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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DH won't try to form a relationship with his daughter

15 replies

Teenybitsad · 13/02/2011 22:50

Long story short, D only found out about his DD 2 years ago. We have 2 DC of our own. The MOther of his secret DD had gone back abroad where she had a fiancee after a fling with my DH (before we met)

She had passed DHs daughter off as her fiancees and then decided to come clean about it when she and this man split...the man tried to gain visitation and this woman did not want him seeing her DD so she came clean.

She told the DD who was then 11 that her Dad was not her real Dad and the DD wanted to know who her real Dad was.

The woman tracked DH down and there were DNA tests. It is his child.

This was a huge shock and he was angry that this woman (who he went to school with) had duped him and kept his child from him all those years. He tried to form a relationship with his DD using Skype and the phone...he sent presents and letters etc. The Mother didn't really help with this...but we persevered and last year DH went to visit the child...we had to save up and he went alone as we could not afford for us all to go.

The tip went badly...he felt awkward and the DD was naturally shy...the Mother puts men down constantly in front of her DD and DH felt sad about it all.

He tried to carry on calling etc but the DD is hardly available...he has tailed off in his contact with them and I keep trying to eencourage him to call or write but he says it makes him feel terrible...I explain she is a child and can;t be expected to be open...but he must work at the relationship.

He says she does not like him and the MOther told him this!

What can I do?

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Original poster

Teenybitsad · 13/02/2011 23:00

Bump

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Original poster

Teenybitsad · 13/02/2011 23:04

I know it's long...but anyone?

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Original poster

Teenybitsad · 13/02/2011 23:34

Last go....

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tigana · 13/02/2011 23:39

can he get her email address? Maybe easier to keep in touch that way, less 'in your face'?
(wondering though if her mum would rather be able to 'monitor' the contact though - since she doesn't really know your DH and for all she knows he could upset her DD - coming at it from her pov?)

squeakytoy · 13/02/2011 23:42

She is bound to be hesitant with him. The poor kid spent all her life believing someone else was her dad, and had that snatched away very cruelly.

The child probably needs therapy to get over this as it will have been such a shock to her.

Your husband is a complete stranger and cannot expect to form a relationship with her any time soon.

Stay in touch, but dont push it... leave it up to the girl to do what she wants.

Dolcegusto · 13/02/2011 23:43

Don't have any experience in this but don't want you to go unanswered.

I'd encourage your dh to keep writing and emailing, maybe once a week or so just to keep in contact. just a chatty email saying wgat he's done that week and asking about her week.

It must be a huge shock for his dd and is not surprising she's backing off to an extent.

But I wouldn't advise breaking contact, I suspect at dome point she'll become very angry with her mother for lying and nay turn to your dh (and you) then.

You sound very calm over this whole situation, no doubt it must have been an awful shock for you too.

DioneTheDiabolist · 13/02/2011 23:50

My only advice is for him to keep in touch. Even if his messages don't get through. Even if he doesn't get a response. When he gets negative responses. Keep going and expect grief.

Being a parent involves sacrifice. Even when you didn't know you were one. Even when you cut out the other parent and have to deal with that. But when you find out you are a parent, it is your duty to do what is best for the child, and put that before what is good for you.

She is your DH's daughter. If what you say is true then he needs to be there for his daughter (her mum's a looney). If her mum is not a looney, then he must stay in touch because this girl is his daughter.

It's not easy, but being a parent isn't.

Tortington · 13/02/2011 23:51

e-mail, facebook twitter, text - all non immediate forms of contact.

i think e-mail or facebook -he could set up a specific account just for this purpose) would be a good idea as if she does come round she can read them all back

and if nothing else your dh can keep them of evidence that he really tried - if she comes -a- knocking when shes 22 and angry

Original poster

Teenybitsad · 14/02/2011 08:02

We have her on Skype messenger....she pops up when she's online...she's at that age when she chats to mates late at night...DH never even says "Hi"

I have told him he could just send a regular note or email....he won't do it.

