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Relationships

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Original poster

Do make or break holidays actually work for the better?

16 replies

sparkleshine · 14/02/2011 13:01

This morning DP of 10 years has informed me that he doesn't feel the same anymore and hasn't for a while. No OW involved, though he has been in contact with a female friend who I only found out about on Saturday.

Obviously I'm devestated and hurt that he feels this way and upset that he's left it so long that it's going to be hard to get things back, if at all possible.
If he'd have said this at the start, we could have got our relationship back on track.
I know that after having DS things have been going off track and time alone is very rare, but he works all the time and I know I can be moody and irritable but we need to sort this out.

Anyway, he booked us a long weekend away a few weeks ago for my birthday (without DS), but told me this morning it was also a kind of make or break for him.
Do these holidays/weekend breaks work out positive for anyone...I need reassurance.

I need advice and suggestions as to what I/we can do to make this work....he does love me and I him, I'm just in tears right now.

OP posts:

compo · 14/02/2011 13:02

Well it's a good sign he hasn't given up on the relationship completely

glasscompletelybroken · 14/02/2011 13:09

I think he's putting a lot of pressure on you to make the weekend perfect so that he will stay with you. I would take some positives from the fact that he booked this and must therefore be willing to see things get better, but he has to take responsibility for the relationship as well.

He can't expect you to be the only one to make changes and get it back on track. If there are problems then you need to work together to resolve them. Don't wait until you go away - sit him down and tell him you want to make your relationship work but that he has to want it too and you both have to make changes to make sure that happens.

If he has made contact with a female friend (however platonically) then he has stopped fulling investing his energies into your relationship and he is responsible for that - not you.

I know you are hurt and probably feel you will do anything to stay together, but don't be a doormat. He is just as responsible as you are for making it work and he needs to understand that.

Niceguy2 · 14/02/2011 13:22

Personally I can't see how this weekend away can work at all. The pressure will be unbearable for you and this will come out as latent anger/sadness/whatever.

He either wants to fight for his family or he doesn't. The weekend is simply high pressure.

I'd avoid it and tell him he's either in or he's out. At the moment it sounds like he's hedging his bets between you and this new "friend" of his.

oranges · 14/02/2011 13:24

I really cant see how this weekend away wil work - its different if he says he wants you and this break is a way for you to reconnect, but you can't "persuade" him to stay on a minibreak.

AnyFucker · 14/02/2011 13:36

No pressure then ?

What the hell does he expect you to do on this "make of break weekend" ? Suck his nob for 48 hours straight ?

I would refuse to go.

He either wants to work on your relationship, or he doesn't. If he doesn't, or tries to make you change into something more acceptable to him, he can fuck the fuck off.

I feel really for you.

AnyFucker · 14/02/2011 13:38

Don't think for one moment either that there is "nothing" in this new female friendship

Selfish blokes like this don't consider dumping their relationships unless there is a shiny new fanjo pair of arms to dive into.

Original poster

sparkleshine · 14/02/2011 13:48

Thanks ladies

It's all so raw at the moment and I'm finding it hard to digest.
He/we don't want to break up, really want it to work. We've just let ourselves go since DS and finding time alone is hard but I think that with pressure ttc No 2 and work work work it's got too much.

Ido believe the female friend is just that, will talk further tonight when he gets home.

It's not over yet. Just so upset right now.

Off to see a friend for a good cry. Will catch up later

Thanks

OP posts:

Niceguy2 · 14/02/2011 13:49

roflmao

I had the same thoughts as Anyfucker. I was just trying to be erm....more diplomatic.

Niceguy2 · 14/02/2011 13:52

Sparkle, sorry xposted with you.

Are you SURE he wants this to work and not just waiting for you to pull the trigger so he can play victim?

Assuming he genuinely wants to save the relationship then you both need to make some changes and put the fun back into the relationship. Make time for each other, get friends/family to babysit and go on date night. Bin the comfortable undies and get the lingerie on.

But just be sure he's genuinely interested and not just hedging his bets.

