgage rate rises, cost of living rises, possible redundancy. It makes me feel very scared that we will tip over the edge financially.

When I posted about my H, one of the MNers said that you have to get to the bottom of why they thought it was OK to do it otherwise it will keep happening. That seems to be the case here. Is he able to explain why he does it? I know it is often trotted out as advice, but perhaps some kind of counselling would help him understand and change his behaviour? Otherwise, I think this kind of behaviour will eventually kill your relationship.

I think I need to ask myself why I keep sorting it out and why I stick by him

He just says he doesnt know why he does it, there is never any explanation as to why he gets in debt, why he lies to me why he things it acceptable.

IVe told him that he's let me down and more importantly his DS - funds, holidays, treats will definately be limited now

well times ahead are going to be tough

It might not be gambling or another woman. My partner got into serious debt a couple of years ago without me knowing, because he was not being paid by people at work who were in financial trouble and not paying him. He didn't tell me because he was ashamed at not being able to manage the bills until it got so bad I found credit card statements I did not know about. Everything on the statements were ordinary household bills.
It feels like a terrific betrayal of trust because they did not have the confidence to tell you. If I known I could have saved money but because I didn't know there was a problem I just kept spending money on things we really couldn't afford.
2 years on and I am only just begining to trust him again.

It seems there's not really any incentive on him to change b/c every time he gets into trouble you pick up the pieces and things carry on as before.
I agree that giving him pocket money, whilst practical and solving a problem will do nothing for your respect for him or his self respect.

His 'don't knows' must be maddening. What is he now prepared to do to change this? Is there a local money management course he could go on? Could he get Alvin Hall's (or similar) book and go through it? What is HE prepared to do to show you that he is willing to be an adult and manage his money as a responsible person.
I have BTDT with a husband (now ex) who was hopeless with money. I did the pocket money thing too (along with a host of other things too over the years) and it helped to destroy my respect and love for him. Many years post divorce he is facing bankruptcy b/c he never did learn how to manage his money and his new partner is equally clueless...
Talk to him about what HE is going to do. Could you do a home study course together? Make JOINT plans, figure this out together rather than you taking all the responsibility...

after the initial chat he's not spoken about it however DS has been around.

I just dont know what to do, youre right though it does break you down and I just feel resentment for him rather than any affection.

oh it just gets better, had a letter this morning to say "insufficient funds" in his account for the first payment!!!!

Have you done the Experian report yet? I'd suggest you do that to make sure there is nothing else to come out of the woodwork. Once you have the full facts, you (and he) can decide what needs to be done.

What has your husband got to say for himself, is he offering any solutions to how this can be dealt with or is he just wallowing? Does he realise the damage he is doing to his marriage?

In terms of trying to sort it out: Is it possible for your H to get some overtime? Then he could use this overtime to pay off the loans/overdraft. I'm just trying to see how this can be put right(financially, at least). I think he has to feel the affect of his behaviour, otherwise what's to stop him continuing in the future? I also think he really needs to attend some kind of financial counselling.

I'm sorry you're going through this. It's horrible.

thanks Fed Up.

Its so hard to talk at mo as DS is about and then we have half term next week...however I can feel myself getting madder and madder and did say this morning we have to sort thing out as Im starting to snap at our DS.

All he says is yes I will let you take over my account and yes I wil do this and that. Ive told him that I dont want to do this Ive been forced into this and I WILL NOT have this hanging over us well me for 2 years. He's very quiet, sheepish which makes it worse!

Im not sure how to do the experian thing?

I have car tax x 2 and insurance coming up end of this month so that would of helped.

with regards to OT it's going to have to be me that does it as his place is very limited. So again Im going to have to take the brunt of it....just gets better by the minute!

Sorry for rant and lots of Capitals!!!

Experian Report.

I really hope you don't find out anything new and unwelcome.