How can I try to love DH again?

[mumma]

Hi everyone. This is my original nickname and I now post under another one but thought I would use this one for this topic IYSWIM. Basically I do not love or fancy my DH any more but I think I would like to and it would definitely be better for DS1 and DS2. I think a lot of it stems from his fling just after DS was born as I can not get out of my head the idea that he has got away with it and I still think about it a lot. Although I have to believe that he did not sleep with her (and I absolutely would not have stayed if he had as I know that personally I could not carry on in any relationship after unfaithfulness), I know that he did snog her and I have not been able to snog him since then. I just cannot do it. I am not angry about it anymore, that is out of my system now!, but it has changed the way I feel about him and he cannot understand that at all. Faithfulness has always been a big deal to me and really I guess I count what he did as being unfaithful as it went on for a few months and he told me hundreds of lies to hide what he was doing. I still find it hard to believe that it really happened as it all seemed so unreal.

I really need some advice as to what to do now. How do people carry on after affairs or flings? If it has happened to you how did you deal with it or does it always affect things? This happened four years ago BTW.

We do have other problems, for example, he does get annoyed saying that he is totally dispensable in our family (which is true) but then he will always leave me to get on with all the childcare and housework and we both work full time, but these seem fairly typical of many couples and I am dealing with those separately although I think how I feel about him makes me more sensitive about the other stuff IYSWIM. And BTW he absolutely will not consider counselling, I have asked dozens of times.

Any advice or constructive criticism welcome! I really would like to do something positive about this and stop seeing him as a total b***d as he is OK in lots of ways! TIA.

Are you sure he didn't sleep with her? Sorry to be blunt but my first reaction was a raised eyebrow and a Yeah, Right. Anyway, the point is that you haven't forgiven him at all by the sound of it and you sound as if you are still angry - 4 years is a long time not to kiss someone you're married to. I don't know what to suggest if he won't go to counselling - could you go on your own and work out how you feel and what it would take to improve your relationship? I think it might help since you need to forgive and move on if you're going to salvage your marriage I think. Sorry I can't think of any other constructive advice and I'm sorry your H did this to you. I'm sure others will have some good advice.

Oh hon', sorry to hear you're all in a muddle and stuff. How long ago did he do what he did?
At the end of the day you either let the thought of what happened eat away at you and destroy anything you might have, which if isn't strong in it's foundations anyway will be easy to do.
Or you have a good talk with yourself and decide that you really are going to deal with this and get over it and move on as you would rather be with him when it comes to it than be without him.

Personally I'd want to get on with it , forgive and FORGET - there are kids involved and is it really something you want to break the family up over? Has he done so much damage that you can't move on. If he has than I am so sorry for you and I wish you lots of luck. I just hope you can come to terms with the very stupid and selfish thing he did but can let it go and move on, for all your sakes.

Love to you - TC xx

Yeah I raised an eyebrow too, and I don't know about the details of this but I can guess that maybe you're not entirely convinced either.

There must be some reason for you not "wanting" or not being "ready" to forgive him, it's easy to forgive but not so easy to forget. You're not forgiving him and I wonder why?

I have never been in your situation so can't offer advice other than going to counselling on your own.

Personally I always find my DH very attractive after he's done chores/childcare. Could this be a way back? If he started doing some of this stuff it would show in a practical way that he cares about his family...of course he's got to want to do it and you've got to let him.

Only time for some quick questions mumma, so sorry this is a bit abrupt.

Are you sure he could not still be unfaithful at the moment and this is what stops you from moving on?

I don't mean sleeping with someone necessarily, but heavy flirting, that sort of thing? By this, I mean does he have a very separate social life to yours? Do you know his friends from work and elsewhere? does he tell you about all social occasions and do you feel invited to all of them? If you turned up by surprise at one, do you feel he would be happy to see you?

If you feel the unsure about the above, and feel you do not have full access to your dh's social life, then it would IMO be more difficult to forgive and forget.

Hi everyone. Thanks for your great advice.

I am fairly sure that he did not sleep with her as he said at the time that he wanted to get my attention and he well knew that I would not be able to stay with him if he had done that. The whole thing was a bit set up by him with someone he thought was safe i.e. she was young, had a fiancé, lived with her parents etc, but it went pear shaped when she got overly involved and would not leave him alone. Long story! I guess I will never know 100 percent whether or not he slept with her but think I have to accept what he says otherwise I will drive myself even more nuts obsessing over it. I do 99 per cent believe him though but then there is always that 1 per cent doubt there in the background picking away. Whether or not though as some of you say the point is that I am not over it and I really really do need to get over it and move on.

