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Relationships

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Original poster

Should I tell him the truth about why I'm no longer interested?

20 replies

DierdresVein · 14/02/2011 18:29

Got talking to a man online. He seemed really nice but over time I noticed that all he ever talks about is his kids. They live with his ex wife but he has them EVERY weekend (from Friday to Sunday) and every Wednesday night and every bank holiday/school holiday unless his ex wife decides to book something. They're 12 and 18 so its not as if this is likely to change as they "get older" etc.
I don't think it's "wrong", I just can't see how we'd build up a relationship if he has the kids every weekend and every wednesday and holidays etc plus it doesn't seem as if he can talk about anything other than the kids!!

So my dilema is, do I tell him WHY I'm no longer interested or would that be really mean? Is it worse to lie though??

OP posts:

Olessaty · 14/02/2011 18:32

Have you talked to him about getting adult time together or are you just assuming it'd not be possible?

I have full time care of my DD and my son all week and every other weekend, and I am able to get time away from them to date.

Flisspaps · 14/02/2011 18:32

Don't tell him.

Would you not be able to meet him on the days he doesn't have his children?

earwicga · 14/02/2011 18:33

Lie.

OhForBoonessSake · 14/02/2011 18:36

sheesh

i have my dcs 24/7 i still manage to get a babysitter if i want to go out or do something without them.

i think you might be assuming too much. but again if his talking about his dcs is putting you off then there is really no point you even discussing him getting time off is ther because you would be bored stupid if you did go out with him.

Gay40 · 14/02/2011 18:39

Poor bloke. We have a million threads about tosser dads, then one who seems OK is about to given the heave-ho for daring to mention them.

But seriously. I'm all for honesty but in this case I think I'd just say sorry, this isn't working and then move on.

Olessaty · 14/02/2011 18:45

He possibly finds having children common ground, I can always talk about the kids, it's a comfortable subject for me. I think it's a shame and wouldn't tell him this is why you are no longer interested.

AgeingGrace · 14/02/2011 19:54

If it helps you feel any better, OP, I dumped somebody who only ever talked about his kids. At first I thought it was great - but he had no identity of his own, iyswim; he lived through the children.

I did meet up with him, though (and the DCs, natch.) Maybe see what he's like in RL? It's up to you, though, you have absolutely no obligation. Lie

Eurostar · 14/02/2011 20:12

I'd tell him if it turns out to be the deal breaker, why not? Have you actually had a chat yet about how/when you might meet in RL given his responsibilities? Can't see an 18 year old, and even not a 12 year old wanting to hang out with Dad all weekend, every weekend. Presumably they want to see their own friends and do their own stuff so he gets some afternoons free?

If you did meet and kids still turn out to be only topic of conversation then that's going to be dull for anyone so you'd be doing him a favour.

StuffingGoldBrass · 14/02/2011 22:26

You owe this man nothing if all you've done is chat to him online. Just move on. He's not your problem.

Dansmommy · 14/02/2011 23:48

So if they lived with him full time you couldn't have a relationship? Do you have kids?

aurynne · 15/02/2011 00:29

Why are you trying to justify yourself? You are just not interested, for whichever reason. As SGB said, you owe him nothing.

BitOfFun · 15/02/2011 00:50

Just say that you don't want to take things further and wish him all the best. He doesn't need a detailed explanation if you have never met.

fit2drop · 15/02/2011 00:58

devils advocate here

you could tell him you have a problem regarding his childrn
then HE will probably do one anyway...
jobs a good un

^^^ all the above tongue in cheek

seriously , Just tell him its not going anywhere, wish him well and goodbye or just delete him ...

fit2drop · 15/02/2011 00:59

childrn = children

solooovely · 15/02/2011 12:39

He sounds like a good and committed dad. He'd be better off with someone else, not you!

ChaoticAngelofAnarchy · 15/02/2011 12:44

If all he ever talks about are his children then I can see the OP's point. I don't want to talk about my DC 100% of the time, I like to talk about other things. I wouldn't want to be with someone who talked about nothing but trains/football/dogs* all the time either.

OP as has been said, you owe him nothing, just tell him it's not working and move on.

*delete as applicable.

gillybean2 · 15/02/2011 12:51

Can you point him in my direction please!

I'd be more than happy with a person who sees their dc that often and is such an involved and caring father.

And no you don't have to say why (it's not like he's asked has he?). You just say you don't think you're looking for the same things from a relationship and don't want to waste his time and wish him luck for the future and then you point him in my direction please!

TobyLerone · 15/02/2011 12:52

I can feel the implicit judgement from some of the posters here. The fact that he talks about his children all the time does not necessarily make him the best dad ever. It does make him dull.

You (OP) are perfectly entitled to want to speak to a potential relationship-type-person about things other than children. And you are perfectly entitled to want to spend child-free time with him. If he can't provide you with that, get rid of him. And tell him why. It might help him not to make that mistake next time.

StuffingGoldBrass · 15/02/2011 14:01

If he's boring, he's boring. If the OP finds him boring then she's perfectly entitled just to drop him.
Women are already encouraged to make far too many allowances for men, to 'give him a chance' when we are simply not interested or put off by 'minor' things. It doesn't matter if it's a minor fault or not, if you don't feel inclined to pursue any kind of relationship with a man you just walk away.
THis is particularly valid when you are at the stage of messaging someone via a dating website - you shouldn't feel under any obligation to waste any time at all on someone who puts you off.

TobyLerone · 15/02/2011 14:10

It all depends on how desperate for a relationship you are. That will have a bearing on how many allowances you're willing to make.

Personally, I've never been unhappy with being single, and certainly never so much that I'm willing to put up with someone who bores me.

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