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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Counselling & DV

11 replies

elizadoestoomuch · 13/02/2011 18:23

Can someone pleae explain to me the benefits of a counsellor seeing a couple where Domestic Violence is present (both physical and emotional).
I have read on here that Relate won't see a couple together if there has been violence, is that true? If so, can someone please explain to me why.
The reason I am asking is because my friend is in a relationship with DV yet they he has found a (private) counsellor who is seeing them together.
Please someone talk me through the pros and cons of this.
Thanks

OP posts:
RoobyMurray · 13/02/2011 18:32

For a start, because if one partner is abusive to the other, then the person who has been abused is unlikely to be able to talk openly in the presence of the abuser. They may feel unable to say anything negative for fear of later consequences.

Relationship counselling is usually used to try and resolve issues and stay together, but this may not be appropriate in a relationship which has an abusive dynamic.

newnamethistime · 13/02/2011 18:35

In my own personal experience it was dreadful. I simply was not able to articulate what whas going on. H had the upper hand completely. He would list off all the things he found unacceptable about my behaviour. I was caught on the hop and just felt completely not understood. He made me out to be completely unreasonable, neurotic (as I had PND/depression), that I would never understand the effort he was putting in, that I was never satisfied etc.
Any situation which I tried to bring up where he had actually been violent was brushed aside as irrelevant becaus ehe had acted so out of stress and provocation on my part. Because I was in such a bad mental state, I accepted 50% responsibility for these occasions and instead felt guilty for my own reactions.
It's difficult to explain - basically it was a horribly unsupportive environment (and I was also 8 months pregnant at the time), h and I have spoken about it since (both in separate therapy and doing well now) and he admits that he knew what was going on at the time, but it suited his purposes iykwim.

moocowme · 13/02/2011 19:28

I had such a good counseller once that she recognised DV almost immediately in my then relationship. She very quickly moved it on to seperate sessions.

I then got lots of advice on how I could get away from him. much happier now without him Smile

Original poster
elizadoestoomuch · 13/02/2011 21:38

Thankyou for your responses. Even more worried for my friend now. Counsellor is is intending on seeing them together in the future even tho in the past police have been involved etc.
Is it because the counsellor is pirvate do you think?
Tried to to talk to my friend about this but it is falling on deaf ears. She thinks it is working because the physical violence has stopped yet the EA continues.
I don't know the best way to help her.

OP posts:
RoobyMurray · 13/02/2011 21:46

Is the counsellor aware of the DV?

I'm very surprised if they are as it would be feeding in to the power and control dynamics in an abusive relationship.

Have a look at the Freedom Programme. It's a bit like a course to help women understand what they've been/are going through. Kind of like teaching women what a healthy relationship looks like. Anyway, there is a book which you could get for yourself or pass on to her.

Original poster
elizadoestoomuch · 13/02/2011 21:50

roobymurray yes, according to my friend the counsellor is aware of the DV - have tried to discuss with her why the counsellor is willing to see them together but I don't get a logical response.
She knows about the Freedom Programme. Womens Aid and a solicitor told her about it when I visited them with her.

OP posts:
RoobyMurray · 13/02/2011 22:01

Well then, unfortunately, she won't leave until she's ready - if ever. All you can do is be there for her. Sad

Original poster
elizadoestoomuch · 13/02/2011 22:07

Sad Sad Sad
If I want to see her then I have to see him and I don't know if I can keep my rather large mouth shut.
I hate him for what he is doing to her. Yet because they are in counselling they think its ok.
sorry, rambling now.

OP posts:
RoobyMurray · 13/02/2011 22:22

how awful Sad

sorry I can't offer anything more helpful.

cestlavielife · 13/02/2011 23:12

if he found the counsellor he will be setting the agenda. it's very cunning.

maybe cousnellor is not experienced, maybe wife is unable to express herelf in the sessions. you cannot know only she can.

but no it isnt a good idea.

she needs to also see someone on her own independently

cestlavielife · 13/02/2011 23:23

see links
www.escapeabuse.com/?p=117

quotes lundy bancroft -
"I have yet to meet an abuser who has made any meaningful and lasting changes in his behavior toward female partners through therapy, regardless of how much ?insight? ? most of it false ? that he may have gained. The fact is that if an abuser finds a particularly skilled therapist and if the therapy is especially successful, when he is finished he will be A HAPPY, WELL-ADJUSTED ABUSER ? good news for him, perhaps, but not such good news for his partner. "

www.maypole.org.uk/domestic%20abuse%20and%20mediation.html

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