I feel sad because when she is older she will remember he made no effort.

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MummieHunnie · 14/02/2011 19:06

He sounds like he is not really interested and quite childish and selfish, like he is the sort that is only really interested in those that live with him as that is all that matters to him to have an easy life, is he like that with his parents also? If that is his pattern I hope that one day you don't split he will be the same with your kids too.

The girl sounds like she has not had a bond from birth mother fault, although she sounds decent as she went and found the real father and got the dna etc and is at an age now where parents are not a big part of their life, and if your oh is quite lazy and does not want to do much running from your description, then he has no one to blame but hhimself or he could live in delusion and fantasy and blame others for his poor relationship with his child as so many do.

Original poster

Teenybitsad · 14/02/2011 20:24

He's not like this with anyone MummieHunnie...he has friends and relatives all over the world and is very good at keeping up with them.

Prior to his visit he was open and making a big effort.I think something ocurred there...I don't know what.

I worry about it...I don't think he would be unfaithful and also think if he WAS then he would tell me.

He's a very honest man...even told me once when he had a minor crush on someone years ago.

It's just not normal...he is so loving with our DDs and with his own parents...he calls his Mum and Dad regularly even though they live a long way away.

The Mother has had a bad history with drugs and men who abuse.

I worry aboubt his DD as her upbringing has been vry unsettled....

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MummieHunnie · 14/02/2011 20:28

Why do you mention unfaithfull?

Well if he is not like that with others in his family, why is he like it with his child?

I think you need to take a step back from this, all you know is your oh is behaving out of sorts with his behaviour towards his child and you don't like the information he has given you about the child's mother, you don't actually know many true hard facts.

itsatiggerday · 14/02/2011 20:37

How sad, I'm so sorry. I obviously don't know your DH but I just wonder whether you were both expecting too much and it's all been much more difficult than you'd anticipated. Given what it sounds like her mum is saying, I'm not surprised that the girl is reticent, in any case she's 11, which is sometimes reason enough for children to be reticent!

I'd echo above, as the parent, I think DH has to be prepared to stick in there when she's making it difficult. But forming a relationship might just be asking too much if it's not reciprocated now. I'd try to think more in terms of keeping a line of communication open. In the long view, if he has consistently maintained contact, given her ways of getting touch with him and made it clear that he is there for her if she needs or wants him, she may well want that relationship in the future. It will be hard and often seem thankless but if he gives up now, at best there'll be complete detachment forever, at worst he will one day be presented with all her resentment, anger and pain. She's not even a teenager yet, it would be extraordinary for her to take such a long view. He can and may be a refuge of last resort for her if things get really tough.

2rebecca · 14/02/2011 20:53

I think men can be more upset my rejection than women and take it more personally even when it's just kids.
My husband is this way with his daughter (who lives with his ex). If she won't talk on the phone or slights him he behaves like a small child himself in return rather than ignoring her nonsense and keeping emailing her chatty stuff and accepting teenage girls are often self centred and moody.
It sounds as though he hasn't even got a past relationship to work on here though. There is a limit to how much he can push things until she is ready to chat.
Don't let it ruin your relationship though by nagging him about her.

Original poster

Teenybitsad · 14/02/2011 21:12

Thank you all...I have spoken t him and told him how disturbing I have found his laziness...he is very sorry he's been so childish...he is emailing her tonight to ask her if he can Skype her tomorrow if she's in.

She goes out a lot!

He has I think as 2rebecca said been feeling hurt and rejected but is realising he has to be adult about it...I feel better now!

Tigger...I pointed out that one day she might need him...and if he has not shown constant interest in her then she won't feel she can go to him...her Mother is scarily unreliable...I also told DH that I can't help but think of our own DCs who are HALF of him...and think of his estranged DD in a similar way...she's also HALF of him...she is my chldrens half sister and I cant bear them not to have a chance to know her in the future...he realised then...

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