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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I don't know if I'm being a paranoid twat

47 replies

FrameyMcFrame · 14/02/2011 09:25

Last night I accused DP of being infatuated with my sister's daughter who is 14.
I came downstairs after putting our DC to bed and found him pretending to punch the wall and generally shouting and being cross (this is very unlike him)
He'd read on facebook that my niece had been picked on in McDonalds and that was the reason he was punching and shouting in the kitchen.
When I asked him what the hell he was doing he said he was so angry that my niece had been picked on he wanted to go and punch the kids who had done it.
I thought, this was a very strange reaction, to be honest I couldn't believe it!
It's not just this incident that has led me to think this though. Every time there's a family party or get together he always sits next to her and talks to her more than anyone else. He doesn't make much of an effort with other members of my family! But when it comes to her he will sit and chat away.
She is a very attractive teenager and I can tell he thinks this too.
Anyway, after witnessing this very strange display of pretend violence in the kitchen I asked him if he thought he could be a bit infatuated with my niece. He denied it, perhaps I am being paranoid.
Very frosty valentines morning this morning. :(

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 14/02/2011 15:26

...and why he is displaying inappropriate behaviour towards a 14 yo girl, to the point where his wife has to look for support from a bunch of strangers

I hope you are still reading MrFramey

are you a weird and dodgy bloke ?

you are certainly acting like one

Tortington · 14/02/2011 15:27

weirdo

LadyintheRadiator · 14/02/2011 15:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

emmyloopsylou · 14/02/2011 15:52

So he's sorry that you think he has been perving on his niece, and won't ever talk to her again like she is some OW? How old are you both?

Should you not be more concerned that she is a child and a relative, she is yours and his by marriage a niece. You feel his attentions have been inappropriate. Most here would agree from what info you have said.

The whole thing is fucked up, she is not competition as he is painting her to be, she is a child relative. He should be able to speak to her without giving off "vibes".

Odd dosen't even come close, getting that worked up over her and generally women have good radars for things like this, but "put it out of their mind" sadly when family are involved.

Also punching a wall over anything, he has massive ishoooos.

So aslong as he is subtle and you have pulled him on it, that's ok until the next "niece" pops along. UGH.

I really must hide this thread now. Sorry.

AnyFucker · 14/02/2011 16:27

hope you are ok, MrsFramey

Mouseface · 14/02/2011 16:41

How did he know what your thread title would be?

Does he know your posting name and how to search?

Why would he look on here if there's nothing in it?

Mouseface · 14/02/2011 16:45

They're not married, this is OP's DP, not DH.

Techincally, they are not related.

AnyFucker · 14/02/2011 16:47

don't shed any better light on his behaviour though does it, mousey ?

Original poster

FrameyMcFrame · 14/02/2011 16:52

He didn't actually punch the wall, just pretended to.
Well I've talked to him about it, I don't know what else to do. He hasn't actually done anything inappropriate apart from paying her too much attention. (in my opinion, I might be paranoid about this sort of thing anyway as I had bad experiences with older men at that age).

and yes, he does have bullying issues of his own.

OP posts:

Mouseface · 14/02/2011 16:53

Christ no AF, not at all.

She is a 14 year old girl FFS. Pretty or not, older than she looks, or not.....

Not the point.

Original poster

FrameyMcFrame · 14/02/2011 16:53

Yes he knows my posting name

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 14/02/2011 16:54

I didn't think was the case, Mousey, was just stating a fact

Mouseface · 14/02/2011 16:56

I know AF

Framey - So I'm guessing he searched your name then and found this thread?

Original poster

FrameyMcFrame · 14/02/2011 17:04

Yes, he did it once before when I first came on MN about 2 years ago. I didn't think he'd do it again because he promised he wouldn't.

OP posts:

CinnabarRed · 14/02/2011 17:17

How do you pretend to punch a wall? Even that's weird.

I'm with everyone else on this.

You asked whether you might be paranoid bsaed on your own past experiences. If you really want to know then ask your sister if she's noticed anything. If it is paranoia then presumably your sister knows your history and will be sympatheruc. And if you're not being paranoid then, as others have said, your sister will have noticed and will probably be glad to have it out in the open.

Mouseface · 14/02/2011 17:20

He clearly broke that promise for a reason Framey

AgeingGrace · 14/02/2011 19:33

I was a bit flummoxed by pretending to punch the wall - had a go at it myself I assume you mean shadow boxing, kind of thing. Which is very weird, but perhaps less weird if the "bullying issues" you refer to relate to your DP having been bullied himself. Like millions of other ex-victims, I feel outraged by instances of bullying especially when the targets are young people. If I hadn't punched so many cushions in therapy, I might feel moved to shadow-box a wall over it.

Another thing I wanted to say earlier is that many people with unaddressed issues from their childhood feel a strong empathy with young people. Again, I was like this (also with teenagers) until I worked through my stuff.

So I'm reserving judgement. A lot depends on the backstory. But your feeling 'odd' about it IS a real warning sign. So is his need to look up what you'd posted here.

Mr McFrame, are you worried about your feelings towards your niece? Might you be struggling with some unfinished crap from your past, do you think?

HorseWhisperer · 14/02/2011 20:46

Uncanny. I was at the receiving end of inappropriate attention from a man married to my aunt. I was 13, I was extremely uncomfortable by this man's attentions but (thought at the time) I could do little as he had not done anything overtly wrong. Then he started - first when was showing me how to hold a golf club, he hunched over my back and was so close I felt his erection ... embarrassed and naively/stupid did not say anything felt guilty and dirty. After that he became more touchy feely, hand on knee and then rubbing it when no one was looking, hand on my bottom and rubbing.. - one day he arrived at my school and asked me to get into his car and he would take me clothes shopping. I said no, he persisted, still refused. I was quite shaken by this, I told my brother and he told my parents. He was never allowed near me again. Aunt hates me still even though I KNOW she noticed some of his inappropriate attentions. The original uncle pervy.

OP, I am not saying that your DP's intentions are like my Aunt's husband but if you feel uncomfortable with his behaviour that says a lot. Think about your niece and how it may be VERY uncomfortable for her. He has no right to put her (and you) in this position.

JustForThisOne · 14/02/2011 23:44

AgeingGrace Mon 14-Feb-11 19:33:56
I was a bit flummoxed by pretending to punch the wall - had a go at it myself

thanx f for that Grace I wasnt the only one trying to figure out how many cm from the wall would make good pretending

anyway, I'm always when I hear partner, exp, exp new girlfriend logging on an incidentally reading an op
naah... how on earth does it happen, I am not having it

Mouseface · 15/02/2011 16:51

So Framey - how are things today, now that he has seen your thread and broken his promise to you?

nikki1978 · 15/02/2011 16:56

Erm maybe he was just angry that his favourite niece has been picked on? Was he bullied himself? Maybe he had a really bad day and was letting his frustration out on this? It is a bit extreme to suggest a grown man fancies a 14 year old especially since all you have to go on is him getting on with her and talking to her lots at get togethers.

Missile · 15/02/2011 17:14

I have to say we had a family member by marriage who was like this over my own daughter when she was 13-15. It made me and my husband feel very uncomfortable (we noticed it separately), and I spoke to my daughter initially about it. She said she thought he was "a bit weird" but he hadn't done anything untoward - in fact it probably really all boiled down to his own insecurities and him being more in tune with kids than adults!

Fortunately the marriage broke up and we no longer see him, but I did mention it to other family members (closer to him than us) and nobody else had noticed it!

I do think its worth keeping an eye on though - its really not appropriate.

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