H with depression and seeing someone else

[CatFlap3]

Hi, it's my first time posting but I've been reading all the really helpful threads that have rung a bell with me in my(new-ish) situation/marriage breakdown, so any more comments or advice will be very gratefully received. Sorry this may be a bit long...
In summary, my H was diagnosed with clinical depression in Sept 2010 which seemed to be related to many issues - sudden death of a close friend, mid-life due to H hitting 40, work stress, etc. He was signed off work for 3 months, put on A/Ds and started counselling once a week. He also started to go to the pub all the time and to drink far too much. I tried to be supportive and loving, although hard work at times, but H announced on 12 Jan after 11+ years of marriage that he didn't love me anymore, our marriage was over and that we should split up.
I was gutted! It came out of the blue to me, I knew he had problems but I thought we'd work them out together. I have kept trying to talk things through with him, he says he doesn't know what he wants out of life and has been unhappy for 7 or 8 months, but much of what he says is contradictory and changes from day to day and week to week (I think due to depression distorting his view of life). H refuses to go to marriage counselling, says he is already getting counselling so doesn't need any more. I am so disappointed that he doesn't seem to want to try to save our marriage. I asked him right at the beginning if there was someone else but he said no. I've read all sorts of stuff on depression and saving a marriage and have eventually agreed with him that it would be better for him to move out for a trial separation. However, he's still not found somewhere else to stay yet, although he disappears off most weekends. Despite all this I have tried to remain strong and get on with my life with my very supportive rl friends and family (no DC involved).
But last night I found confirmation in his email (I know the login) of something that had been niggling at me. He appears to be having an affair with a woman he knew many years ago at school and linked up with again recently on Facebook, I think starting in in Sept or Oct. The email shows he was planning to look at houses on the other side of the country with the OW only 6 days after he told me wanted to separate! I now feel like I'm back to square one, totally heartbroken, feeling sick and lost. I asked him again last night if he was seeing someone else and he denied it again (but I know he is lying) he then lost his temper with me big time and looked at me like he hated me, saying all sorts of nasty things that just aren't true! I'm totally devastated and don't know what to do now - he stayed in bed and didn't go to work today and has just walked out the door without speaking to me (to go to the pub). I'm so sad :(, up to now I still had a little hope that we could sort his/our problems but I'm not sure if I can get beyond him lying and the way he reacted last night /today seems to indicate he's not even talking to me now. I know I will cope but I feel like I am still in limbo since he?s not actually moved out yet and is denying the relationship with the OW. Any suggestions for a way forward would be welcome!!!

Im really really sorry. It is such a tough hard heartbreaking situation. My H had a midlife crisis and to be honest your H sounds absolutely textbook.

Partly how Ive coped is with the help of this site Im linking to the newbies page - I suggest you read some of it. Its not as well organised as it should be but the overall site is invaluable - and sadly a good amount of UK people on it. Lots of very wise people on it.

Thanks Mumfun, I'll definitely take a look at the site link you kindly sent. I wish things could go back to normal but I know that's a long road or maybe not possible.

i am so sorry you are going through this, i hope someone with help will come along soon.

Here's a suggestion: Pack his stuff up into bin liners, change the locks and leave his stuff on the doorstep. Maybe with a note saying "I suggest you move in with [FB woman]".

Sorry to hear what you're going through. I am in a bit of a similar situation, tho mine's been going on for years and we have DC. I bet your're tying yourself up in knots wondering how his mind is working .
The only thing I can tell you is that he is only lashing out at you and saying nasty things because he feels guilty - not because he actually means them. He's looking for excuses and will be trying to lay any blame for his action on you (my DH once told DD1 aged 15/16 at the time she was the reason he had started smoking again!)
Another thing is a feeling of total lack of control of your life, but hopefuly with the help of friends/family which you are lucky to have you will find the strength to sort things out, whichever way they go. I do think you should totally front up to him re the other woman tho, for what it's worth.
Sorry - not much help.........

I think you should ask him to leave the family home, though unfortunately you cannot simply throw him out and change the locks because he is having an affair (the only time you can force someone out of a home they own or are named on the tenancy agreement for, is if they are violent to other people who live there).
But it's a bit much of him to expect you to continue indulging his moods and servicing him domestically when he is seeing someone else and treating you with no kindness or respect.

