Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How much does your OH do in the house and with the kids?

26 replies

flippinpeedoff · 13/02/2011 16:28

I have name changed for this.
My oh is self employed and works at home( sadly).
When we started to have kids we decided I would give up teaching and be a SAHM and he would earn the money.
I have a feeling though that he is not pulling his weight re the kids and never has done really.
He says he does stuff with them but he doesn't, he just doesn't and I find it very tiring.
Those of you who are SAHM in particular can you tell me what your OH's do in the house and with the kids?

Perhaps I am expecting too much or perhaps he is, as I suspect, a slacker

Thanks Smile

OP posts:
yama · 13/02/2011 16:31

More than me.

Not SAHM but on mat leave. When I'm working it's 50/50 but as I'm b/feeding he does more than me housework wise at the moment.

robberbutton · 13/02/2011 16:32

What stuff does he say he does with them?

I'm a SAHM and I expect to do the majority of childcare and housework. But when my H gets home he helps me while there is still stuff to do then we sit down together, so both work the same 'hours' if that makes sense. At weekends it's about 50/50.

What would you like him to do?

alittlebitshy · 13/02/2011 16:35

am sahm - dh's job is based at home but his hours are odd/flexibleish/variable.

I do most of housework - dh wnould not notice if we lived in a pit.

Childcare is kind of 50/50. Yes i am around more as am sahm so do the school run and take ds to groups etc etc but dh does bathtime/stories/plays with kids/nappies/takes them out sat morn so i can lie in. V hands on - let me boss him aorund Blush.

alittlebitshy · 13/02/2011 16:36

oh but he does gardening/changes light bulbs/ attempts diy ( he is slightly better than me but neither of us is any good).
erm. what else?

shabby7 · 13/02/2011 17:05

I am not a SAHM, but am on maternity leave. My husband is pretty good. He is great with the DC's and will do stuff with them. He also does all the evening meals. He doesn't do loads of housework, but does do some. I generally do all the washings and general tidying and cleaning. He has been doing loads of DIY and decorating recently.

I am pretty happy with the split of what we do.

Original poster
flippinpeedoff · 13/02/2011 21:22

robberbottom he won't give an answer when I ask

I am the person who does everything with the children be it all school stuff, bathing, dressing, homework, taking them out etc. I just wish he would take some of them somewhere you know, swimming, to the park. I feel sad when I see other dads playing with their kids in the pool say.

Our relationship is solely as parents, not as partners. I find it so hard to accommodate all their individual needs.
He has never been on holiday with us, in 12 years. That honour is given to my long suffering mother.

He does all the blokey stuff round the house, deals with all internet stuff. He does things other men seem 'bad' at in as much as being responsible for the maintenance of the house is concerned.
I do all the cooking and cleaning, typical wife jobs I suppose.
It is very much a traditional split as far as responsibilities are concerned. I can put up with that, it's the not doing things with the kids that I am finding hard. If I try to talk about it he either says he does things or he says he won't be pressured by me.

I don't know perhaps most relationships are like this.Sad

OP posts:
Dropdeadfred · 13/02/2011 21:32

My husband adores his child and has always rushed home from work to be with her...all our weekends in the summer are spent having days out together at zoos, farms, play areas, seaside etc
In the winter he takes her swimming at the weekend whilst i have some free time and we go to the library/shopping/park/cinema/restaurant etc
when at home he plays board games with her, does play doh, jigswas, painting, papier mache stuff etc...anything she wants really. he baths he as often as i do, cooks for her as often as i do and generally enjoys looking after her as much as i do. I hope you can convince your OH that it will be his loss if he doesnt enjoy their childhood years

Original poster
flippinpeedoff · 13/02/2011 21:38

Sad dropdeadfred. Your dh sounds great. Dp has never played a single board game with any of the children, never done drawing, playdough, riding bikes, football, swimming, museums, cinema. I have done it all. I am exhausted.

OP posts:
Tinkerisdead · 13/02/2011 21:42

I work part time from home in evenings so I'm a sahm really. My dh idolises our dd but I def do more stuff with her and the house.

He'll do the bins, lawns and washing up. He'll sometimes make dd some dinner if I'm really tired, something simple like eggs on toast and baths her on occasion. He does do the bedtime stories and on any days off we all go out to a zoo or swimming etc. He rarely takes her out without me although I'm sure he would. However when at home he doesnt do a thing with her, he'll do things for her but not with her.

He sits watching tv or playing on iPhone whilst she whines. I'm the one doing painting, drawing etc etc. And I do all housework, he may load the washing machine so long as I sorted it first.

I'm sure I'm lucky enough but it certainly isn't an equal split here.

ceebeegeebies · 13/02/2011 21:42

DH works from home probably about 60% of the time - the other 40% he is away so I have to do everything then. I work 4 days a week.

DH does loads round the house and with the DC. He does all the tidying, cleaning, hoovering, washing up. He tends to do bathtime every night whilst I get other jobs done like washing etc.

I go to the gym 5 times a week (as does DH) so he looks after the DC then, he tends to go downstairs with them at weekend mornings so I can have a lie in...He does have his faults in that he needs to read the morning papers etc and won't interact until he has done that and can be lazy sometimes with all the DC's demands but he does play with them a lot of the time.

I am Shock that your DH has not been on holiday for 12 years - I actually don't understand that at all...that is not being a family is it??

Dropdeadfred · 13/02/2011 21:44

Flippinpeedoff...Sad
I'm sorry - I don't want to make you feel sad. Perhaps to help we need to know w abit more about your situation...How many children do you have and how old are they?
How was your husband when you had one child? Is he tired out after work?
how does he spend his weekend if not with the kids? and why has he not been on holiday with you???

ceebeegeebies · 13/02/2011 21:45

Forgot to mention that he also takes the DC to MIL's one afternoon at the weekend to give me some peace and quiet and the other day, we always spend as a family going out for the day, to the park, or just pottering round the house.

