I don't want to involve the kids, he does.

[FrankensteinsValentine]

I was involved with a man a few years ago who had a 13 year old daughter who he had residency over and the whole thing was a nightmare from start to finish. He wouldn't have a thing said against her despite the obvious manipulation, bad behaviour etc and she clung to him religiously, text him continuously and he treated her so different to my kids, she got away with stuff that my kids got told off for etc. So anyway that one ended because I couldn't tolerate her a moment longer. So I swore I'd never get with anyone who had kids after that but I fell for someone who had a 10 year old daughter. Different circumstances as she doesn't live with him but we've been seeing each other for about 6 months and he's really keen to involve the kids and I just don't want to. Everytime we say about going out he says stuff like "oh K* loves it there! we should take the kids!" but I just don't want the kids involved. I'd be happy to carry on like this until the kids are grown up and left home but he isn't, he wants to move on, introduce the kids, talk about setting up a home together etc etc and the thought terrifies me because whenever I try and picture it and just get images of him and his DD sat whispering on the sofa and texting each other and him telling her she can do stuff behind my back etc etc just like last time. Do I risk losing him though?? I don't know what to do.

you want different things. if it was me i would stop seeing him.

Don't let one vile experience put you off. It might be a really good move, and at least you know what negative signs to look for now.

Its dificult. On one hand, you have a guy that actually seems to be making the right noises re commitment and a desire to share his life with you. Quite a few people would appreciate being in your situation.

On the other, you have had a genuinely difficult experience with a previous man and in that light your reticence is understandable.

Talk to him about it. Explain to him why you have difficulies about involving your children in your relationship. The chances are that he'll undertsand and take it easy.

Are you simply making him pay for what your Ex got wrong? If so, have a think about how you can change, slowly. Or have you reached a decision whereby you don't want to involve kids in a relationship until they've left home? If so, then I think you have to accept that some relationships won't work. It sounds like this guy loves his kids and loves/is very fond of you. I'm not sure you can expect him to effectively lead two seperate lives.

Is your fear that you will come second best again? It might be that you do - I know that's a tough thing to hear, but it sounds like its still relatively early days in your relationship and the chances are that his kids are his priority. Whether you can deal with that or not is up to you.

Good luck, either way.

I was also going to ask if you have spoken about these fears.
If things are going to move on I guess the kids would be involved at some point, but at least your experience in the past will give you a chance to set down boundaries - ie behaviour/treatment that is equal between all children, regardless of who's they are, and ways of parenting where you are united together and back each other up, which avoids any of them playing parents off against each other.
I also think its important to know who will discipline kids - kids dont seem to like new partners coming in and bossing them about, and rightly so IMO. My DP takes an initial back seat when it comes to telling off DD, and is a little more hands on with DS, who is his. However if DD seems to be ignoring me, he will step up to back me up.

Tell him about your awful experience and explain this is why you are reluctant and tell him maybe you could try again in a few months time, there is no rush and you need to make sure you don't end up in a similar situation as before. I totally understand what you are saying and you are quite right to protect yourself and your kids to what could potentially be another bad situation.

It's only been six months so maybe hold off for a few months. Plus, this daughter does not live with him f/t so that makes a hell of a difference.

You will have to face it but maybe not just now but you need to tell him how you feel about it.

Plus I think six months is a short time to be talking about setting up home and blending families together, you're right to hold off.

The previous relationship sounds utterly awful but this could be different! Does DP know how badly your past experience has scared you?

I think if there's a chance this relationship could last, you need to meet this girl soon. Obviously you'd have to eventually anyway, and I'm sure it'd make her resentful if she knew you were avoiding her for so long.

Try it! When I first met now-DH we did really low key stuff - cinema, park or bowling usually - as there is activity to focus on and therefore less pressure for everyone to 'get along'. Much easier than meeting in a home environment IMO.

You need to try and approach this neutrally, don't judge him on your ex's behaviour. You may lose him if you push him to make a choice. She's only 10, even if you wait till she's an adult and leaves home she will always be in his life. Meet casually and see how it goes.