Poor you. Click on this link to read an excellent article about the links between depression and infidelity. I'm pretty sure you will see your H in those pages.

I find it interesting that he got a clinical diagnosis in September and he started this affair at around the same time. Often in these situations, it's a puzzle about which came first, the depression or the infidelity.

What I have learned is that depressed people are much more vulnerable to affairs, because the affair mimics a chemical high. That "high" becomes much more addictive and intoxicating to the person who has flatlined. To a depressed person in mid-life, the feelings of "being alive" brought on by an affair are so powerful, that they contribute to some very poor life decisions.

In your case, you've got a lot of cards stacked against you. You've got a depressed man in mid-life, having an affair with an old flame. Affairs with old flames are recognised to be the most dangerous to the primary relationship, because the lure of them is not just the person, but the memories of being young and without responsibility; another push factor in mid-life.

It sounds as though you have been understanding and benovolent so far, but although it might not seem like it now, the discovery of the affair will liberate you.

Now that you've got your discovery, recognise that a large portion of the behaviour you've been seeing has got nothing to do with the depression and is more associated with the affair. If you want to read about this, concentrate your reading more on mid-life affairs - and less on depression.

He is evidently biding his time, to leave you when it suits him and his OW. Just because he is depressed, doesn't mean he is not hugely manipulative and at the moment, he is trading on your humanity to continue giving him a roof over his head.

Call his bluff now and ask him to leave. This relationship with the OW needs to stand on its own four feet now in real-life, away from the romanticism of secrecy and plotting.
They are doing this on your time, trading on your sympathy for a loved one who is "ill" - and that should make you very angry. Use that anger wisely and tell him the game is up.

Thanks to everyone for your help and comments. Still not sure what to do for the best but I'll try to work it out soon for the sake of my sanity if not his. Thanks bobs for you comments - so true! I really think H is trying to make me into the bad guy now so if I pack his stuff and leave it outside or set a deadline for him to go he'll just thinks this justifies all his actions. H has retreated to his bed again today so we'll see what happens later when I get home from work...

Don't be too worried about making him into the bad guy. Right now he is the bad guy - he has used you for sympathy and support and expected you to indulge all his selfishness on the grounds that he's depressed, and yet he has been lying to you and giving you nothing back. When you ask him to leave, tell everyone that it's because he is seeing someone else - now you need support from friends and family.

My best friend suffers depression and no way would she behave towards others in this way, sorry but having depression isn't an excuse to treat someone like a piece of crap. The longer you allow this to continue the worse you are going to feel, you need distance from him and as soon as possible, so either he goes or you go.

You have proof that he's having an afair so how can he still deny it?

It really doesn't matter what he thinks, or indeed what he will tell people. You know that you're being taken for a mug and you simply tell everyone else that you asked him to leave because he'd told you he wanted to leave you and you've since found out that he was having an affair.

Continuing to offer him safe harbour while he searches for love nests is madness.

Why are you worried about him seeing you as the 'bad guy' if you kick him out? He's already told you that this is how he sees you. Now you are happy to be a door mat - well that is not going to make him fall back in love with you either. He has big problems and you are the one suffering for them. You need to retain your dignity both in your own eyes and his and kick him out. If he loves you he will come back to try to fix things and if he doesn't, well then you are free to carry on with your life.

Thanks again to all who've replied. Fannyfoghorn - your comments are much appreciated as I think I am heading in that direction. I told H that if he wanted to leave to get on with it three weeks ago (he was a bit shocked) but he seems to have ground to a halt again. I'll have to put my hard head on again and tell him to get out ASAP, whether he admits to OW or not.

The guy needs a reality check. Would be great if we could all go around doing exactly as we please and blame it on other people. Don't let him make you lose your confidence in yourself and your decisions. I would get a for sale sign put up outside the house, bet he will see things clearer then?

Hi CatFlap3,

If he is having a midlife crisis, then there is nothing you can do to influence his behaviour. He will probably feel fully justified in behaving in the selfish way he is and be in denial about the damage he is causing to protect himself from uncomfortable feelings of guilt. I think the only thing you can do is let him get on with it. the more you try to make your relationship work, the more he'll withdraw.