He also takes equal time off in school holidays to look after DS1 (in fact since DS1 started school in September, he has done the October half-term and the first week of Christmas - we were both off for the second week).

I am lucky Smile

Original poster
flippinpeedoff · 13/02/2011 21:46

NO, I don't understand it either.

OP posts:
AnnieLobeseder · 13/02/2011 21:47

When a was a SAHM, I did more, obviously, since that was my job. Although DH was adamant that my job was looking after the DDs, not anything else, so he was always happy to pitch in with tidying and cooking when he got home. We would always work together until everything was done, then sit down together.

Now we both work full time, we split things 50/50. He was more reluctant to help out with the bigger housework, like cleaning the kitchen or the bathrooms. But I wasn't happy for those toe my jobs. So I hired a cleaner. Now everyone is happy!

I would never tolerate a man sitting on his arse watching TV and demanding his tea while I ran around cooking and cleaning. Sadly, lots of women seem to accept that as standard and justify it with, 'oh, but he's a good dad and works hard'. Hmm

AnnieLobeseder · 13/02/2011 21:50

I will add though, that DH is very bad at taking the DDs out anywhere. He says he doesn't enjoy it. When I pointed out that I often don't either - it generally involves being bored to tears or in a panic that one will get lost/injured! He seemed genuinely amazed - he seemed to think I was enjoying all these outings immensely. Not that he's got any better at taking them out since our chat, but then he doesn't like going out anywhere ever, either by himself, with friends or with me. Sad But that's a whole different issue.

Original poster
flippinpeedoff · 13/02/2011 21:51

Oh dear, my situation I don't know where to start really
I have 6 children aged 12 to 3.
Dp is always tired.
Our relationship has been bad for years and when we can sell the house I have made it clear I want to be on my own with the children and he has agreed to this. I hope at least he will spend a more interesting time with them then.

I know my relationship is crap and that I have to leave. I just wondered how much other dads did with their children.

OP posts:
Changeisagoodthing · 13/02/2011 21:51

Almost everything. I am a slattern.

MerryMarigold · 13/02/2011 21:54

6 kids, blimey. No wonder your relationship is a mess! I have 3, and it's very hard work on our marriage.

In terms of what dh does. He does all the washing up. He gives kids breakfast, and dresses ds1 for school. In the evening, he sometimes does bathtime. At the weekends, he does tons.

How on earth have you managed to do everything with 6 kids? You're amazing.

MerryMarigold · 13/02/2011 21:56

Maybe he doesn't have ideas...I have spoken to dh about this at times. He always seems to take them to the park (1 min walk away). Now he has started teaching ds1 to ride his bike. But as far as ideas to do really interesting things go eg. museum, or pantomime etc., they have to come from and be organised by me.

Dropdeadfred · 13/02/2011 21:58

Flippinpeedoff - I'm really sorry to hear that things are so bad...
Do you think that if he concentrated on one or two children at once it would be easier for him to interact?
what reason does he give for not going on holidays?

Original poster
flippinpeedoff · 13/02/2011 22:01

If I give him ideas he says I am forcing him.

At the moment he is on the charm offensive so I feel shitty about slagging him off here. Always thinking perhaps he isn't so bad. Perhaps he is nasty at times because I am a shrew.

OP posts:
Dropdeadfred · 13/02/2011 22:03

Hey, life with 6 kids is never going to be easy!! But perhps he does feel that you cope so well and it doesnt come naturally to him..? how is he with the older children?
i'm presuming he cant hve been absolutely crap or you wouldnt have had more children with him after the first couple?

SuchProspects · 13/02/2011 22:04

Housework-wise I do all the laundry and unload the dishwasher in the morning and DH does all the vaccing and tidies the kitchen/loads the dishwasher in the evening. But we split the rest. Two meals each in the week and then takeout/go out/M&S oven ready thing on Friday. Obviously I do the lunch for the DCs and me. Sat and Sun it's whoever feels like it. We do the dusting/bathroom etc. together, normally just before guests arrive.Blush

With the girls, I obviously do more with them because I'm with them all day. But it's pretty 50/50 when he's home. We tend to do everything together, though he is more likely to look after them for an occasional whole day while I do something and I'm more likely to look after them for a couple of hours most weekends while he has a nap.

Our kids are still very young so I expect this to change. But he is very involved and would have loved to be a sahd if our financial clout had been more even. Your OH sounds like he doesn't really want to be a dad. :(

Original poster
flippinpeedoff · 13/02/2011 22:06

dropdead, he says he wants to be able to go. That's not true. He says it's because of work, he can't take time off and can get important rest and recuperation when we are away.
I used to get really upset when he said this. I would be working my socks off in some ghastly holiday park, in a crappy chalet with 6 kids and my mother and he would say how important this time was for him. I would say" what about me? What time do I get off?"
He says he can't sleep away from home. He has all sorts of insomnia issues. He and have never shared a bed. That we have 6 kids is a tribute to my bloody minded determination! Tbh though I wouldn't want him to come with us, when we are away we are free from his rigid thinking. We can scoff ice creams and stay up late etc etc

OP posts:
Dropdeadfred · 13/02/2011 22:09

Well, it does seem like you know your own mind on this and if you have decided, after a lot of reflection that you and the kids are better off withou him then fair play - it's obvioulsy not a decision you would male lightly.
Does he love his children?

Swipe left for the next trending thread