AnyFucker · 14/02/2011 14:01

OP, please be sure that he isn't doing a very common thing that people do when they are ambivalent about their relationship

setting you up to fail so that he can say "he tried his best, but it was just not meant to be"

if you didn't have a tiny worm of concern about the female friend, you wouldn't have posted that bit of info, IMO

I am really, really sorry ou are upset

I think you need to find more anger, though

SoftKittyWarmKitty · 14/02/2011 14:12

You poor woman, what an awful thing to be going through. I have to say that I don't believe this woman is just a 'friend' at all - sorry to be harsh but your H is either boning her or wants to. Otherwise, why would he be in contact with her, secretly? He's on the chase OP, so wise-up.

As for the weekend away, he's stated well in advance that it's going to be a make or break weekend - to me that's a warning that it will be break, otherwise why even mention it? Surely you'd phrase it 'Let's have a great weekend away to reconnect', not 'it's make or break'. He's making you feel pressure in the process by putting the ball in your court so that when if he decides not to continue in the relationship he can blame you: 'She didn't make the effort to save our relationship', 'She didn't do what I wanted on the weekend', 'I told her how I felt but things didn't improve' etc. He's already told you he doesn't feel the same, so imo he's just going through the motions of making it look like he's trying to make an effort to save the relationship, so that when it ends he comes out smelling of roses.

Echo the others in that I wouldn't go. I mean, what kind of birthday are you going to have if you know the weekend could signal the end of your relationship? I'd tell him to cancel the weekend and say you're both going to counselling/relate instead - that's what couples in crisis really do, not go on pointless weekends away.

MooMooFarm · 14/02/2011 14:15

sparkle how much do you know about his 'female friend'? Is he the type to have female friends anyway or is this a bit out of the ordinary? I can't help feeling suspicious about her, and the timing of her coming on the scene. And why has he had her as a friend without you knowing?

Sorry, I don't expect you to answer all these questions, I just can't help feeling suspicious for you.

Please start feeling angry with him - it will honestly give you strength. You are the mother of his children and the way he has dumped this revelation on you out of the blue is cruel. He owes you more than a 'make or break weekend'. How about a bit of consideration and loyalty for the last ten years of your life?

I'm sorry he's being such a shite, but you need to stop feeling like you must have done something wrong. Maybe you've done nothing wrong at all! Does he want to save the relationship? If so he needs to put the work in, not just you.

So sorry for you

Mumfun · 14/02/2011 14:23

He is being a complete shite. Putting the presure on and looking like he is having an emotional affair.

He should indeed have said it would be good to spend time with you and reconnect rather than saying make or break. He should be ending his relationship with this women and putting his energy back into your relationship.

In slightly a different situation I was too kind and not assertive enough. It is hard to believe but if you are firmer and more assertive they will have more respect for you and the relationship is more likely to survive. I know you may not feel like it but you should be kicking ass and taking control. If you are upset, and let him call the shots it isnt the best for you.
Get all the support off MN, be very assertive and dont let him blame you when he should be taking his more than 50% share.

AnyFucker · 14/02/2011 20:19

OP, how are you this evening ?

Have you been talking to him ?

Original poster

sparkleshine · 14/02/2011 22:03

Feeling much better this evening. Yes we have talked and it's been emotional but I'm relieved actually

The 'OW' is just a friend and I do believe him. She's a bit older and he doesn't find her attractive. Definately no spark either. He started talking to her from another dept at work and just got friendly, but like my best friend said today, he was flattered, things have been kind of stale for a while, especially sex wise, and the attention made him feel 'manly' IYKWIM.
But I guess I did/do have that little jealous nature and may always wonder...but I trust him and I think that counts.

Anyway, in-laws are having DS overnight (the 1st time) next weekend so we can go out. We are making an effort to make this work. 10 years is a long time and this is our first major problem so we've done well tbh.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 14/02/2011 22:39

OK, keep posting and tell us how it goes

did he accept that he is putting unfair pressure on you to feed his ego and make everything right again ie. pandering to his male ego ?

or did he admit he had his own part to play in the "staleness" of your relationship and, in fact, using another woman to "feel manly" is pretty pathetic ?

don't be headed off that she is older and less attractive, either

a selfish man (and woman) who needs his ego massaging is only one step away from an emotional affair and they are often with the most unlikely of people

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