My h completely denies he is in MLC and I also feel so disapointed my h doesn't want to try to save the marriage, but I think it is part of their distorted MLC thinking rather than depression based thinking.

I think you need to read as much about MLC as possible to understand these men all sing from the same hymme sheet (whatever the expression is) and he may or may not come out of it. Nearly all MLC people have affairs but i don't imagine they have much to offer their girl friends (they are very selfish etc).

My h seems to have been taken over by this and is a completely different person - unrecognisable from the man I've known for 21 years.

I assume your h being on anti depressants and having councelling is very positive. Maybe he'll 'come round' and realise what he is doing...?

Hi Wherecanihide,

Oh, we are not alone are we! My H is also completely unrecognisable as the man I married and I've told him that. I suppose my approach up to now has been that he must still be the same person underneath but I'm definitely running out of sympathy/belief in that now. Also, he now denies even having depression (he did admit it previously) although he is still supposed to be on A/Ds and is still seeing the counsellor (tonight!). I'm not sure the counselling is helping anything since he's been going since October and things are worse than ever. The amount he drinks is wiping out any good the A/Ds might be doing as well so not looking too hopeful . The fact that he has hidden in his bed for the past 2 days doesn't help!

Not really got any great advice, but want to send some support
FWIW, I agree with WCIH , he is using your hospitality, to help him find something suitable for them both. Depression or not, he is very calculating in what he is doing, dont let him take you for a mug

Pack his bags, tell him, you have found the evidence of the affair, and then ask him to leave

So sorry for you x

Hmm, Catflap3, indeed all looks pretty text book

The hiding in bed for two days is all to familiar to me. My XH got iller and iller and I sadly became more and more worried about him and his mental health. Of course, in reality he was struggling mentally I think with being unhappy, being deceitful, having to deal with both me and OW, lying to the marriage counsellor (I could go on...)

I took a while to expose the affair and boot him out. I should have clocked what was happening much earlier and made it harder for him although then I might have kept an XH who I have subsequently realised I was not happy with for years...

Although it's difficult when they are depressed, ultimately I think kicking him out is the best option.

I'm keeping my temper down your Sit.made me really angry for

you've been so patient, and as devastating as depression is I fear he may be milking it to treat you like shit tbh, its how I read it

keep your chin you deserve better

Where does he disappear off to most weekends?

I would sit him down, look him in the eye and ask him outright about OW, when he denies it again, say something like "right, so you are not having an affair with "fb woman's name", you are not looking to move away to "town"? Watch his reaction. He will know his game is up. Make him tell his family what he has done and why he is leaving the marital home.

Sorry you are going through this, but he sounds most unpleasant, and the sooner you get everything out in the open, the sooner you can start to deal with it.

The bottom line is; having another woman is not acceptable no matter what. Also, why should you tolerate his drinking?

I have every sympathy for those who are depressed but there is no excuse for such bad behaviour. I used to think my h is a walking MLC cliche and he isn't in his 'right mind' BUT he isn't so mentally ill his selfish decisions are out of his control.

I know I'm stating the obvious, but I have to remind myself of this when I'm missing him and what I thought we had together. I supose it is about self respect.

I agree completely with WWIFN, very wise words. I would take her advice and re-read it again.

My H had depression and was finding life very difficult and had an affair. We're now divorced but I survived thanks to great support on mumsnet and advice from people like WWIFN. It's horrid when you first find the evidence and it can take a while to sink in, I was in shock and denial for quite sometime in the early days My ExH had counseling but wouldn't go for marriage counseling, kept disappearing all the time etc. He left me dangling on a string hoping to work things out for 5 months after separation, his behaviour seemed contradictory too, he was very confused looking back. I finally gave up and begun divorce proceedings in the end. It was an awful time living in limbo hoping we'd work things out. So I feel for you. I would separate and ask him to stay elsewhere for now tbh. Give yourself some space to clear your head.

Thanks to you all! I'm so glad to get all your advice and support. I am definitely fed up with the way H has been treating and manipulating me. I also just found out tonight that he was v disrespectful about me to my aunt and uncle (v good friends of ours) a few weeks ago which just makes me even more determined to get him out as fast as possible.

You sound as though you are feeling very strong, CatFlap3. (I wonder what your aunt and uncle thought about that?)