Stonewalling

[portaloo]

XP and I have a 2.6yr old DD. XP sees her every other weekend, picks her up with his g/f, who is overinvolved imo.

Anyhow, every time XP has DD, without fail, he finds something wrong, a cut on her head, a pain in her tummy, etc etc. He then threatens not to return DD because obviously I'm not caring for her properly.
It happens every time.

Now, obviously, if something serious were to happen to DD whilst she was with XP, I would want to know, but every time I try to respond to his messages of perceived problems with DD, or call him to discuss his concerns, (basically so I know how serious it is or not), he will either text back 'You are not being co operative' etc etc, telling me he 'wont be returning DD' and this is all because I wont give him the answer he is wanting, whatever that is.

If I call him to speak to him, he rants the same stuff down the phone, which I listen to, then he hangs up as soon as I attempt to respond. If I call back, his g/f answers, tells me he is busy and hangs up again. Same when I pick up DD, he drops her off, and as soon as I speak, he turns and walks away, his g/f usually ushers him away as soon as I try to speak.

Now I have tried to be as amicable as possible, have tried every which way I can think of to communicate with him, I have even tried to communicate with his g/f to resolve any problems or niggles regarding DD, but when they just walk away, Grrrrrr!!!!

DD can't make herself understood alot of the time, so how the hell do you communicate with someone when they refuse to let you speak, by either walking away, hanging up or turning their phone off.

My sol tells me to stick to the court order, which says communication must take place via text or mobile phone call. I have racked up huge bills calling XP only to hear him rant about how awful I am as a mother, issue his threats of not returning DD, then hang up as soon as I attempt to respond, calmly I might add.

I am rather annoyed at the moment, because this same scenario happened again yesterday. XP texts to say DD is crying in pain. When I try to call, he rants then hangs up, when I try to call again, XP's g/f answers and says XP is busy, then hangs up. I didnt hear any crying in the background.

How is it possible to communicate with someone when you have to, but they wont listen at all?? Or how to handle this?

keep a long of every attempt you make at communication and what it is said
sounds like these 2 are up to something

do you have a formal arrangement for access? if not, then I wwould go and see a solicitor.

Yes, we have a formal arrangement. It was all decided in court.

Is there any where you can go for advice on his behaviour? I would certainly log it becuase if it gets worse then you may have to go back to the solicitor with it.

portaloo do you have to be the one who phones? Essentially it sounds like he is controlling you - he sends a text, you phone back. Next time he texts why dont you text back 'phone me to discuss'. At least then he can rant on his own bill and not yours. Also you can put the phone down/leave it on speaker. I think it sounds like he is enjoying the power.

Portaloo have you posted about this before, its all very very familiar.
There is nothing you can do other than stick to the court order and log any abusive behaviour.

I think your XP and girlfriend are playing games with you. More worrying though is the fact that they are "creating" a background story to what they may be planning.

They are creating a story of abuse and neglect that they may be able to use against you at some point in the future.

You need to speak to your solicitor and have all of this logged.

Queen bathsheba, has it right, they are setting you up!

Either he is an abusive type who has her wrapped around his finger, or she wants your child!

I wonder if the stomach aches are that your child does not want to be with these people?!

Personally, to cu their game off, go and see your GP, get it logged that your dd has stomach aches every time she stays with ex and his g/f and you are worried if it is something they give her to eat, or anxiety in her, and put the blame back where it belongs, don't tell the ex you went to gp over it though!

TrappedinSuburbia Sun 13-Feb-11 14:44:23
said
There is nothing you can do other than stick to the court order and log any abusive behaviour.

Actually I think (not personal experience but read many similar threads on here) than - of course she should stick to court order for access / times - but if something changes after the court ruled, social services can be contacted and that they can nearly over rule Court Order as things can change / deteriorate after The Court had set grounds. Of course that will happen only if there is a potential danger but nevertheless something that may be useful to chat about with SS
Dear me, can I write in any more twisted way...sorry hope it is clear

Portaloo, I had a similiar experience with my ExP.

We bought a thing that plugs into the phone and we record all phone calls now. I also send any mail, registered delivery so that he can't claim he hasn't received anything. Can you try to use the landline instead of mobiles? I don't know whether it's possible to record mobile convos.

Keep a detailed diary of all communication and talk to your GP about it in the context of you want your dd checked out physically and some verification that you're caring for her properly. I used to take my ds to the baby clinic each and every week just so that they could see he was okay and I was looking after him appropriately. They used to point out that I didn't need to go every week, but I still insisted. Also, mention to your GP that you feel you're being 'set up' and you're feeling concerned about his behaviour towards you and just want to care for your dd and be a good mother.

You might need to return to court at some point and ask for a Cafcass Report (court welfare), but you'd need to ask your solicitor about that as it's usually the absent parent who asks for one of these.

Make your voice heard to the authorities and don't keep this quiet. If your ex and the gf have a gameplan you need to be one step ahead.

It might be worth sending these things you're trying to say, and he's ignoring, in a registered letter. Make a paper trail and keep as much evidence as you're able to.

I have my ExP pretty tied up now, but it was hard in the beginning and he'd try all kinds of tricks to make out I was a bad mother.