problems with my family

[candlebythewindow]

hi, pretty new on MN, just looking for a bit of advice/sympathy.

back story: i'm 25, have a 7yo son, split from his dad when he was 6 months, i have a partner who doesn't live with us (we were together from when DS was 9m-4&1/2, got back together last august)

went to uni for 4 years doing psych while working 2 jobs, realised i didn't want to do anything to do with psychology, worked in admin for the NHS part time for a year, last year did the PGDE and now work as a full time teacher.

OK! so. my problem is with my family. my mum is a teacher and my youngest sister is training to be one, my dad and other younger sister both work within the NHS. my mum and dad were married young and had me in their early 20s. my mum has always been of the opinion that when i got stressed about dealing with everything (i had LO when i was 17) i was "just whining" as she did it all when she was young too (she had me at 23, was married, lived in a bought house etc - just much more stable).

i feel like i've done really well for myself and my dad always goes out of his way to tell me how proud he is of me

however my mum and my sisters treat me like crap. everything i do is wrong, down to the way i dress and the places i go. i am NEVER a good enough mother/daughter/sister/teacher, constantly get everything i say picked apart, screamed at in front of my son, cannot relax in their house at all anymore.

they love my son though, and they help so much with childcare. my mum works part time and looks after him mon & tues before & after school. they're also pretty generous with taking him for a night at the weekend. they've said though "don't move to canada or anything to get a job... i mean well, YOU could go just don't take DS away from us". i don't know if they really have no fucking clue how much they hurt me or what, but every time i'm at their house i leave crying.

i know i'm by nature pretty sensitive but i just want a bit of support or a hug every now and then. my sisters get on really well with one another but both look at me like i'm a piece of dirt. it's got to the point where i doubt that i'm actually a good/nice person and maybe i am just completely crap.

i don't know what to do. my mum is v strong willed and there is no arguing with her. i try say to her "don't speak to me like that" but it causes a HUGE row, slamming doors, refusing to look after LO etc. what do i do? :(

sorry that was so long well done to anyone that gets through it!!!

Hey, look on the bright side.. your poor dad has to live with her still!!!

You sound like you are coping great and perhaps your mum is resentful that you have been so resilient and got on with your life.

hiya squeakytoy, yep i really don't know why he never says anything. he's had an ulcer and raised BP and stuff and i reckon it's cos living iwth my mum just causes so much constant stress - she is v unpredictable with her temper.

hopefully that's it! me getting back together with DP has been a major sticking point - he didn't treat me very well (understatement...!) when we split up and understandably my parents aren't happy that we're back together. he's a much better person now though - time apart seems to have helped which is always good :)

hiya needafootmassage - have tried to speak calmly. my dad is fine and will try to talk to my mum about it but my mum is incapable fo listening to anyone else's POV, just screams and shouts - and then my sisters scream at me for "causing all this" etc. i knwo there's no real answer, just want to know i'm not stupid/insane for being upset i think.

Hugs candle by the window

Hello Candle

Lots of families have scapegoats and it sounds like you are it in your family. Your poor thing, it sounds really awful. I am glad for you that your Dad is kind to you but it doesn't seem that he can help much.

I know it is said all the time here but I really think you could do with some counselling. It sounds like you are starting to believe these toxic people and that is so sad. You have done really well bringing up your son and getting a good career going.

The counselling would really help you sort things out and perhaps look at alternatives to your situation. BTW I read so often on here about people whose family treats them appaulingly but because they are used as childcare they think they have to put up with it. Counselling would really help explore this amongst the other issues like your self-esteem which is getting such a battering.

I hate to say it but if your DP used to treat you really badly then the counselling might also help you keep a close eye on how things are going in that area too.

Anyway, I don't post much here but I really felt for you when I read your post and wish you all the best with dealing with this horrible situation.

thanks lospollos :)

bluebell44 than you so much for your reply :) i've had counselling before when i was at uni - went through a phase of being very depressed, i was still living at home so had no way of "escaping" from my mum, hard time dealing with things in my head to do with LO and feeling completely inadequate and unworthy - and once more after i split from DP, which inevitably included talking about my mum. i don't know how much counselling really helped - i talked about all the thinsg which bothered me and it helped a bit, but didn't give me anything to draw a line under the problem iyswim?

anyway - i'm not in "that place" anymore, i used to be very, very down all the time and very teary. being apart from DP, moving out, doing the PGDE, dating, playing the piano again, discovering that i love clubbing, meeting lots of new very diverse people - all really helped and i am a much more confident person than i was before, although still get very down abuot myself sometimes - but nothing i can't cope with and nothing like used to..

i am really aware of everything going on with DP - too much really so sometimes i have to force myself not to guilt trip him about things - have had to really look at my own behaviour as well and am trying really hard not to be the person i was before because my life was just going so wrong.

so glad i have my job though - it's such a positive thing for me. i love teaching and it's the kind of job where you are completely and utterly focused on what's happening right now and in the next couple of hours - no headspace for anything else really, so i kind of leave everything at the door??? i love the job, although it's left me totally shattered!

thanks for your lovely kind reply :)

You're welcome Candle. Yes your life does sound a lot more positive. But with regard to the current problem Wwat do you think you are going to do?

i don't really know what i can do. i have had to be quite independent and a bit thick skinned about things by necessity, i am still the only one who ever actually dares to say anything to my mum about her behaviour - everyone else just bitches when she's not there - so i guess all i can do is continue to let her know it's not acceptable? just trying hard to concentrate on LO & myself and building a life for us - WE are a family unit, the two of us, and it's important that he can separate me from the rest of my family i think. i just don't ever want to turn into my mum !!!