How to stop the anger at having an ex cheat?

[Piscean73]

Does anyone have any tips to get over an ex boyfriend who you know was no good, but you can't help the thoughts coming back and haunting you?

My ex and I split up last year after a rocky few months. It was over for me, but he contacted me again not long after to say he was struggling with the feelings and felt like he was going to do something stupid. Me, being a mug and also having family experience of suicide, said I'd stay in contact to help him through. I was such a mug! Now I see he was appealing to my soft side to keep me where he wanted me, but he had already found a girlfriend (although I wasn't aware of this and he denied it over and over), and had been seeing her on and off for months before (when we were together and again shortly after we split) and he led me on for months until I got curious about his behaviour and checked the Facebook page of one of his girl 'friends' on a gut instinct.

I'm a successful single parent with two beautiful children and am intelligent, and realise he was no good for me, but still I am disabled by this anger and hurt at having been lied to for months!! He is unable to contact me now and that has given me some control back but I just want to stop thinking of all the times we shared and how it was all a lie. Every day my thoughts drift towards it no matter how busy or how many distractions there are. I'm still so angry about it and don't want to be. He's out of my life so want him out of my head now! Any tips would be greatly received :)

In Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass there's a chapter on how to stop intrusive thoughts, obsessing and flashbacks. Even though it will mostly just be time I guess, I'll fish it out and post back with what she suggests. Might be helpful.

Thanks robberbutton. It's only a month since I found out so hoping more time will help. Thanks for your help :)

Sorry, lost thread! Haven't forgotten, promise, will type up her suggestions tonight :)

Hi again, I appreciate your help. Reading some of the threads on here is giving me some perspective and recognising that this man very possibly had personality problems makes me feel less awful about myself, and having fallen for his subtle but devastating lies.

Look forward to SHirley Glass' hints when you have a chance. Thankyou so much :)

Ok, finally! (Sorry :) ). These points are from chapter 6 of Not Just Friends, by Shirley Glass. She talks about how one of the effects of going through something as traumatic as a betrayal is ?intrusion?, in the form of memories, dreams or flashbacks. You need to reconstruct and reconcile what you thought happened with what actually happened. Until you can do this, and construct a story that makes sense to you, you will be prone to obsessing.

These are the tips she gives to help try and control this:

1. Write down your thoughts. Keep a journal. Write letters to the people involved (they don?t need to be sent, or if they do, you can edit them until you?re happy). Write down questions (although if you?re not in contact with your ex you might not get answers).

1. Control your thoughts: limit your self to certain times of day when you can deliberately revisit what happened. Outside these times, change the channel ? imagine a remote control in your mind and switch your thoughts to something else. Practice thought-stopping ? think ?stop?, imagine a red stop sign, snap a rubber band on your wrist or pinch your hand.

1. Flashbacks: if you recognise a trigger, ?write over? it by creating a positive experience or memory. Try and avoid things that are triggers if you can, and if you do get overwhelmed by a flashback, ?ride the wave?, don?t get upset but just say to yourself ?this will pass.?

1. Take care of yourself. Keep active. Do things that make you laugh. Find a new project or hobby, or listen to music that makes you feel good. Take care of yourself physically ? sleep, eat and exercise ? and mentally: accept all the help and support you can, including medication and counselling if necessary.

There?s lots more. It?s a good book, would recommend (and need to take this advice too!).

Ahhh that's great - thankyou!! :). The 'reconstructing' tip sounds like it may work - definitely will try that out.

I will use these tips (feel that the worst is over but when the bad days hit, they can be difficult). Gladly there is no contact and not sure it would do any good if there was. He was emotionally immature and had lots of family issues. Not sure if it was this or other problems that stopped him from being able to empathise or apologise for his awful behaviour. Any apology was hollow and always came with a 'but ...'

I wrote him a letter months back, which I never intended on sending. It worked, until he made contact and managed to get under my skin again. Now the cheating and more lies have come to light and it's all over, it may pay to try writing one again.

This book sounds helpful so thankyou for the recommendation :)

Did you buy this book to help with something similar or have you had a different experience, robberbutton?

Hi Piscean (me too! :) ). Found out about my H's affair in Nov. Posted about it here www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1095162-What-are-the-signs-a-marriage-can-survive-an-affair?msgid=22504255#22504255 and the lovely people who replied recommended the book. We're trying to make it work at the moment, but it's hard, to say the least. Hope you feel better soon x

Wow! I've read the thread (meant to go to bed early but have read most of it). It sounds like there are hopeful signs for you, and really wish you all the luck and support in the coming months with coming to terms with your situation.

I've only been here for a few days and already have found support - from you directly and also indirectly from reading about other peoples experiences. It's helped with the 'obsessing' and given me some perspective in my personal situation. I will definitely look to buy SHirley Glass's book on yours (and now others!) recommendations.

Thankyou for offering your help and sharing your experience - it's helped more than you know :)

Thank you :) and thank God for the MN relationships section and all who sail on her! Lol. Good luck getting your head straight.