Although what he did was selfish, thoughtless and downright stupid and I can forgive his lack of judgement about what he did. I think the reason that I haven’t forgiven him for what he actually did is that he feels justified. He says he is sorry he hurt me but that I needed to know how unhappy he was. He does prefer to act things out rather than talk and I think this was an extension of that. I do think he feels that the can not admit how stupid he was as that somehow is backing down and he thinks he has to stand by what he did. I know why it happened and that it was because of problems we had that were down to both of us really. I am sure he would never do it again as he know what is at risk and would not want to be away from his family. He really does love me.

It is the forgetting that I find so hard and getting over the fact that I simply did not ever think he would do something like that. Faithfulness is such a big deal to me and was a quality he had that I really believed in. I do not know if I am explaining that very well but it was like finding out that the person I had thought he was did not really exist and that I had been conned, that this man that I thought was different was not at the end of the day. That is the bit I need to get over.

How do I start to love a man that is not the person I thought he was? It is the only big thing really as other stuff is just the sort of every day gripe that lots of us have from time to time. He is a good person in lots of ways and even I think he has long since paid the price for what he did, and then some! I know I will destroy what is left if we do not get this sorted out and I also know that it is me that has to do it. I think I read on another thread that someone was advised to treat their DH like the person they wanted him to be so maybe I should try that and see if it helps. Any thoughts on how to actually do that?

I am having Reike next month and am hoping that will help. It is really helping me to clear my mind just talking to you all about this, thank you so much.

Just wanted to wish you luck.

Mumma - I think it is awful that he did this to you to get your attention - presumably you had kids and so had them to attend to and what was wrong with just asking??

He is not justified at all and you have a right to be angry - work it al out of your system - something is still tehre eating you up and as for you doing all the childcare etc.. well don't tell him you are getting a cleaner in if he does not help and he can pay for it cause you are just too damn tired, get someone else to help with the child and tell him that you have had to do it all yourself without his help so he has made himself dispensable.

I am sorry but my x2b behaved like this (as well as being an alcoholic) and then blamed everything on me - my attidtude now is buck up bronco you are an adult and you can communicate with me not shag someone else or drink yourself into a stupor to forget or try and get a message across to me.

As for the not sleeping with her - I would not be too sure either - was she the sort of girl who would go that far after someone if it was just a snog???

I don't think you should be angry after four years. He got himself into a situation and he's paid the price for it; he's a human being and we're all weak, we all make mistakes. I say be kind to him and be kind to yourself and forget it,it's not worth hurting any of you any more. You sound like you love him - time to forgive and forget. Hope that doesn't sound too preachy, not meant to.

I really don't know how I'd feel in your position mumma, because when you wrote in your first post the fling 'went on for a few months and he told me hundreds of lies to hide what he was doing' that must hurt so much. It wasn't even as if it was a random fling over one evening.

I get the impression your dh still hasn't said sorry he was wrong - he's still trying to justify himself. If this is how it is, perhaps you need him to say sorry and really mean it before your can feel total forgiveness and get on with loving him 100% again. I mean, how can you forgive someone something if they won't ever admit that what they did was wrong? I don't get the impression he is suffering remorse, but perhaps I am wrong here. It sounds like you are suffering alone, so if you have to forgive as well, that's doubly hard. Whatever your dh says, whatever justifacation he brings up, he was unfaithful for a prolonged and premeditated time, and you weren't.

Do you feel that by moving on and forgiving him, you have to accept that you were partly to blame for his behaviour? After feeling so upset this must be impossible to accept, (I don't think I could accept it) unless he meets you half way.

How you get him to meet you half way, I really don't know. I do think the idea of treating him as the man you'd like him to be is a good one, though.

I think that whether he slept with her or not is irrelevant - the fact is that he was unfaithful to you by his actions/thoughts. I think most people do not think that their partner is going to be unfaithful and it does make you question the person you were with. If you were wrong about this, does that mean that all the other judgements you made about them were wrong? I think that in the end, this is something for you to resolve. Can you go on to trust him again? Can you believe that he still is the person you love and want to be with, despite what he has done? I think this is not something that he can convince you of - just like you were not 'convinced' to fall in love with him in the first place. Four years is a long time, from the way you are feeling you cannot be 'in the relationship' with him and that is not fair on either of you.
You sound like you know why he did what he did, but have you resolved it? Do you know that it is sorted out and will not happen again?
I think there are therefore 2 sides to this - one for yourself so that you can make a decision for yourself on the future of this relationship for you. The second, is on your future together to make it not happen again. How to do these does not have an easy answer I don't think. Maybe counselling would help for either you alone or the two of you.
I just really feel for you, it is such a difficult thing to go through. Not sure if this has helped at all, but just wanted to put on paper what my thoughts were. Hopefully this makes sense...

