Hi
I'm not really sure where to start - have posted a couple of times previously about parts of this.
We are going away for a day/night (booked by me) at the weekend to give us chance to talk / have some time without the kids (3, aged 6 and under, no help near by so always have the kids with us), but I'm really nervous about it.
Things came crashing down in Nov. Probably sounds trivial. Found DH had not given up smoking (dope) as he had promised me a year before. Infact hadn't stopped for any period of time. This was about the 5th time he had promised me this (over 6 years), and I had felt he meant it this time and kind of felt it meant that he was serious about the relationship also.
As normally happens with any kind of issues, he transferred all blame on to me. Refused to discuss it all for over 24 hours. Then told me if I didn't like it, then it was over. Did I really want to destroy our marriage over something so trivial etc etc.
Then he got drunk, and started questionning when I first knew I was pregnant with DC1 in relation to when I told him (immediately) and told me that he had planned to finish with me a few days after that. Also told me how rubbish i was at juggling things (3 kids, teacher 2 days a week, husband at work 7.30-7.30 every day, no family anywhere near).....and that the solution was either for him to move back to where he comes from (southern hemisphere) or for him to commit suicide.
We have been together for 8 years, DC1 born after about 16 months, so early on.
He was hopeless (infact horrible) during the pregnancy, and useless when DS was small .
There are many examples of when he was been unsupportive, unloving etc etc.
There are good times too, but I have always had a feeling of insecurity in the relationship. A feeling that he is only here for the kids, and that he would leave when they leave home. He says this is not true.
Do other people have husbands who would genuinely do anything for them, and feel like they could get through anything?
He says why did I say yes to marrying him? Because I love him, and always thought things would only get better.
On a selfish/indulgent level (for me) - he has never organised anything romantic (although did come home with flowers yesterdaY) - no weekends away, no theatre, no holidays for the family (although moans about the plans I come up with within our budget and to our joint choice of location), although occasionally says we should go out for dinner.
Two years ago we had a lousy holiday when he hardly spoke to me for half of it. On our return he continued not to talk for about 4 days. When I asked him why, he said he didn't think we had anything in common and shoudln't be together. He then changed his mind and we talked through it, including agreeing we should make more time for each other and time away from the kids. He then booked himself a weekend away in Amsterdam. Sounds silly, but I was so suprised that he wanted to do that rather than something for both of us that I agreed to it.
I am really finding it hard to pin down what I love about him at the moment, or if really I am still in love with him. He is good looking (!) but has a look of stone whenever we talk about anything difficult. If I am upset, he can ignore me for hours and hours.
Since Nov, I have kind of been wanting a sign that we should stay together. I don't know what that would actually be though. He has been trying (letting me have a lie in, breakfast in bed, has had the kids for a couple of days so i could have a girly day out with friends - first time in years).
He is the main breadwinner, but I have worked out that I could afford to keep paying the mortgage (if the bank would let me keep it - how does that work?) when tax credits, child benefit and maintenance have been included.
Any sound advice would be much appreciated!!!!
I have phoned relate, but they have a minimum of a 10 week waiting list at the moment.