Big op 3 days away -

[heartsandminds]

This thread gives some background:

[[http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/general_health/11
37455-big-op-ahead-parents-reactions-among-other-things]]

Now 3 days from op. I'm at the end of my tether today, exhausted and fraught. I didn't really disengage as sensibly advised in my previous thread. I tried to make parents 'feel better' by phoning each week.

Each time I reiterated my no visitors rule. I can't be doing with them at my bedside being fraught and awkward, remembering endless details of my previous ops (completely forgoptten by me).

Last week, my mother slid into the conversation that she had booked into a B&B for 2 nights next week, v close to where we live (they are normally 200 miles away!). My dad 'had a meeting in London already, so thought they would both come down and extend from 1 night to 2 nights, book locally to us etc etc. All 'a coincidence'. I found myself saying well, I guess by next week I may welcome a visit - I understood that to be the point.

Then I was furious. I felt manipulated and angry. I feel they are intent on barging their way in to what I see as my operation, my life, with no regard to my wishes. I wrote a letter to restate that I didn't want visitors - any visitors. I said I felt manipulated, went on to explain why, (apart from that word) a very careful letter, trying to get over the fact that I'm a 49 year old middle aged woman with my own family and fundamentally that my wishes should be simply respected.

Furious diatribe from my mother this Sat. 'What do you mean by manipulated?' Attack, obfuscation. 'You were the one who told us we could visit'! 'The timing is nothing to do with you. We're coming because it's DGDs half term, and your DH not working'. Huh? No mention of this before. DH is not working becasue I'm in hospital! I don't think I need my DH diverted from the carefully planned visiting schedule and care of DD. It's like a 6 year old making up stories..... Last shot: 'We are free agents you know!'

Oh god. All this would be amusing if it hadn't kept me awake for the last 2 nights till 3am, besides myself with fury, churning with anger. Frankly I feel so over the top about it that clearly I could do with a good dose of therapy. However given that I have a mere 2 days to calm down abit decided to rant on here instead. Am I going crazy?

Subject title was meant to say - 'ageing but dominating parents driving me mental'! or some such thing.

The link you posted does not work so here it is again..
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/general_health/1137455-big-op-ahead-parents-reactions-among-other-things

Hopefully somebody wiser than me will give you good advice

You are not going crazy.
I could do with a good dose of therapy.
That is good advice. You need to concentrate on yourself at the moment not your parents fuckwittery.

Thanks kyotokate, and for reposting the link. Like that word fuckwittery. Just writing all that down made me feel better - I don't expect many people will open a link with such a weird title anyway!

I've told my mother today that I want no more contact till after the op. Feel huge sense of relief.

In fact have been feeling extremely sorry for myself all day, ie focusing on myself. Much better.

Re therapy: tried to get an appt with a counsellor today but she turned me down on the basis it was not a good time to be raking things up. Fair point I think but I was looking forward to a good rave...

Now got two sleeping tablets from GP for the next two nights. Let calm prevail.

I hope everything goes well..

No you are definitely not going crazy. My Dh is due to have a heart op too, but at least it is me that is being driven crazy by people asking about it, so he can just get on with his life as normally as he can. I turned my phone off for the weekend to get away from it, and I recommend you do the same.

Maybe tell the nurses you don't want visitors and tell your mum that your DH is the phone contact, so she will have to talk to him for updates. Would he be able to fend them off for you?

for what it's worth, I rekon a dose of therapy might benefit your mum too, it must be really hard for her to see you go through all this, but she really needs to remember it's time for her to back off and let your DH look after you now.

good luck for your op.

nubbins - I don't think they'll turn up at hospital now. More likely reaction is a major huff - my mother will be unable to speak to me for some time. I regard this as a benefit at the moment! Weird, but a benefit.

I agree with you about therapy for my mum, but it's not something she would consider. being self centred I don't think she knows that there are any issues at all which may be hers.

I am getting good support from selected friends and siblings, especially my DB; finding people are not hassling me for info now. I have been very clear about what I do and don't want - everyone except my parents have accepted this as helpful!

And thanks to both of you for your wishes - very much appreciated. Good luck to you DH nubbins.