Firstly i wanted to say that i completely understand where you are coming from in terms of not fancying him, not even being able to kiss him. A betrayal like that may be did not destroy your love for him but it knocked it very badly and i think that can have a serious effect on your tactile/sexual response to him - these are all "tied in" emotions. Secondly, have you considered counselling/relate? Praps this would help you both go back to before the fling happened as well as analyse your reactions to it over the past few years and this might make it a bit easier to make a game plan - 3rd person that is objective i think always helps you to clarify your own feelings. sorry if that all sounds cliche like and obvious but hth xxxxx

(Apologies if this sounds preachy but you asked for advice and this is the way I see it.)

If you want the relationship to move on and to survive I think you have to put the past behind you. I suspect you may be right about your dh not sleeping with her - after all if she had a fiancee she could well have been quite hesitant herself initially. I also think you will have to ignore his "belief" that his actions were justified. Maybe they were 5% justified - perhaps he thinks that was enough justification - at the end of the day it's all words and doesn't actually mean anything. I'm sure he feels regret - perhaps you could ask him in those terms (if you haven't already) does he feel sorry for what he did. (bet he does - no snogging for four years ...). If you want to move on it looks like it's going to be you making the first move - after all it's you who shut him out (and rightly so). Forgive if you can't forget. And as far as the snogging goes - although it may seem an awful idea, make yourself do it even though you know you're not going to like it - it's obviously a big hurdle in your mind - just go for it not expecting anything, it may not do anything for you, but it will bring you closer, show your dh you still care about him, and hopefully bring some life back to your marriage.

I'd like to suggest that u need to get some time for just the 2 of you without the kids - a holiday - not just a weekend, to get to know one another again without the distraction of kids and the things that might turn both of you off. Have a few drinks, go to see/do something that makes you laugh. Don't pressure yourselves to have long and deep and meaningful conversations about the past - because that is what it is - the past. The fact that you have stayed together and u still have positive things to say about him says to me that you probably still love him.

It sounds like you need to train your thought patterns to go along a different path. It is kind of like people who think about death all the time. You have to recognise the tendency and the beginning of the train of thought and stop it in its tracks (some people use low doses of anti-depressants, just for a short period of time to get this effect). I used to have a destructive thought pattern when I was at uni that was triggered by my lack of money and family support, and it caused me to have severe migraines as well.

Generally women are so verbal and men are more action orientated. e.g., we often can't put something behind us until we hear the words I'm sorry or I was wrong, whereas men are more inclined to show you that they are sorry or know they were wrong, so I wouldn't get too hung up on the words, but look at the actions.

Best of luck!

mumma I really feel for you. If I was in your position I would be devastasted not just by the girl but the fact that my dh lied to me.
IMO you can do either of 2 things

1. carry on as you are and eventually IMO your marriage will run into the ground.It will probably turn out irrepairable.
2. take all this excellent advice from the other mumsnetters and start getting on with your life and rebuilding your marriage.

You sound very hurt and also angry. Get your anger out at him, shout, swear, scream just to get this off your chest with your dh.

4 years has been long enough. I am not saying forget or forgive but you have to put his dallience in the perspective that it is.I know it is hard but we cant live in the past. You have to move on from this.
Also tell him he needs to gain your TRUST back.
I sincerely hope everything goes well.LOL and hugs.

forgot to add the fact that whether he did anything or not with this girl
he is still with YOU.

Hi everyone. You have all been really helpful and I am going to use some of your suggestions. In fact this weekend I was super nice and tried harder than usual to be loving towards DH although not worked up to the snogging just yet, but am going to! I agree with the comments that I need to leave it in the past now, and get on with making this marriage work. I was interested in what you wrote AussieSim about retraining thought patterns because I do obsess about things. I read this on another post and a book was recommended so I might get that. I have got to think of a mantra for my reike so I will try a relationship related one I think.

What has really helped is knowing that other people (you guys) think it is worth working at. I have struggled with this as part of me thinks that means he has got away with it, but then maybe actually he has paid for it over and over by my response. I really really believe he would never do it again (he knows there will be no second chances on that) and he does keep saying he wants things to be good between us. He has always said that it was never about her, or about sex, just about getting some attention for himself and making me notice him. I also think part of the reason he finds it hard to apologise for is that it got out of hand and he did not know what to do. He does put in lots of effort and its me that rebuffs him. I find it hard to accept his help too as I think I set out to prove that I did not need him any more so I am going to try hard on that too.

You all have been really brilliant and are helping me put this into perspective. It is not worth losing a marriage over. Thanks.

good luck mumma and take care